For the spookiest time of the year, I crafted 2 costumes. I present: A gangster and his flapper ;)

 

 

 

Birthday Weekend 2015

    For my birthday, I had decided to do something low-key but still fun. As many times as we have been to Walt Disney World, we have never stayed at one of the themed resorts on property. There was a special Fall discount that we took advantage of and we booked 2 nights at the Coronado Springs!

    Then we made reservations for a birthday lunch at Le Cellier. This restaurant is a steakhouse in the World Showcase in the Canada area. We both had a wonderful Canadian meal- complete with poutine! After that we spilled around the park for a minute before checking into our room. We took a quick nap then came back to enjoy the Food and Wine festival. Graham and I tried things from New Zealand, South Korea, Italy, Japan and Germany. It was really so much fun! We kicked off 24 with a great start. 

    The remainder of the weekend we rotated between visiting each of the other parks. The heat wasn't too overwhelming, luckily. Instead it was fairly overcast and windy. Besides the Brown Derby that we ate for lunch on Saturday, we nibbled here and there, but G+I really kept our amount of sweets down! We shared everything besides 1 square of caramel that I kept for myself :)

    I know we do visit WDW very often but I still enjoy it every time. 

Epcot:

Hollywood Studios:

 Magic Kingdom:

Animal Kingdom:

Birthday Girl // 24

  24. That's how old I am today. I remember when I graduated my Mama said that after high school you'll blink and it's gone. Now I can nod my head in agreement. How am I already 24?
    This has been the first year that I haven't looked forward to my birthday. Last year I pranced around with my Birthday Week (that we actually celebrated), while this year it just feels stale? I guess some of it may have to do with the different mindset I'm in now, I feel a little more bitter, more anxious. Last year I thought I would be a mother and about to wrap up with school by now. Neither of those has happened yet and I guess you can say I'm disappointed in myself. It's making accepting another year older a little bit more hard.
    But I have to remind myself! Look for the positive. I am so blessed, so extremely blessed. While my year has been stressful, I have friends who never even saw this age. And this is supposed to be among the best time of my life. I'm grateful to be alive!
    I guess maybe that's something I need to work on until my next birthday, seeing the good in all situations. Let's start with here: This morning I woke up to numerous celebratory messages from friends and family. Our bedroom, bathroom and living room had been decorated by a sneaky G. S. Alexander. I was gifted with a manicure and massage (Last night I told myself that I was going to book one! Thanks for being on top of things Grahammy!) I'm going down to Disney World to spend the next 3 days. I'm a lucky girl.
    As a 24 year old woman (I know everyone older than me is scoffing) I hope do to great things! To seek for the good and be the best I can be! To make it an age to remember! So, here's to me for sucking up my pride and embracing all that comes with 24.

Girls Trip to Disney

  

    Two weeks ago 3 ladies, 2 babies, 1 double stroller. 3 suitcases, a breast pump and pumpkin shaped cookies were thrown into one car for a girls trip down in Orlando, Florida, home of the Mouse. The three of us took turns driving the car, wedged in the back seat between the car seats and pushing the stroller all over Magic Kingdom. We ate as much as we wanted. We rode roller coaster and kiddie rides alike. Our time at the MK was short; we finished up fast passes,enjoyed a Dole Whip, watched the parade and took pictures of Echo and Sophie in front of Cinderella's castle. Both of those smiley girls were fantastic all day! Afterwards, we hit up our hotel, huge shoutout to Molly for arranging it! I picked up an order from Olive Garden and we stayed up past our normal bedtimes to talk late into the evening. It was here when I found about Acey's ordeal at the MTC, I was pretty emotional about it all, so I really appreciated Kipin+Molly's words and our joint prayer more than they know.

    On the second day we knew that our main objective was to rush Epcot's Food and Wine Festival. Before the World Showcase opened we jumped on Mission to Mars and Test Track while the babies listened to the street performers. Afterwards blinders were on and to the countries we went! Basically, with the 20 or so little booths with their own appetizers our objective was to eat through as many euphonious ones as possible. Obviously we care nothing for the spirits, but were extremely interested in buying trying other country's food! We ate from the Dominican Republic, Hawaii, Canada, France, Belgium, Germany, New Zealand. They were all so delish! By the time we made our way back around, we did a half circle again for the French ice cream. By this point my feet were about to fall off and I was sick with worry about my brother. We collectively decided to come back home. 

