It was really hard and emotional, and I'm still coming down from the emotional affects of Mother's Day. I debated sharing on the actual day, but I felt too guilty because, like, motherhood isn't easy and Mama's do deserve some time to shine!
The past three years I have dreaded and dodged this holiday- I have to totally take myself out of the equation. I've come to realize that many people do and I appreciate the camaraderie, honestly. It makes me wanna ban together so we can all yell it out.
One of the most difficult moments of my life was over Mother's Day weekend (of course it was, amiright?). I was told my IVF #2 failed, to my utter shock, and I couldn't do anything but feel devastated. We had big plans to hear Graham's favorite speaker and I just couldn't get out of the bed to get myself put together. I laid in the bed and I couldn't stop crying. That night I quit all my injections and pills, in disbelief that it didn't work. I was so determined that I would get pregnant again that I didn't spend too much time worrying about what if it didn't work. When I got hungry enough I drove to DQ for my ultimate pick me up meal while blasting Lil Wayne's "I Feel Like Dying." And I felt like I could die of a heart that just won't quit breaking.
The next morning Graham forced me out of the bed to get lunch. As soon as we sat down we heard our table neighbors, it just so happened that we were adjacent from a large family gathering for Mother's Day. This group's most favorite member of all was their brand new baby. I'm serious, I thought my family fawned over babies, but we don't have anything on this one. They coo'ed and awe'd and kissed and played and passed around and complimented and adored him more than ANY child I have ever seen. He was so deeply loved and idolized. His Grandpa kept snatching him back so he could make funny noises while he searched for a little smile on the tiny angelic face. Finally I just couldn't hold it back and, just like in a bad quality movie, I had to run to the bathroom sobbing, in the desperate search for a tissue. And so I stood in a locked stall with wadded up paper as I sniveled and wondered why do I need to go through this? I get it, no child for me, but why do I constantly feel the deep anguish that comes from everyone else's babies?
I think it hurts worse because I try SO hard to be a supportive friend and shrug off the way that I truly feel, because I know it's for the betterment of all around me. And I am so happy for my friends that can expand their families and that get to tell tales of their little ones- it's no one's fault that I can't. But then I think of the baby that was in my belly this very year but now isn't. And I recognize that this was meant to be the first Mother's Day where I would celebrate the life I was bringing forth. Except, I'm not doing that anymore and that things are as stagnant as they always have been. It made Mother's Day so much harder, when I couldn't just be happy for myself.
We didn't share with anyone this time that we were doing another IVF- it was wedged in the week of my sister's wedding and I felt crazy balancing so many things that week. If anyone asked me what was up I evaded the truth and I don't regret that because I needed to keep it private for myself. It is such a stressful process, and it leaves you feeling so elated and scared and dejected and optimistic. It's one of the most challenging things I have ever done.
What's next you ask? Please don't ask. I don't know. I'm not ready to go there yet. I truly feel pulled in so many directions that I can't really separate which one is the course for me- I'm lucky to have so many options but it's also a bit of a struggle to decipher what to do. It's now my constant source when studying and praying.
I really should have taken more time off from my miscarriage before jumping in to the next thing. That is still such a major stressor for me. After some therapeutic venting sessions with friends, I've come to understand that if I'm not being proactive in "solving" this then I feel severe guilt and disgruntlement. I wish I didn't feel this way because after years of this, I need a break. My body, my mind, my marriage, my friendships, my calling- it would all benefit from a couple month's of down time. I wish it was a break with a baby in the belly, but it looks like it won't turn out that way just yet. Eeeeeeep.
Other minor things have been going wrong (like missing work because my car won't start and locking myself out of the house and feeling like I just can't get on top of things that I really need to be on top of) and it's being blown out of proportion because of the weight of everything. This deep sadness I feel is really, really getting me down. I feel silly getting to this point, there is a huge portion of me that knows how much I have that I am/should be happy about. I shouldn't dwell on this one small aspect of my life, but it has a way of magnifying itself.
So why am I here? I guess to write about the difficult subject that is Lacey. I'm in such a weird place in my life and it has taken a great deal of time to process everything. If you've stuck with me, just know that I LOVE you for it. It was told to me that I could find comfort and strength from my social media community and I have! Thanks for that :)
