It's hard to even find words. How can you use such simple, uncomplicated things to express such elation? I am pregnant. Not only that, but I am 15.5 weeks along. To sweeten the deal there are 2 apple sized babies growing in utero. The miracle of life is a real thing and I still can't fathom that I'm able to experience it.
    We trudged through infertility for 3 years, a drop in the bucket for some people, but it was felt so fiercely throughout every single day. It has been the greatest challenge of my life. I've prayed for a baby to come into our family, knowing that he/she would be so, so, so loved. The incessant waiting and lack of answers made it unbearable at times. Last October, we decided to continue on with in vitro fertilization (IVF). In November we did an egg retrieval and I was swollen like a guinea pig from them gathering so many eggs. In January we decided to purse our first course of IVF and, thus, we met our deductible in the first week of the new year! It was successful and I fell pregnant, only to find out I miscarried unexpectedly. It took 6 weeks for everything from that pregnancy to naturally pass from me and I grieved more than I ever have before. I spent the next few months in a stupor. I carried around a positive pregnancy test in my purse to remind myself that it was real event, and not just something I imagined. Depression is real and I experienced it for myself; I still think of this baby almost daily. But life must go on. After enough time had passed we geared back up for another round, which we completed in May. I put my heart into it, I wanted to be a mother more than anything else. We found out that it didn't work. I felt so morose and begged for strength to continue on. I felt like I should time some time off but I couldn't rationalize it- I didn't want to put it off. We immediately began for another round in June, which was set to happen June 29th.
    July 3rd was only 4 days past my 5 days transfer- which means I was still 5 days away from when I was supposed to take a test that would accurately tell me the results. I woke up very early on accident and immediately began to google the likelihood of a getting a positive pregnancy test. Google confirmed that the chances would be extremely slim and that I should wait it out; I reluctantly decided to follow the instructions. That lasted about 30 seconds until my resolve took a nosedive, the itch was strong. I petered into the bathroom knowing that it was a bad mistake. I quickly took a test, covered it up, and continued with my morning routine. The limbo period is always a simultaneous desire to check it immediately and put it off until the last moment. Finally the time came, as I took the paper off the test my heart dropped. A very faint second line showed up on the test. I remember murmuring "I'm pregnant!" and feeling so happy, then I felt my heart drop and a lump swell in my throat. It felt so wrong to feel that way- it was not what I expected. I was elated. But then again I wasn't ready for the chance to lose another child. My emotions battled. Still, there was proof of a baby!
   I sat back down on my couch and googled incessantly. I tried to make myself more presentable, yanked out my camera and when it came time all the cutesy things I planned to use to surprise my husband flew out the window. Graham woke up for work and I could not hold it in. I extended the test to him when he began to pray aloud (not planned). The first thing he asked for us was that we could get pregnant soon and my heart soared. He opened his eyes and he saw that his words weren't just a request anymore. I think he was as dumbfounded as I was.
    I began to accept that it was real when my clinic confirmed it with bloodwork at 4 weeks pregnant. There was a teensy, tiny dot that was forming into a child, how insane! The next day I joined my family for a vacation, which made the secret both difficult and easy. They didn't really ask questions when I would leave them during the following week for bloodwork. They assumed it was routine, yet I knew it was to continue proving that my HCG levels were rising (the only way to know the pregnancy is progressing if you're that early on). My numbers steadily climbed and my heart lifted.
    After three times of proving my HCG was on the up and up, my bloodwork aspect was over. I was hoping to keep checking but my clinic pulled the plug, instead asked me to patiently wait for one more week to come in for a 6 week Ultrasound. It was a reasonable request. For anyone who has read my post about my miscarriage, you'll know that it was at that appointment when I found out I had a vanishing pregnancy. So suddenly, it wasn't all that reasonable to me. My anxiety was so, so high as I waited during that period. It was truly hell. I refused to follow the path that I experienced with the first baby, which included downloading a daily growth tracker, buying baby items or making too great of a mention of it. I downplayed it as much as possible because there was great fear in my heart. I hope this doesn't come off as my being unappreciative, but rather I felt so strongly that I had to protect myself, lest I experience something else devastating.
    The morning of my ultrasound was one of the scariest days of my life. I sat in my car with plenty of time before Graham was there and I watched my hands shake. I videoed a few quick thoughts I had and my voice quavered. It was so scary. Pregnancy after infertility is stressful, but pregnancy after loss is a whole new ballgame. You're worried about yourself and your child. You want to believe that it's okay but you're afraid to be too invested. You wonder if you made all the right choices along the way. It's the worst flurry of emotions.
    When I'm lost and can't bear it alone I have to seek peace. I prayed so fiercely that I wouldn't be let down. I prayed that a baby would be in there. I prayed that a heartbeat would be visible. I prayed that all of the heartache, all of the money, all of the wasted time would be worth it. I prayed that we could actually carry this baby home and make a family.
    Of course, by now it's obvious that it worked. But just a matter of 8 weeks ago, it wasn't this way. There was fear and excitement then, and at times there still are now! Even after exiting my first trimester I worry more than is probably necessary. After telling both of our immediate families, I didn't feel like I wanted to share it further. Of course the nervousness was a factor, but it was enough to have a few people know and send me their well wishes. They were thrilled for us and it raised my spirits. Thank you, family! Experiencing this with you has been sweeter than I imaged it would be. I'm so happy to know our babies are coming into a home with love.
    There is so much that people say about a mother's love that I know is true: I loved them even before I knew of them. I hoped and prayed for them when they were microscopic embryos in petri dishes. I pleaded with God to send them to me and it never will not astound me that he finally did so. They are truly the inspiration of my delight

    I also know that at times I battle with the guilt of getting to experience pregnancy and motherhood. I know so many other deserving women who I wish so desperately could do the same! As happy as we can be for someone else, it's always, always a slight blow to yourself. There will be absolutely no hard feelings if you can't speak to me about this, need to remove me from your newsfeed or have to take other measures- I've been there and I've done it all. Please, please know that I haven't forgotten you, that I know your plight and that I honestly pray for you.

    I started writing blog posts up weekly after my first Ultrasound. I'll share them on the blog when I can :)

5 Weeks + 6 Days Pregnant: There's Two!

    Today was the most incredible day of my life. Graham and I both watched a screen and we saw heartbeats. YES, plural! We watched on the screen as we saw two separate babies, our babies, in their own little yolk sacs. There was magic as we saw the flicker of beating hearts. Amazing, inspiring, breath-taking, there isn't enough words to describe those moments. We are having two! Two different and surely wonderful spirits. I don't even know how exactly to feel other than elated beyond belief. I can't believe it. I honestly can't believe that there are two little peas-sized babies inside of me. What a miracle of all miracles!
     Of course, leading up the appointment I was a maniac. Every other day I either told Graham a new symptom I was feeling or either that I knew it was going south. The buildup to the ultrasound was so difficult; horrendous flashbacks of the first pregnancy taunted me. The journey has felt so bleak and so devastating. Hearing that my own babies were thriving filled me with overwhelming love and gratitude and happiness. I'm only 6 weeks, so there is definitely a long way to go but we have already came this far. I've never been this far!
     There were just two of us for so long. It felt so hard to wait for our family to expand. It was the most frustrating, devastating event for us to constantly feel so stagnant. It's been just me and Graham, but we wanted more. And now our family is going to double. Two of us and two children. Is that hardly crazy? I'm in awe.
    I don't know what else to say. There are babies in my belly and they have left me filled with pride. They are working so hard right now to grow their eyes and spines and livers. To follow along their story is a wonder. I can't believe that they are actually growing into tiny people. One day they'll be tangible. Soon I'll be able to identify them with a gender and a personality. That is spectacular to imagine. My sweet, precious babies. I pray that they continue to develop and grow in all the right ways. I am so desperately in love with whoever is listening to my heart while growing their own.