    It's so nice to have friends, you know?. Having people who really care about you is always a peaceful feeling- especially when they're also really witty and outgoing! I loooved our girls' trip and can't wait for the next one :)

New Zealand's Venison Marsala w/a sweet potato. 

DIETING

Jacksonville, FL :)

    I finally got my tentative schedule for our next cycle. If I said that I was excited about it, that would be a fierce understatement! I am seriously looking forward to it. I am eager for a new start. Originally my coordinator planned on doing the exact same protocol as before. The more I thought about that I just became so incredibly uneasy. I prayed about it constantly. Knowing that we have had 5 monitored natural cycles that haven't worked for whatever reason, I couldn't get that out of the back of my head. So I dug down into the sassy part of myself to push for a more evasive procedure. And I feel very grateful that they were understanding and agreed with me.

    Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd I will be having my first Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) in a few weeks. Yay!!! I've been been hoping for an IUI since we first came to my clinic. To gear up for this I am going to be using estrogen patches, having shots of Menopur & HCG and multiple ultrasounds to know if I am staying on track. Oh, plus my daily Aspirin and prenatal. And two blood draws. And, for now, birth control. And- just kidding- I'll stop being annoying. The point is, there are many things to be done.

    Since our other cycles weren't successful I've had a lot of time to really think about the why. Of course, some of it I truly believe is Heavenly Father's timing. But surely there's more- I can't just accept there isn't anything else to be done. What could I have done better? Where am I lacking at? Am I doing all that I can? And at the back of my mind I thought, duh, straighten up your diet.

     Anyone who is familiar with me knows that my eating habits are poor. The best way to describe it is: 1) very, very picky 2) craving sugar constantly 3) almost entirely against trying new foods 4) not a fan of many vegetables. It makes my life hard! But it's also very hard for me to overcome, I have a lot of anxiety around trying things out of my comfort zones. Combine that with the fact that I don't like having any food restrictions and you'll see why I realize that I must at least try to change it up. My most favorite foods are starchy, sweet and unhealthy. But I want to give this all I've got.

     Last night Graham and I decided that we would begin our "lifestyle changes" today. We spent a great deal of money shopping around for groceries. It's truly so much more expensive to purchase fresh fruits, vegetables and healthy conscientious goodies. But if it is one step closer to my baby and to a healthier Lacey I'll drop it like it's hot with a smile on my face. And we really did leave with a full trunk of delicious things.

    My personal gameplan is to try to eat more fresh produce, snack on healthier things and really focus on how I cook/eat meat. I know that I can't, and really don't want to, completely quit with sweets so I'm allotting one fun sized Snicker (or an equivalent) throughout my day. I want to drink half a gallon of water a day and cut down on my milk quantity. Graham and I are also writing everything down to post on our fridge, just some added accountability for each other. 

    I think this is achievable and will still let us eat things we enjoy. My main goal is to find a nice medium between wasting away as I nibble on carrot straws & gorging myself with pasta and chocolate. And I'll guarantee that there will be times when I slip up (like at my birthday weekend in 3 days) but I am determined to give it a go! I want to do all I can to be better, for a baby and myself. So yep, that's our newest adventure. I can't help thinking that our life never slows down!

