When I'm feeling my most down/sad/emotional, I enjoy writing to keep my mind from dwelling on the issue fruitlessly. And I dwell a great deal, so it's good for me. I've let everyone know that we were having our first IUI this month. It's really been quite thrilling to anticipate a new change, but I've tried to counter that we (I) must prepare for the worst.
They definitely didn't go super smoothly this month. Every morning I've felt like a pill popper as I take 3 Vitamin D's, 1 Aspirin, 1 Prenatal and 2 multivitamins. That isn't very serious, so I've tried not to think about it and kept up with my dosage. We did everything else normal, with a curbed diet tacked on.
Last Friday was the first of my monitoring ultrasounds, 1 follicle (which holds the eventual egg) was dominate, though small (6 or 7 millimeters, when they need about 15-20) yet we were early so that was fine. That evening I began my evening ritual of mixing my follicle- stimulating medication and giving myself a shot in the stomach, this lasted for one week. Okay friends, please realize that I have serious anxiety towards needles. After I overcame my own self-doubt about administering education, I realized that I would have heavy cramping through the rest of the night, thanks to the medicine. But onward ho!
This Monday I was back at the RE. I was very upset to hear that my follicles did not develop- at all. Each follicle was at the sme size they were on Friday, despite the medicine. At this stage in the game, they should be adding +2 millimeters per day. Additionally there was fluid around my uterus, indicating early-onset ovulation. All day I waited by the phone, miserable with worry that things had went awry. Finally at 5pm I received a call that our plan was still in motion, I had not ovulated luckily, though it would be very delayed.
Tuesday rolled around and I felt disappointed, this was the day of my estimated IUI. I wished we could have stayed on schedule, when my phone's reminder beeped over and over but realized that things are hardly ever happen that way! My tiny little follicles needed lots of expanding before my body was ready. A friend dropped off beautiful flowers and a card- it was so needed and so welcomed. Thanks, Molly- I appreciate it so much!
Another morning appointment came Wednesday. This time I received very different news- my body was producing follicles! Lots of them, even. There were several developing, with the dominate one being at 13mm. However, as she checked around there were 7 others growing quickly behind. This was not ideal. Generally, before ovulation 1 or 2 eggs will take the lead in size as the remainders trickle off. I was asked to cut my shot dosage in half to encourage them to slow down in growth. The best news was that we were running, relatively, on course.
Today (Friday), I returned for my 4th ultrasound in 7 days! This time I wondered what my body would show. I relayed to the doctor how Thursday at lunch until I fell asleep there was intense cramping near the left ovary (which could mean a few things). My doctor pulled up the images of my follicles and W O W. There were multitudes of follicles: a few 18's, 15's, 14's, 13's- 11 mature follicles. A quick sweep showed 30 in total.
Too many. Far, far too many. If we were to try natural conception or an IUI we might end up with an overwhelming pregnancy of multiples. If more than 3 were to take, it could result in terminations of one or more babies, but also prove to be an extremely big challenge to my body. A chance that I knew we couldn't take, even before my Doctor said so. As she shook her head and listed off options, I tried to swallow my tears and save face.
1) Do nothing and await for a natural period to begin afresh. Since my overwhelming number of follicles, we would need to wait for a longer process as they left my body. Then come back in a month to regroup.
2) Follicular Reduction. A quick surgery that allows for a suction to enter the uterus to retrieve all eggs, but one to two. Trash the remaining follicles, then continue with an IUI.
3) IVF Conversion. This would completely forget the original plan. We would go in for a egg retrieval, have all of them removed and added to a laboratory. They would be artificially fertilized then transferred back into me. There would be a great deal of added medicine and price tag.
Oh, and I needed to decide in the next 4 hours. Argh! It was too fast! I had blood work drawn immediately to see if I had started ovulation naturally. If I did, we would only be left with option 1, otherwise we had a choice. My body is always a few days behind (look at my follicle growth for instance) so I doubted that would be an issue. So that was sent to the lab and I called Graham so we could reassess and conclude together.
#1 was almost immediately cancelled out- what's the point of waiting when we switch from paying 20% to the full 100% in 6 weeks? It was crunch time and no one wants to deal with that. #2 was more feasible. We could still continue on, but at the back of my mind I kept thinking about all of my genetic material that I worked so hard to develop, just tossed in the trash. My coordinator said the success rates weren't that great, so I decided I didn't want to do that. #3 was the only one left. This option intimidated me, it was almost too overwhelming. Just last weekend I told Graham how I could picture us doing IVF more easily now, that at the beginning of this year, but I still wasn't prepared for all it entailed. As my doctor gave her professional opinion that this would be the best for me, I felt more and more at ease. I felt peace about this decision. I felt encouraged.
We also began to discuss my ovaries. The rapid swelling was semi-normal because of the medication, but the cramping shouldn't be too extreme. I particularly have to weigh myself for the next few days to check for large amount of fluid. If that happens I would be a good candidate for the dreaded Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). I have to avoid exercise, lifting, jumping, all that good stuff until I'm positive that I don't have it. Please say a prayer that won't happen to me!I have a very low amount of stimulating right now- it still hurts! Let alone intense pain. :(
So my doctor and I set up a tentative schedule for us to convert our IUI into IVF. I was given extra medication, retrieval/transfer dates, consent forms to sign and a promise that they would call with my blood work very soon. I wasn't out of the woods yet.
I left feeling extremely optimistic! Our week has been incredibly tense, but we still had the possibility to turn it around. I called Graham again and we talked a great deal about the entire situation. IVF. A big, scary route but one that also invoked greater possibilities for us. How amazing is it to feel like things are turning around?
Finally, my coordinator called me: I've started ovulating already.
We can't do IUI. Or IVF. Or any more medicine. We can't fertilize my plethora of eggs, lest we end up with Lacey the Octomom. We just have to sit and wait for me to figure out if I'm going to wind up in the hospital with OHSS.I don't want to say I'm heartbroken. I don't want to feel like I'm complaining. But it does feel like a blow. I meant it when I said that I felt better about this- I already told Graham that if we didn't get pregnant I would be okay this month. But I also feel like every single step has been undermined this month. We blew through hundreds of dollars in medicine and monitoring. I've taken pills and shots and ultrasounds and endured/enduring physical pain and prayed until I'm blue in the face. I'm trying to fulfill a righteous desire! Shouldn't this be easier? And why me? Why me...
Yet, regardless of the why, it is me. I'm very sad right now and I'm going to try to have fun this weekend to forget it all. Maybe it really is time for a break. It's been a year of pumping hormonal medications into me- a year of excessive tears and stress and anger. And a break from it all would feel heaven-sent, honestly.
I am okay. I don't need sympathy. I'll be better soon. However, I DO think I am going on a Facebook break soon, just delete it for a little while. I get too emotional looking at pregnancy announcements, beautiful newborns or parents who complain about their kids. Even having people ask me about babies and this process would just be too much. I just want to focus on me and Graham and the life that we lead together. It's actually quite lovely. I'm still very, very blessed. I'm taking it one month at a time. And there will be a point where I come home to our house with our baby- I just know it.
No comments:
Post a Comment