Miscarriage after IVF #1

    Originally I had written a piece, in the midst of deep hurt and anger, on the day we found out. It's very raw and doesn't mince words. I'm grateful that I wrote it, despite it being hard to read at certain times, because it reflects me at that moment. But I don't want to share that, it's something just for me. And so I present to you: a less emotional, shortened (to a degree) spiel on the most taxing chapter of my life.
    Graham and I went in the office for our first IVF on January 30th- which means we had implanted 5 day old embryos into my uterus to be considered pregnant until proven otherwise. I didn't hold much stock that it would work, so I resisted testing for almost a week. One morning I decided ample time had passed, then I quickly took one, covered it up and kept about my daily routine. After a few minutes I remembered to check it. On a beautiful Sunday morning at 8am on February 5th, just 3 days after Graham's 30th birthday, I stood in shock over a POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST. Positive! The first sign of life for OUR BABY! FINALLY, A BABY!!!
    When I shared the news, Graham was stupefied (like myself) and we hugged for the longest time before staring at the test again. Euphoria ensued. It was real; my clinic called a few days later to confirm through my bloodwork. We were congratulated and asked to come in at 6 weeks for a ultrasound to check up. The happiest days of my life commenced- Graham and I were gifted the most wonderful, sought after thing imaginable. I'd put my hand over my lower abdomen knowing that I would give all of myself to the tiniest member of our family. I tried my very best to keep it as discreet as possible, our little poppy seed, bubbling with pride and love.
     February 22nd we walked into the clinic, camera in tow. I couldn't stop crying before they even started. After careful checking we were told there was no sign of life, that I'd likely miscarried before coming in. My heart, freshly mended, broke once again, but in an indescribable way. How I grieved in the unfairness, the misery and the downright terribleness of it all! My desire to keep trying, my faith in the process dwindled. I felt like I had reached a point where I couldn't return from. It was so hard. It IS so hard.
     I am so sorrowful for this lost child of mine. I am so sad to know that we will never know one another. I am so disappointed in the fact that my struggle is not over. Learning of possible chromosomal abnormalities, knowing that I can now get pregnant, being asked to get past this experience in lieu of a better one to come- these are made up of empty words. I wanted that baby.
    I am coming around to the idea that it will be okay. Not that I will miraculously get over it, but that I can live with this. There are still many relapses, which may be an eternal consequence, but I'm pushing through with as much clarity as possible. I am coming to understand that comfort comes in so many different forms and from so many different people. I am learning that I can use my experiences to wallow in the pity that I feel or to benefit others, in any capacity. After all, to have this baby I have went through unassisted help, Clomid, Letrozole, IUI and IVF. I have had successful and cancelled cycles, Ovarian Hyper Stimulation, egg retrievals and embryo transfers. I have taken birth control, pills for ovulation and uterine lining thickeners and to suppress my ovaries. I have taken injections full of stimulants in my rear, stomach, back and arm for weeks without end. I have went in for blood draws for days in a row and more than forty ultrasounds. I have went through important tests and several minor surgeries. I have taken many negative pregnancy tests and one positive test. I have experienced being pregnant and losing that pregnancy. We have literally done it all in the realm of infertility. There must be some good that can come of this. I have to believe there must be. I will make it so, as to the best of my ability.
    I, once again, need some down time and will not be updating on this part of my life for awhile. It's too demanding emotionally to share the ups and downs. I am so grateful for the love and compassion that has always been extended to us. It's that much easier to make it through, so thank you. Yet, there is no one who cheers me on and makes my days worth living like my Graham- my love for him knows no bounds. He will make the most wonderful Dad, partially because we have truly went through hell just to make him one.

    To my sweet baby: You were mine, and that made you some kind of special. I don't have the adequate words to express how much I miss your presence. You made me want to be better in every sense of the word. Thank you for inspiring joy in our lives. You confirmed the belief, that I had always feared wouldn't be possible, that I could actually become a Mother. You made everything worth it. Your father and I loved you yesterday, love you still, always have, always will.

3 weeks, 6 days pregnant

A Birthday Gift for Me

    25 years old; that number just shocks me. I guess once I hit 21 I thought time stood still and you never get to a point where you feel older? Part of my tagline for this specific blog is "all of my adventures through adulthood"- I still have to remind myself that I'm a grown woman (this would probs be the perfect time to say 'that don't need no man' if I didn't have a man that I'm glued to his hip ;) Seriously though, how am I a grown-up? Shouldn't someone still be responsible for me? It's weird for me to embrace age.
    And now to transition to the real point of why I'm here- a birthday gift for my Quarter of Century. It was really an easy decision.... I've went pretty underground this past year about many of our serious struggles, there is never a good time to share. Collectively, our family has had a VERY HARD past few months, and if I'm being honest, 2 years. I can't help but to be so proud of Graham and myself because of how we have responded and made it through. It's hard feeling like every time you share something it's harsh or overwhelming; I like to be funny and goofy and share about all the silliest parts of our lives, so it's been aggravating to have a perpetual dark cloud overhead. There are goals that we want to reach, and the one that's at the forefront right now is becoming parents. Whomp, whomp. We have went through an additional a year full of doctor's visits, medications, emotional turmoil, the greats ups followed by a smack of a downturn. At last we felt it was time to do the most expensive, most precise and most involved process the scientific community can offer.... we are going through with in vitro fertilization.
    It's terrifying! It's exciting! It's more emotions than I can count (as well as dollars- so if you ask us to do anything that involves a price tag the chances are that we will say no :) I know there are people that disagree with this type of process- but honestly I don't want to hear a single qualm against it. Additionally, I'm a junky who likes to share some, but we are choosing NOT to give more information about when everything will happen. I am not going to give a timeline or results, at this point in time. It was made after lots of thoughts on the matter, mostly because that adds far too much pressure on me for the process to be a success. I know it seems preemptive to share with everyon, but the doctor's have given us good statistics and I firmly believe that it can only go better with prayer. Graham and I will be doing all we can so that it will work out for us.
    I had the most vivid dream last night and I decided to share it. It was so delightful that I partially wish I wouldn't of had it. The whole premise relied on the fact that I fell pregnant through IVF and chose not to tell everyone (obviously unrealistic but entertaining, nonetheless). We eventually gave birth and I had a distinct moment of laying a baby in my unsuspecting Mama's arms, where she was floored, and hearing comments like "that's an Alexander, no doubt!" It was so hard to wake up to reality, where I feel so empty for not being able to have a baby. My mental state has eternally been affected through this challenge. But on the flip side, it also seems like a birthday gift, one that offered me the ability to see how happy I will be. I am so grateful to know that better times lie ahead!
    If you would like to give me a gift for my special day, I'd ask that you join us in prayer to be able to reach the goals of our hearts. It's so humbling to have to seek help many different individuals in this ultra-sacred time, this part of it can be hard because of the vulnerability we are left to expose. A huge part of me would rather wing it alone than express constant fear and needs. We just want it to work out. I know that it can and I need it to. We know that nothing completely entitles us to be able to create life, but we hope to do so anyways. Thanks for putting up with yet another heavy dosage of depressing talks on my body's inability to do natural functions- I really wish I had more to write about too ;)

    The good thing is as soon as I can figure out how to transfer mass amounts of Google Drive photos I'll finally get around to a wonderful family vacation we went on to the Smokies ;) Yay for axing off the stifling topics that seem to sway overhead. Any techies that know how to move many at once? 

