October Update

    Yep. That's definitely me lately- ovary acting! I've been crying all over the place- on the tram outside of Disney World, watching the Food Network, hearing a familiar voice. It really did take me some time before I realized how fragile my hormones have been! My doctor has me on a upped version of hormonal birth control and my estrogen patches have been killing me. My body has taken a big toll with this past year's numerous, steady medications. So if you see tears falling down from my face, I'm fine, I've probably just read a really thoughtful tweet. Anyway.
     Recapping on October. I gotta say, I was very surprised that we didn't did pregnant this month. I know it's going to sound very superstitious, but the best things happen to me happen to me during this month! And I did mix that in with my high hopes, which is not a good combination, but I'm trying to quit. Of course, all of this is easier said than done. A friend who experienced infertility told me keep my mentality at 'preparing for the worst'. So if it doesn't work, it's easier to accept but if it does then what a great surprise.
    We had several changes in our normal procedure for the Sept-Oct cycle, which was exciting in itself! We were monitored more closely than ever before. Of course, it's obvious how that turned out (read more here.) And then after that post I briefly wrote up the biggest change, where I said that we will be having our first Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) in a few weeks. This is definitely the highlight of all the news I heard from the past month! 
    I can not emphasis how at peace I feel right this moment. For the first time since we've began this journey, I just feel like I'm going to breathe and continue to live my life.
     That last sentence sounds silly, huh? But I mean it. This past year has been a series of: should we renew this? should we buy these plane tickets for 6 months from now? should I buy this stroller? should we plan on moving for Graham's job or sticking around for my clinic? should I ride this roller coaster?
    While at times it was necessary to ponder/worry about some of these, it has been equally aggravating. Especially when I found out that it didn't matter what I did or didn't do because I wasn't expecting. And we have been withholding making so many decisions due to this. Ugh. I follow an Infertility Community on Instagram, which has been comforting when I've questioned why am I even doing this, and it has been so eye- opening. There are really two routes: (1) constantly stress over getting pregnant, sustaining a pregnancy, birth, a name, the right car seat, a crib, breastfeeding, the fourth trimester, and so forth or (2) accept it for what it is, but don't sacrifice my own life while waiting. Believe me when I say that it's not as easy as flipping a switch. It's almost exclusively a mental battle. But I finally feel ready to let it go (to the best of my abilities, my psychotic brain can't 100% give it up) and reallllly live my life.
    I want to have a baby, I do. I can't say that I haven't been discouraged from month to month, but I know it's a righteous desire. Yet, I can't completely give up every part of me and my little 2 person family in this long, drawn-out process. The best solution seems to be a give and take between me and baby-making. I'm going to throw in all my chips when it's showtime, but I also plan to take more breaks. Specifically I think we will take one after this month, I need some time for myself without this looming overhead.
     I mentioned holding off on some things, but we finally bit the bullet and purchased tickets to visit England in May. I know the logistics might not make sense to everyone, but I am trying to remember that I can't live on what-ifs. I can only let this Alexander duo keep doing the things that make us happiest :) So little baby A could come next year or the next or the next, but in the meantime? We'll see what we're up to.