2.5 in Marriage

    Me and this man hit 4 years of being together and 2.5 years of marriage in the past two weeks. I say it again and again but- time stops for no (wo)man. It's cruel and delightful all at once. I want to live in the past, present and future at the same time.
    I also got the opportunity to tell my life story (in 20 minutes, mind you) a few days ago as part of my calling in Young Women. As soon as I began discussing my sophomore year in college Graham was injected to the story, after all he's my most favorite part. As I told the story I began to find it terribly romantic to relive it all. I told how originally I did a hair flip and he kept trying to catch my eye. I talked about 18 months of driving back and forth every single weekend to see me. I mentioned the most darling proposal I could have imagined. I spoke of the most sacred and incredibly beautiful experience of our temple sealing. Of course, I didn't get to brush by the hard parts or the less desirable aspects... but  I told them that they were just more bearable.
    I couldn't help saying that this year has been the most stressful, scary, tough and challenging of my life. Death and infertility and depression and unforeseen circumstances all in a few months. But nothing was so bad that I haven't been able to rely on my testimony (though I've asked many, many questions and spent innumerable days in tears) and Graham for strength. I am not one who handles hard things with grace. I've snapped at people, been unforgiving and more aggravating than I like to admit.
    But I really admire my boy for allowing me to really deal with feelings that I didn't understand very well. For sticking up for me when needed. For putting me in my place when necessary. For trying very hard to understand me and my emotions more than ever before. It just reminds me that we're good together. When the going gets tough, the tough get going, amiright?
    I hope that I won't have another crazy year like this last one for a long time. Preferably never ;) And who knows- maybe next year will top this one with bizarre situations or unanswered questions. That's the beauty of the future, ever changing, unpredictable and filled with opportunity. I like to think that we can do anything, good or bad, as long as we're together.
    And for the record, yes I am a cheese ball and no I don't care.

Premature

     A week from yesterday I wrote up all about my brother's final day with us prior to his mission. In a twist of events he came home much quicker than we anticipated. He flew in to Jacksonville last night, 7 days after leaving. He was released as a full-time missionary this afternoon back home in Douglas. I decided I would be frank about the situation, which I imagine people would be curious about, and hopefully save him from having to repeat over and over.
    The days since his departure have been the most challenging of his life. As soon as he boarded his first plane he said that a dark cloud of loneliness came over him. Then he met up with other missionaries for the second flight and he felt better. He got his dork dot (a symbol that he was a fresh new missionary) and met up with his companion for the next 12 days. In typical missionary style, he got put to work right away.
    The first early morning they immediately started to work on skill-sets for the mission field, including how to teach, the proper ways to do so, etc. As soon as this real training began he started to panic. He wasn't able to focus, he quit eating and daily functioning became difficult for him. He attended classes and couldn't even reply when it was his turn to speak. His feelings of lonesomeness was his biggest downfall. So he was sent to and fro, with his companion going along to the doctor's and so forth.  This caused Acey's companion to fall behind in their rigorous schedule (which truly wasn't fair to him). There are so many missionaries there that they aren't able to give too much individualized attention to a single elder, it's more of a quick training course for masses. The MTC called 5 days after he arrived to speak with my parents and said that something had to give. Acey was completely miserable and broke down when he talked on the phone to Mama and Daddy, everything just intensified. They really wanted him to stay, but the coordinator who was on the phone said that in his 5 years of being a worker in the MTC he had not seen a worse case of severe separation anxiety. He just didn't think he was ready yet. Acey was given an extra 2 days to really decide his own fate, where he steadily declined. His own health was at risk because of the aforementioned problems and it just became a medical issue as the days progressed. It became clear that, for the moment, he would not continue his mission. The MTC agreed that he would have to come home to first work on his anxiety before he would get sent into the mission field. So he flew back.
    I write this because it's hard for him, our family, our ward. It's extremely important to me to level with everyone in the hopes that he will continue to receive support and love. So many people pitched in to help him before he left and my family is exceptionally grateful for that. The MTC said, "his heart is in the right place" and we know that was true. He is a good young man with courage to try something that was scary for him but, for now, he has some things he needs to work on. We, of course, only hope that his future will be filled with the best. It's completely possible that he will go out at a later time when he feels more able to cope with all of the emotions that come with it- at this point it's just too early to tell. But despite any challenge or trial or emotion our family loves him to pieces. And it'll stay that way.

Elder Mizell Is Gone!