Updatez on Baby Talk

    I originally said I would touch bases after my last appointment but, yet again, it was all over the place so I decided to wait until I had answers. Annoying, right? To sum it up where we left off: my little follicle was trying it's best to rally up to a decent size pre-ovulation, after a week of staying the same rate, it grew 3mm on Wednesday and I had to check back in on Friday.
    By Friday I had lost faith that I'd have a successful cycle, mostly because the timing is essential, and I went with low expectations. Well! My follicle grew by a whopping 1mm! It felt worthy of an eye roll at that point. The instructions were to wait it out until the following Monday and to be on high alert for ovulation cramps. Oye. It reminded me of those teenage years when you're just being strung along, little bits of hope that make you cling to whoever. As, I went for my sixth ultrasound in 15 days-  my follicles had shrunk down to 6mm. It went to the opposite ends of the scale from what we wanted.
    After my ultrasound, one of the nurses told me there was a possibility I had ovulated and the egg had released, so we better check by doing some lab work. See what I mean about the bits of hope?Then I had to wait all day Monday and didn't hear back until late this afternoon. Can I just say that waiting when you're trying to remain positive is the WORST? It sure is. The results came in: no ovulation and low estrogen levels. I'm not surprised, last week when everything began to unfold I was, but by today I don't even feel that sad.
    What was super neat was to get to discuss how infertility impacts me with my nurse. I've know her for a year but she just opened up at that appointment about her failed IVF attempts. We discussed comments people have said that left us livid and the heartache we share, that others don't understand sometimes. What was interesting to me was the fact that I could see that we were in different mentalities- I am (mostly) past the distraught, unjust phase. That took a long time but I like where I'm at. Sure, that will always come and go but I've accepted that this is my lot in life and that I want to use it to educate and encourage others to be more aware of how common it is and how it affects the people who endure it. Someone private messaged me about how to approach and speak on infertility with loved ones- I was thrilled. What a privilege!
    So, some affirmations. We will have a baby, it won't happen this month but it will eventually. I am still very blessed in so many regards, which I remind myself daily. There is a General Conference talk that I am delving into that relates so well to this topic, and I'm choosing to be happy.
    I am going to love my future children soooo indescribably much, I can already say that and there isn't any- is that weird? There is a huge place in my heart, I'm hoping the Lord thinks so too and will send some to us through whatever means is appropriate. I know we both have so much love to give! One day, oh yes, one day! In the meantime I'm about to scope out some dessert joints with my husband ;)

    I texted Graham after getting the lab results, and he knew I'd need a little pick me up so he sent me this funny gif from one of our favorite shows. I couldn't stop laughing! I'm so thankful for his humor throughout everything, he makes it easier. Single ladies: don't forget to marry up.

AUGUST and the Alexander's (no) Baby-Making News

   Hi. Here I am.Two seconds into typing that all I could think of was Jesus' "Here I am, send me!" (Isaiah 6:8) And you simply can't compare any tale to the one of the Lord, who took on the world's sins then sacrificed himself- you just can't. But I can say that I've had a bit of a rough couple of days and that I don't feel too upset about it, which is a blessing.
   I say going through the process of infertility is a roller coaster- please don't hate me for being repetitive. It's just been such a mess. And there is a good chance it's not easy to understand it, *sigh*. So, let me get you up to speed.
   We took 2 months off for traveling purposes, when we came back in July my Clinic suggested beginning with a low medicated natural cycle. I agreed that this seemed ideal, a nice way to dip back into it by using the basics. To simplify as much as possible the rundown is: I take birth control for 2 weeks, when it ends I begin a cycle, around Day 5 I take several Letrozole tablets which helps to stimulate my inactive follicles and then the monitoring begins about Cycle Day 12 on every other day until my follicle gets to the big enough size for me to get a shot to force ovulation.
  Just to clarify here: a follicle is an outer shell casing for an egg, it needs to be sized at 18-22mm to ideally be triggered, then I ovulate, it sticks to a thick uterine lining, then the follicle spouts off an egg at some point and, if the stars are aligned, it can become a fertilized embryo and begin the process of making a human child! Ok, still following me? That's the gist of the science behind it.
    Well, enough generalizations and back to the Mysterious Body of Lacey. My first ultrasound was last Monday, followed by that same Wednesday, I was scheduled for Friday but had to leave town for a funeral, then came back for one on Monday, trekked up there again on Wednesday and I have one for tomorrow on Friday :) Two of those appointments I had to stay later for blood draws. (And imagine if I wasn't on summer vacation still! It'd be impossible to work and be present for all the days they expect for me to be in.) Usually it's closer to 3 U/S in a natural or IUI cycle, but, and this is why I'm here to explain about my week!
   Despite 18 months of actively trying, we are still trying to learn HOW my body responds; it's a never ending story. Every month we have had some type of bizarre results that makes it hard to nail down what needs to happen correctly. This month did not go as planned. By my 2nd U/S, last Wednesday, my two dominant follicles were at an 11 (decent for that current date), I was asked to come in on the following Monday with my ovulation kick starter shot. I showed up on Monday, bright and early with my meds in tow, just to learn that one follicle shrunk and the other was stagnant- STILL at an 11mm. 5 days which should have been plenty for it get to the right size didn't invoke anything! Then they debated if I naturally ovulated, fluid was present when it shouldn't of been, which if so means we have to cancel the cycle, since my follicle wasn't big enough to produce an egg. I felt slightly crushed but I tried to shake it off, I feel disappointment in that office pretty frequently. What gets me is how composed I am until I make the phone call to Graham- seriously EVERY time I burst into tears in the clinic! I guess I just feel like I can truly act how I'm feeling and I know he will accept it at this point ;) Followed shortly by the walk of shame to the front office to make my next appointment with red eyes and a voice with a catch, woops.
    For some reason or other I was asked to come back on Wednesday for more monitoring, just in case. A blood draw told that I hadn't ovulated, which was good news. At the next U/S the little follicle that could grew to 14mm! So after 5 days of no growth, it suddently spawned an addition 3mm? Everyone is trying to understand it. So things are, potentially, back on track? It's just hard to say because it's just not an exact science. Raising my hopes is also a sure problem, since it's like a coin toss up at this point. I'm left here to wonder if this month is another bust or if I can hang on to hope that we could be 1 step closer to a real baby? Should we go forward with another IUI or skip to IVF, like some have suggested. It's been indescribably hard to know what to do for the future. Us not being able to have a baby has affected our decisions for moving (how will I find a new clinic? will I have to retest for different things? will we be starting from scratch?) and home-owning (should we buy a house if no kids are in sight? do we need a certain amount of bedrooms? how do we know if this is child-friendly without a child to test it with?) We have explored other options and paid close attention to them, but we just aren't quite there yet in our lives- I can't give up on the fact that I want to literally create a tiny human. Having a real family of our own is so important to us and we are trying to give it the amount of time it requires but to keep living our lives in the meantime- it's a very rough balance. Additionally, a huge strain on a marriage/relationships/friendships because of the emotional, physical and psychological effects. And who knows the answers? It certainly isn't us. I want to be hopeful but I find myself trying to be realistic with the possibilities of our situations.  I'll find out more news tomorrow, for sure. It's so incredibly hectic!

December Update

    This month's actual update was simple: we did nothing. We were told that we could do an IUI but it would spill into the holidays so the actual procedure wouldn't be performed until early January. Problematic, especially since we are going to be back to paying 100% percent and who wants looming hormones at Christmastime? Graham was taking 2 weeks off and if we went through with our appointments we would need to exclusively stay in town. It was a hard decision to make. I finally felt like it would be more enjoyable for us to wait but I felt so much inner turmoil; it's difficult for me to ask to delay whenever it's already taking forever. For a few more days I raked everything over, pros and cons. I took the plunge and called in to postponed our next cycle. I have no specific date in mind for when we will return- though I am feeling like I may not completely disclose when we do for reasons I don't care to mention. So please don't ask :)
    It's officially been a year of hormonal treatments. Let me just say that it has felt like much longer, but that's due to the 6 month waiting period to even get us to that step. Plus this year has creeped by because of all that has happened. There are times when I can give verbal updates to all my friends and then there are moments where I wish they wouldn't ask; highs and lows abound. 
    I wanted to give kind of a one year write-up to this, it has truly been a big part of our lives. Here's a snippet from my journal entry back at the beginning of the year: "I just feel down about the whole situation. It is so much easier for people to urge you on, tell you to relax and how it’ll be worth it when the end isn’t visibly in sight. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: infertility is the loneliest journey!"
    When our first month cycle failed it was so overwhelming. I knew not to be too hopeful, but the sheer wonder of it all had me all wrapped up; I followed my doctor's advice and went up to the office for monitoring, shots and pep talks. We did everything the right way. I found out on a Sunday morning with the accompaniment of ghastly cramps. It really was rotten luck as I had to leave for Church 15 minutes afterward, still caught up in my emotions of disappointment and self-pity. I was in tears the entire drive, I was alone as Graham had early meetings. I tried to compose myself and reign it all in. After all, it was the first time! Only 30% of couples are lucky enough for that. So I went on as normal as I could be- mentally chastising myself for being foolish enough to be so naive.
    My favorite people in the ward had either just given birth or were about to in a few weeks. Sometimes they would line up to hoist babies or grab bellies, they were all so pretty and happy, and I would snap a pic. I so badly wanted to join the group, to stand in on the group maternity shots, to give up my role as photographer to someone else so I could join in. Beyond one friend back home, no one knew that we were starting to live at Doctor's office because of all the different protocol. At some point during sacrament I was able to hold one of the new babies. I could not hold back the steady flow of tears as I looked into the tiny, sweet little face and left so empty myself. I'd known for years that my health issues would probably lead to a spout of infertility but I never knew it would feel like this. It was like I grieving a death, it just felt crushing. A confusing bulk of problems all thrown at me at once and I needed my own time to sort them out. I came back home and sobbed on my couch the rest of the evening.
    It's not like that for me anymore. And that's something I never wish to see again. Last time it didn't work out I was relatively composed, whenever I called Graham I did get a little choked up but after a few minutes I was fine. Instead I joke about my body's inability to do it's normal functions. I roll my eyes at Huggies commercials and due date calculators. I'll hold other people's kids and try to shut every single thought that tries to flood through. I try to do anything but let it all affect me.
    I've felt more bitter over this than anything else. Partly because of the horrible timing, partly because I've led a very easy life thus far (knock on wood). It's created a resentment in me towards other women who effortlessly get pregnant. I've despised getting on social media to read about pity parties regarding tough days with children and pregnancy or "I love my perfect life and it's all I've ever wanted" posts. As happy as I am for my newly pregnant friends who want to share it just so we can celebrate, it'snearly impossible for me to do so. I'm too bitter, even now. The icing on the cake is that we threw away five thousand dollars without anything to show for it.
    There is no nice way to put it- I have struggled immensely with this in 2015. I'm sad that it was as hard as it turned out to be. But it's only been a year and so many go through it for such longer periods. (If you're one of those women, know that you never leave my prayers and I am sending you good vibes of peace and strength.)
    You know, there were times where I went to the Lord in sincere anger. Those were times when I just asked Him why can people who don't want them or aren't yet ready for them or, worse yet, hurt them can be given them. Then so many decent people are steadily denied. I regret that. It is hard to even admit, because I want to seem completely and utterly unshakable. I think that just proves to myself how depressed I really was. But as I read recently in the Book of Mormon, "...faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." (Ether 12:6, emphasis added)
    This year has felt like hell, but dang, I came out alright after all. It's not the way I wanted it, but it has taught me a few lessons: It has helped me be more appreciative of the things that are going right. It's let me flex my knowledge to comprehend and educate. It has given me a chance to understand other women and men who endure this. It's allowed me to rely on other people when I can't do it for myself. It's made me realize how much harder I will work when I am a Mama. It has turned made me cling to my faith with optimism (once all the doubts wash away).
    I've fought to make myself be positive; it's still a daily issue for me in this regard. I have to trade my thoughts for good ones sometimes, to remember to be happy. And why do I do that? Because I know good stuff is coming. There's a baby or two out there just for me! Hopefully a lot more than that. And I'm trying my best to bring them into our family. Now whether we have them naturally, use an expert's help or adopt them is to be determined. But whatever it is I'll do it.
    But next year has to be better. I will see it happen, this is me right now willing it into existence. I can't wait to eliminate this aspect of my life in 2016. I am determined to "fix" it. Alright, I think that's about it for this tough bit. Signing off as my last year, fingers crossed, as a unpregnant woman!

    Oh yeah- substantial, immense, prodigious, titanic and sweeping thanks to Graham for being with me through it all. For skipping lunches to come to appointments, for letting me cry and understanding why that was, for reassuring me things will work out, for asking to rely on my faith, for taking me to new places when being at home just felt miserable, for praying for my peace instead of his own, for being the best friend I could ever have throughout any situation, but particularly this one. There was never a person I craved more when life just felt bleak. I can't wait to make you a father one day.

November Update: OHSS

     Every time I finish up a fertility post, I know there will inevitably be a few family members who just don't understand what I'm trying to convey. I get it, the lingo is unfamiliar to the mass population. Trying to wrap your mind around it all can be very confusing, trust me, it's the same for me half the time. If you ever leave scratching your head- I apologize! Please reach out with any questions: 1) I love being a know-it-all 2) I am very eager to help others learn more about infertility.
    November was harsh! I wrote it all up, it mainly consisted of being a swollen guinea pig all month. After leaving my clinic knowing that we would not be able to further our treatment for the month, I came home to wait it out.
    Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome- that's what the last two weeks have been. My doctor told me that I would be a possible candidate and I did have a minor case. When I began to have cramping and discomfort I decided to look up some more information on the subject, to figure out what was going on with my body, this is what I learned: The average ovary is between three to five inches. I had eleven mature follicles, which are the sacs that holds a woman's egg, on my left side that were half an inch wide. My right ovary had 9 mature follicles, but it didn't offer near the amount of discomfort. So my poor little left ovary was truly bursting at the seams! 
    I consider it low-key because I didn't wind up in the hospital, however it was extremely painful at times. Whenever I would turn to my left side, raise my knees up, sit down into a chair or have any light pressure on my pelvic area it would cause throb horrifically. After a few days of this I was worried if I was undermining how severe it actually was, and since I had no experience I wasn't sure what was normal. I wished I had a friend who had endured it to absolve my worries, yet, I never felt the need to call my doctor, so I can only assume it was a typical case. I was incredibly relieved when my pain began to subside, about 12 days after ovulating ;)
    The physical part is never as bad as the mental though. This month was not the worst by any means, yet it was aggravating to go through highs and lows in a short period of time. One of my problems is that I tend to over-romanticize things. I think of Saturday mornings where the two of us will sleep in and I'll just throw our child in between us for more snuggles. Or family pictures where everyone can see how it was worth it I go through my struggles. It's so much easier than to think of all the other difficult things (and days) that can come from giving birth to a small human.
    It is exceptionally interesting to me how different men and women view things. The way Graham thinks of a child seems to be very abstract. Despite who says the prayer, it's always mentioned by one of us, but it's easier for me to actually understand that it will entail I think. I wonder about the connection of a father and a child. I have had friends share experiences where fatherhood isn't always understood as well until the day of arrival; I'm curious if Graham will feel that way. Meanwhile, I think I will feel very connected, perhaps because of instinct or infertility, I don't know. I already feel very, very strongly that I will adore any little spirit that will come into our home. And I'm sick of this waiting already!
    But I guess I'll keep on regardless (aka no choice in the matter). I am undecided as to whether we'll pursue this month or if we will just enjoy the Holidays without the stress of it all. I haven't though too seriously on the matter, as the OHSS has kept me from having any sort of baby-thoughts. I'm waiting on a little guidance to see what we will do. I can say that I feel confident that the right thing will happen in the right time, now how will I know when that is? Impatient lady over here! Get on that, body! 

    I don't want to share another depressing sonogram, so here I am post- OHSS with my main squeeze. Seriously, I couldn't do this thing without him. Literally and figuratively. 

November Mid-Month Update

    When I'm feeling my most down/sad/emotional, I enjoy writing to keep my mind from dwelling on the issue fruitlessly. And I dwell a great deal, so it's good for me. I've let everyone know that we were having our first IUI this month. It's really been quite thrilling to anticipate a new change, but I've tried to counter that we (I) must prepare for the worst.
    They definitely didn't go super smoothly this month. Every morning I've felt like a pill popper as I take 3 Vitamin D's, 1 Aspirin, 1 Prenatal and 2 multivitamins. That isn't very serious, so I've tried not to think about it and kept up with my dosage. We did everything else normal, with a curbed diet tacked on.
    Last Friday was the first of my monitoring ultrasounds, 1 follicle (which holds the eventual egg) was dominate, though small (6 or 7 millimeters, when they need about 15-20) yet we were early so that was fine. That evening I began my evening ritual of mixing my follicle- stimulating medication and giving myself a shot in the stomach, this lasted for one week. Okay friends, please realize that I have serious anxiety towards needles. After I overcame my own self-doubt about administering education, I realized that I would have heavy cramping through the rest of the night, thanks to the medicine. But onward ho!
    This Monday I was back at the RE. I was very upset to hear that my follicles did not develop- at all. Each follicle was at the sme size they were on Friday, despite the medicine. At this stage in the game, they should be adding +2 millimeters per day. Additionally there was fluid around my uterus, indicating early-onset ovulation. All day I waited by the phone, miserable with worry that things had went awry. Finally at 5pm I received a call that our plan was still in motion, I had not ovulated luckily, though it would be very delayed.
    Tuesday rolled around and I felt disappointed, this was the day of my estimated IUI. I wished we could have stayed on schedule, when my phone's reminder beeped over and over but realized that things are hardly ever happen that way! My tiny little follicles needed lots of expanding before my body was ready. A friend dropped off beautiful flowers and a card- it was so needed and so welcomed. Thanks, Molly- I appreciate it so much!
    Another morning appointment came Wednesday. This time I received very different news- my body was producing follicles! Lots of them, even. There were several developing, with the dominate one being at 13mm. However, as she checked around there were 7 others growing quickly behind. This was not ideal. Generally, before ovulation 1 or 2 eggs will take the lead in size as the remainders trickle off. I was asked to cut my shot dosage in half to encourage them to slow down in growth. The best news was that we were running, relatively, on course.
   Today (Friday), I returned for my 4th ultrasound in 7 days! This time I wondered what my body would show. I relayed to the doctor how Thursday at lunch until I fell asleep there was intense cramping near the left ovary (which could mean a few things). My doctor pulled up the images of my follicles and W O W. There were multitudes of follicles: a few 18's, 15's, 14's, 13's- 11 mature follicles. A quick sweep showed 30 in total.
    Too many. Far, far too many. If we were to try natural conception or an IUI we might end up with an overwhelming pregnancy of multiples. If more than 3 were to take, it could result in terminations of one or more babies, but also prove to be an extremely big challenge to my body. A chance that I knew we couldn't take, even before my Doctor said so. As she shook her head and listed off options, I tried to swallow my tears and save face.

1) Do nothing and await for a natural period to begin afresh. Since my overwhelming number of follicles, we would need to wait for a longer process as they left my body. Then come back in a month to regroup.
2) Follicular Reduction. A quick surgery that allows for a suction to enter the uterus to retrieve all eggs, but one to two. Trash the remaining follicles, then continue with an IUI.
3) IVF Conversion. This would completely forget the original plan. We would go in for a egg retrieval, have all of them removed and added to a laboratory. They would be artificially fertilized then transferred back into me. There would be a great deal of added medicine and price tag.

    Oh, and I needed to decide in the next 4 hours. Argh! It was too fast! I had blood work drawn immediately to see if I had started ovulation naturally. If I did, we would only be left with option 1, otherwise we had a choice. My body is always a few days behind (look at my follicle growth for instance) so I doubted that would be an issue. So that was sent to the lab and I called Graham so we could reassess and conclude together.
    #1 was almost immediately cancelled out- what's the point of waiting when we switch from paying 20% to the full 100% in 6 weeks? It was crunch time and no one wants to deal with that. #2 was more feasible. We could still continue on, but at the back of my mind I kept thinking about all of my genetic material that I worked so hard to develop, just tossed in the trash. My coordinator said the success rates weren't that great, so I decided I didn't want to do that. #3 was the only one left. This option intimidated me, it was almost too overwhelming. Just last weekend I told Graham how I could picture us doing IVF more easily now, that at the beginning of this year, but I still wasn't prepared for all it entailed. As my doctor gave her professional opinion that this would be the best for me, I felt more and more at ease. I felt peace about this decision. I felt encouraged.
    We also began to discuss my ovaries. The rapid swelling was semi-normal because of the medication, but the cramping shouldn't be too extreme. I particularly have to weigh myself for the next few days to check for large amount of fluid. If that happens I would be a good candidate for the dreaded Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). I have to avoid exercise, lifting, jumping, all that good stuff until I'm positive that I don't have it. Please say a prayer that won't happen to me!I have a very low amount of stimulating right now- it still hurts! Let alone intense pain. :(
    So my doctor and I set up a tentative schedule for us to convert our IUI into IVF. I was given extra medication, retrieval/transfer dates, consent forms to sign and a promise that they would call with my blood work very soon. I wasn't out of the woods yet.
    I left feeling extremely optimistic! Our week has been incredibly tense, but we still had the possibility to turn it around. I called Graham again and we talked a great deal about the entire situation. IVF. A big, scary route but one that also invoked greater possibilities for us. How amazing is it to feel like things are turning around?

    Finally, my coordinator called me: I've started ovulating already.

    We can't do IUI. Or IVF. Or any more medicine. We can't fertilize my plethora of eggs, lest we end up with Lacey the Octomom. We just have to sit and wait for me to figure out if I'm going to wind up in the hospital with OHSS.
    I don't want to say I'm heartbroken. I don't want to feel like I'm complaining. But it does feel like a blow. I meant it when I said that I felt better about this- I already told Graham that if we didn't get pregnant I would be okay this month. But I also feel like every single step has been undermined this month. We blew through hundreds of dollars in medicine and monitoring. I've taken pills and shots and ultrasounds and endured/enduring physical pain and prayed until I'm blue in the face. I'm trying to fulfill a righteous desire! Shouldn't this be easier? And why me? Why me...
    Yet, regardless of the why, it is me. I'm very sad right now and I'm going to try to have fun this weekend to forget it all. Maybe it really is time for a break. It's been a year of pumping hormonal medications into me- a year of excessive tears and stress and anger. And a break from it all would feel heaven-sent, honestly.
    I am okay. I don't need sympathy. I'll be better soon. However, I DO think I am going on a Facebook break soon, just delete it for a little while. I get too emotional looking at pregnancy announcements, beautiful newborns or parents who complain about their kids. Even having people ask me about babies and this process would just be too much. I just want to focus on me and Graham and the life that we lead together. It's actually quite lovely. I'm still very, very blessed. I'm taking it one month at a time. And there will be a point where I come home to our house with our baby- I just know it.

October Update

    Yep. That's definitely me lately- ovary acting! I've been crying all over the place- on the tram outside of Disney World, watching the Food Network, hearing a familiar voice. It really did take me some time before I realized how fragile my hormones have been! My doctor has me on a upped version of hormonal birth control and my estrogen patches have been killing me. My body has taken a big toll with this past year's numerous, steady medications. So if you see tears falling down from my face, I'm fine, I've probably just read a really thoughtful tweet. Anyway.
     Recapping on October. I gotta say, I was very surprised that we didn't did pregnant this month. I know it's going to sound very superstitious, but the best things happen to me happen to me during this month! And I did mix that in with my high hopes, which is not a good combination, but I'm trying to quit. Of course, all of this is easier said than done. A friend who experienced infertility told me keep my mentality at 'preparing for the worst'. So if it doesn't work, it's easier to accept but if it does then what a great surprise.
    We had several changes in our normal procedure for the Sept-Oct cycle, which was exciting in itself! We were monitored more closely than ever before. Of course, it's obvious how that turned out (read more here.) And then after that post I briefly wrote up the biggest change, where I said that we will be having our first Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) in a few weeks. This is definitely the highlight of all the news I heard from the past month! 
    I can not emphasis how at peace I feel right this moment. For the first time since we've began this journey, I just feel like I'm going to breathe and continue to live my life.
     That last sentence sounds silly, huh? But I mean it. This past year has been a series of: should we renew this? should we buy these plane tickets for 6 months from now? should I buy this stroller? should we plan on moving for Graham's job or sticking around for my clinic? should I ride this roller coaster?
    While at times it was necessary to ponder/worry about some of these, it has been equally aggravating. Especially when I found out that it didn't matter what I did or didn't do because I wasn't expecting. And we have been withholding making so many decisions due to this. Ugh. I follow an Infertility Community on Instagram, which has been comforting when I've questioned why am I even doing this, and it has been so eye- opening. There are really two routes: (1) constantly stress over getting pregnant, sustaining a pregnancy, birth, a name, the right car seat, a crib, breastfeeding, the fourth trimester, and so forth or (2) accept it for what it is, but don't sacrifice my own life while waiting. Believe me when I say that it's not as easy as flipping a switch. It's almost exclusively a mental battle. But I finally feel ready to let it go (to the best of my abilities, my psychotic brain can't 100% give it up) and reallllly live my life.
    I want to have a baby, I do. I can't say that I haven't been discouraged from month to month, but I know it's a righteous desire. Yet, I can't completely give up every part of me and my little 2 person family in this long, drawn-out process. The best solution seems to be a give and take between me and baby-making. I'm going to throw in all my chips when it's showtime, but I also plan to take more breaks. Specifically I think we will take one after this month, I need some time for myself without this looming overhead.
     I mentioned holding off on some things, but we finally bit the bullet and purchased tickets to visit England in May. I know the logistics might not make sense to everyone, but I am trying to remember that I can't live on what-ifs. I can only let this Alexander duo keep doing the things that make us happiest :) So little baby A could come next year or the next or the next, but in the meantime? We'll see what we're up to.

DIETING

Jacksonville, FL :)

    I finally got my tentative schedule for our next cycle. If I said that I was excited about it, that would be a fierce understatement! I am seriously looking forward to it. I am eager for a new start. Originally my coordinator planned on doing the exact same protocol as before. The more I thought about that I just became so incredibly uneasy. I prayed about it constantly. Knowing that we have had 5 monitored natural cycles that haven't worked for whatever reason, I couldn't get that out of the back of my head. So I dug down into the sassy part of myself to push for a more evasive procedure. And I feel very grateful that they were understanding and agreed with me.

    Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd I will be having my first Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) in a few weeks. Yay!!! I've been been hoping for an IUI since we first came to my clinic. To gear up for this I am going to be using estrogen patches, having shots of Menopur & HCG and multiple ultrasounds to know if I am staying on track. Oh, plus my daily Aspirin and prenatal. And two blood draws. And, for now, birth control. And- just kidding- I'll stop being annoying. The point is, there are many things to be done.

    Since our other cycles weren't successful I've had a lot of time to really think about the why. Of course, some of it I truly believe is Heavenly Father's timing. But surely there's more- I can't just accept there isn't anything else to be done. What could I have done better? Where am I lacking at? Am I doing all that I can? And at the back of my mind I thought, duh, straighten up your diet.

     Anyone who is familiar with me knows that my eating habits are poor. The best way to describe it is: 1) very, very picky 2) craving sugar constantly 3) almost entirely against trying new foods 4) not a fan of many vegetables. It makes my life hard! But it's also very hard for me to overcome, I have a lot of anxiety around trying things out of my comfort zones. Combine that with the fact that I don't like having any food restrictions and you'll see why I realize that I must at least try to change it up. My most favorite foods are starchy, sweet and unhealthy. But I want to give this all I've got.

     Last night Graham and I decided that we would begin our "lifestyle changes" today. We spent a great deal of money shopping around for groceries. It's truly so much more expensive to purchase fresh fruits, vegetables and healthy conscientious goodies. But if it is one step closer to my baby and to a healthier Lacey I'll drop it like it's hot with a smile on my face. And we really did leave with a full trunk of delicious things.

    My personal gameplan is to try to eat more fresh produce, snack on healthier things and really focus on how I cook/eat meat. I know that I can't, and really don't want to, completely quit with sweets so I'm allotting one fun sized Snicker (or an equivalent) throughout my day. I want to drink half a gallon of water a day and cut down on my milk quantity. Graham and I are also writing everything down to post on our fridge, just some added accountability for each other. 

    I think this is achievable and will still let us eat things we enjoy. My main goal is to find a nice medium between wasting away as I nibble on carrot straws & gorging myself with pasta and chocolate. And I'll guarantee that there will be times when I slip up (like at my birthday weekend in 3 days) but I am determined to give it a go! I want to do all I can to be better, for a baby and myself. So yep, that's our newest adventure. I can't help thinking that our life never slows down!

2.5 in Marriage

    Me and this man hit 4 years of being together and 2.5 years of marriage in the past two weeks. I say it again and again but- time stops for no (wo)man. It's cruel and delightful all at once. I want to live in the past, present and future at the same time.
    I also got the opportunity to tell my life story (in 20 minutes, mind you) a few days ago as part of my calling in Young Women. As soon as I began discussing my sophomore year in college Graham was injected to the story, after all he's my most favorite part. As I told the story I began to find it terribly romantic to relive it all. I told how originally I did a hair flip and he kept trying to catch my eye. I talked about 18 months of driving back and forth every single weekend to see me. I mentioned the most darling proposal I could have imagined. I spoke of the most sacred and incredibly beautiful experience of our temple sealing. Of course, I didn't get to brush by the hard parts or the less desirable aspects... but  I told them that they were just more bearable.
    I couldn't help saying that this year has been the most stressful, scary, tough and challenging of my life. Death and infertility and depression and unforeseen circumstances all in a few months. But nothing was so bad that I haven't been able to rely on my testimony (though I've asked many, many questions and spent innumerable days in tears) and Graham for strength. I am not one who handles hard things with grace. I've snapped at people, been unforgiving and more aggravating than I like to admit.
    But I really admire my boy for allowing me to really deal with feelings that I didn't understand very well. For sticking up for me when needed. For putting me in my place when necessary. For trying very hard to understand me and my emotions more than ever before. It just reminds me that we're good together. When the going gets tough, the tough get going, amiright?
    I hope that I won't have another crazy year like this last one for a long time. Preferably never ;) And who knows- maybe next year will top this one with bizarre situations or unanswered questions. That's the beauty of the future, ever changing, unpredictable and filled with opportunity. I like to think that we can do anything, good or bad, as long as we're together.
    And for the record, yes I am a cheese ball and no I don't care.

September Update

    September. This month was the first time we had used an RE to monitor my cycle. I have felt so at ease, so peaceful; it's been a very nice change compared to all the worry that I feel from my previous cycles. My doctor had me in his office for 2 blood draws and 3 ultrasounds. I had to take a prenatal and a Vitamin D pill every day. One day I had to take 10 tabs of Letrozole at the same time (my pharmacy had to double check that the doctor prescribed it, since it's usually taken in much smaller increments) and then went straight to bed. Halfway through Graham even had to administer a shot into my hip. That was a huge deal, especially since the 2 of us don't have a lick of a medical experience and I have a phobia of needles. Shout out to my BFF Miranda who talked me through it! All of that, so carefully watched, for a babe so incredibly wanted.
    After one ultrasound, my Nurse Practitioner reached underneath the machine and pulled up a square black and white photograph. My small follicle was front and center in my uterus. "For your baby book," she said. I stuffed it in my purse, and when I got to my car I stared at it. The most beautiful little oval I ever did see. This was my baby, potentially anyway. As soon as I got home I put it on my refrigerator and would walk by just to stare at it. I couldn't help thinking of that tiny little dot growing into a full sized human someday.
     After the trigger shot, which make me ovulate, I began to feel sick. Upset stomach, cramping, general discomfort. Dr Google has been like a frenemy to me lately. It said any of this could be a surefire way to know that I was experiencing the fertilization of the egg. This kept on until 2 weeks post- ovulation. And time to take a test. It's weird to feel stuck in two parallels- wanting a positive so bad but having the negative ingrained in your brain. And as sure as anything, the test revealed that we weren't going to be parents just yet.
     I feel frustrated. I can't figure out where we went wrong. We did all the right steps, and every test gave good results (nice egg quality, correct follicle size, I ovulated) but no. And then I turn to the Lord and ask why my pleas weren't answered yet, but I never get a straight- forward answer.
     Month after month we end up doing these things. I can honestly say that it's the most stress I've ever encountered. I now know that I've had to endure another month of the usual "just quit thinking about it," "stop trying, then you will," or "it's the Lord's timing." Okay. Okay. Okay. There isn't a quick, easy fix it! I find it offensive that people even think that, there clearly isn't! It's partly why I trudge on and share every bit of a truly tough situation for me to talk on. My body requires me to jump through certain hoops. I can't just stop treatment and let it happen- my body simply isn't set up that way. My anxiety is, without question, through the roof. But I understand that it isn't easy to comprehend it, particularly from my perspective. Unless you've lived through it you just don't see it in the same way! And lately I've been feeling angry when someone offers a well intended, but insensitive, comment. It simply doesn't help lighten my burden, but adds to it. The best way I can put is this: when you yearn so bad, pray so fervently, follow all of the stupid, over-reaching steps and it's just for naught then someone has the audacity to say something without thinking? People, it's aggravating. I know you're trying to help but please don't try to belittle my feelings in the process (as you can tell my hormones are going stark crazy lately), just remember I'm only human.
    I'll jump off my soapbox for a moment. It isn't always so hard, there are many times where I feel like I can endured it with strength. I am mostly to blame for this time feeling worse than the others. I made the mistake of really allowing myself to hope this might actually be it. It wasn't just one thing, but a series of what I thought were 'hints' that it was the right time: My doctor said we easily could be successful this month, I felt a prompting that it would happen "quickly," I dreamed my doctor said I had perfect results from a blood draw test to check if we were expecting, as I walked in to buy a pregnancy test "I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You" was playing, I dreamed again that I saw double lines on a test. The stars seemed to be aligned- right?
    But, no. No, no, nooo. So it's a no-go for this month. It always takes a lot out of me after a failed cycle and I need time to grieve. I have to have at least one day to cry it out and find peace. To forget what could have been and what really is. I'll trash my follicle's photograph and try to piece myself back together. I'll have to keep on freaking waiting without knowing. (I hate when I use the word 'freaking' but I'm justifying it this one time.)
     I dread it. No one understands how reluctant I am to sit in the sad, infertile office with all the disappointed smiles from the nurses and pictures of newborns smiling down at me. But then again, it's my cross to bear and I'll have to keep lifting it a little longer. I will because there isn't any other option- quitting just ain't for me. If anything that would prolong the joy I seek. I know that Heavenly Father realizes how much I detest all of this, but how strongly I feel that we should have a baby- I guess He knew that I would be able to do this.
    This post feels negative, but I definitely feel uplifted from our most recent General Conference sessions. I know that what I'm going through will not last forever. And I feel peace around the fact that I will be a mother one day. Just not today. And that's still something I'm working on- as my beloved Prophet Thomas S Monson said, "Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. Cast out doubt. Cultivate faith."  And I'm trying! Heavenly Father knows I'm trying! But for now I'm going back to the RE to try to figure out what went wrong. Sometimes my dream of actually being able to carry a child of mine and Graham's seems like forever away.

G is for Me

Right before we parted ways from our first date.

    I know everyone loves their spouse and all, but I just think mine is some kind of special. I write about him a lot (yeah, I've heard it before) but here I am again with my fav topic- Grahammy! Our "how we met" has been an ongoing saga, one day going to be correctly cataloged onto this little blog. This is a tiny sliver of the story of that, but mostly my thoughts on the Mr. G. S. Alexander.

     For starters, reading the thoughts of a younger you is fascinating. I came across an old journal with preteen scribbles about wanting a tall, dark haired, handsome man who would be hard working, worthy of the Priesthood and that would love me. Talk about hitting the nail on the head. And to find him at 19 years old- fresh out of puberty and high school? It's almost too much to take in sometimes.

    His personality instantly drew me in me. I truly did know he was different from all the rest whenever we got into our first phone conversation. Remember- the one that lasted FOUR HOURS. People! I had just met him, briefly, 3 days prior. Surprisingly enough, we didn't have any of the awkward small talk, we both loved to talk to the other. Growing up in two jarringly different realms we had much to learn. The more we spoke I gathered that he was witty, spiritual, determined and full of life. He captivated me, hook line and sinker.

    The day we planned to meet up for a first (double) date, my cousin and I arrived at the Mall two hours before him. My nerves were shot! I could hardly stand it. If he didn't get there soon I was going to lose it. Then I got a call that he was at the Mall, walking around Old Navy with his friend. All my excitement was now rivaling nausea. Whenever we got in the store it took us a minute to find them, and I remember seeing their backs to us. I knew that I had to get their attention but I was so stressed out that this date wouldn't go as perfectly as what I hoped. I thought he was remarkable and I wanted him to think the same about me. I remember taking a few seconds to gain my confidence before walking up behind him and calling his name. When he turned around with his wild hair and bright eyes, you'd of thought I was on a date with a movie star.

    In person I began to see other traits in him: compassion, faithfulness, confidence. There wasn't even the slightest strain of aloofness, we just had chemistry. And I ate it up. Being my own greatest downfall, I almost felt like I couldn't measure up to him. After all, I admired him for being so well rounded. He could spout off information about a famous piece of artwork he studied years before, toss our scriptural references and throw in bits about The Walking Dead- who was this guy? He made me feel like I had much to learn.

    At the movie theater, he felt like the moment for our first kiss had arrived. He leaned across, but I was not expecting it, so that kiss was very subpar and anticlimatic. G, never one to back way from a challenge said, "Wait, I can do better than that! I'll knock your socks off." A giggle and an eye roll. But that's him, for ya, always striving to be the best. 

    But as we dated further he would compliment me on things that I had worked hard on. He told me how much he loved how strong my testimony was, he would built up my 'hobbies' as true skill. I remember him telling me that he knew that when we ended up together I would always be the one to make sure we would have our priorities in the right place. It made me feel more sure that, frankly, this was heading to the alter.

    All of this to say, I find so much strength in our marriage. We are alike, we are different. Our relationship has been real, none of this "we're blissful 24/7" (except maybe the glossed over newly wed stage-ha). But hands down- I feel happier than I ever expected.

     Last night, I became extremely emotional thinking of our last 4 years! It has passed so fast. As much as I know about it, I will never get a realistic grasp on how quickly time goes. These times have felt fun and hard and powerful. Between moments of sitting on the couch watching Mad Men, booking plane tickets to some destination, driving up to Georgia for the millionth time, holding hands as we wait for the doctor to give us news, sleeping in crummy motels, taking walks where we don't have one moment of silence, finding love notes around the house- it just feels like growing up with my best friend in all the world! All I can ask for is to continue to be with him. And I think that I need to gain perspective about not having children currently- I still get to have one-on-one time with my boy. We get to travel without the added stress. We are able to relate, in different ways, to other childless couples. We are still happy. We will continue to be that way too. 

    Graham, I love you. I've been plumb proud to be your girl since day 1. You are the coolest person in all the galaxy. I love getting to spend every single day with you!

XOXO, Lacey

PS- You still knock my socks off ;)

This was how I felt about him 1 month after meeting him! October 2011

August Update

    I have been working hard to be less stressed and count my blessing this month. It has been difficult! I have truly struggled to face my demons. Seriously, this break was much more draining than what I imagined, primarily because of my inability to be patient! These 9 weeks have dragged by, yet also sprinted?

    Well, this morning Graham + I went in for a baseline ultrasound. I have had my fair share of negative appointments so I went in with many worries. Alas, I truly received fantastic news all day! My U/S was done by my favorite person in the entire building, a spunky, vivacious GYNO. This chick busted up in there swearing and giggling- she soothed me so much with her positive energy. My egg supply was great, my uterine lining was fantasic and she gave us the go-ahead for this month! I can't even voice how wonderful that moment was to me. This September! She also made the comment "This may work the first time." Which, in truth, horrified me a little just because I don't want to get my hopes too high. (Sigh, it sucks that I feel the need to be a pessimist.) Yet, I would love for that to be true. 

    Then Graham and I had to sign a waiver about forgoing genetic testing. I also don't plan to test while pregnant- it's not going to affect my decision to keep a baby. While there I asked about Graham's second set of numbers, which should have been given 6 weeks ago, and.... They were ALL normal! Everything! No problems at all! Another worry struck off my list.

    It was so incredibly peaceful. Graham and I were able to go in together and that alone helped me so much. I love that we have a relationship where we can feed off of one another's strength in times of need. I truly hope things continue to look up, I have been filled with confidence. So here we are- a few weeks away from getting the party started! Hurrah!