    After months of saying it, the day finally came for Acey to leave us for his mission. He has had a wonderful time preparing. Family has helped gather the many, many things he will require for the next 2 years. I've been just about to burst at the seams to share about it all, but I decided to wait until he left before really getting down in the nitty gritty.
    About 2/3 weeks ago problems began popping up. First Acey's elbow and wrist were broken, which makes moving his 100 lbs (YES 100 lbs!) of luggage very difficult. Less than a week before he was supposed to leave for New Zealand his passport and visa were delivered. Unfortunately, the packaged was left in a position where the dog had access. By the time Acey made it home it was in 50 small pieces. The mission office stated that his entire flight situation would need to be rearranged and they sent him a new schedule requiring him to fly into the Provo MTC as opposed to the Auckland MTC. The most recent update is that his passport is en route to a lady named Marcy in Texas- who knows.
    With all of this is going on, he is gradually getting more nervous and time is whittling down. Last night I was getting worked up because they still hadn't made it to my home (where they were planning to stay) and I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. At midnight my parents and brothers showed up; we spent an hour chatting and getting ready for bed. As he laid on the palette, I sat adjacent in my armchair and wrote him a looong letter, filled with what I thought he should hear. I tucked it into his carry-on and fell asleep.
    Three and a half hours later we left for the airport. Anxiety was so palpable it could be sliced with a knife. As soon as we arrived, at 5:25 or so, we checked his luggage and walked to the security. Despite the early hour, the line for security was extremely long. We lingered about for 10 minutes, then began to look to look in earnest for Grandma and Aunt Sheila, who had drove in to see him off. Eventually he stood in the line as Grandma walked up. We took a few photos as he neared the entrance point that we couldn't enter. It seemed like those moments were fast forwarded. Granger hugged him. I hugged him, and I was proud that I only got a little choked up as I kissed his cheek. Mama teared up and hugged him. He reached over to hug Daddy and I heard a tiny, mangled gutteral sound leave him as he finally let his emotions get the best of him. The two of them are the best of friends and I know they will particularly miss each other. Immediately after this, he straightened up and entered the next line. We stood around and saw him close- up twice more as he paced the swiveling waiting line. Finally he entered security and we watched as he took the exit for his terminal, he didn't even look back. We walked back to the car, still shocked that it was over. His time with us was spent, for now. As we pulled off we saw his plane soaring across the black sky. And this chapter of his life closed.
    Acey called for a moment when he arrived in Salt Lake City, thanks to the kindness of a shuttle driver. He flew from Atlanta with several other elders and was already making friends. He was gearing up to enter the MTC.
    I am so proud of him. He is doing such a great work! I ask for your prayers at this time as he endures this part of his life. I know that if he puts his trust in the Lord he will be successful. We are just so grateful for his decision and love him so much!

September Update

    September. This month was the first time we had used an RE to monitor my cycle. I have felt so at ease, so peaceful; it's been a very nice change compared to all the worry that I feel from my previous cycles. My doctor had me in his office for 2 blood draws and 3 ultrasounds. I had to take a prenatal and a Vitamin D pill every day. One day I had to take 10 tabs of Letrozole at the same time (my pharmacy had to double check that the doctor prescribed it, since it's usually taken in much smaller increments) and then went straight to bed. Halfway through Graham even had to administer a shot into my hip. That was a huge deal, especially since the 2 of us don't have a lick of a medical experience and I have a phobia of needles. Shout out to my BFF Miranda who talked me through it! All of that, so carefully watched, for a babe so incredibly wanted.
    After one ultrasound, my Nurse Practitioner reached underneath the machine and pulled up a square black and white photograph. My small follicle was front and center in my uterus. "For your baby book," she said. I stuffed it in my purse, and when I got to my car I stared at it. The most beautiful little oval I ever did see. This was my baby, potentially anyway. As soon as I got home I put it on my refrigerator and would walk by just to stare at it. I couldn't help thinking of that tiny little dot growing into a full sized human someday.
     After the trigger shot, which make me ovulate, I began to feel sick. Upset stomach, cramping, general discomfort. Dr Google has been like a frenemy to me lately. It said any of this could be a surefire way to know that I was experiencing the fertilization of the egg. This kept on until 2 weeks post- ovulation. And time to take a test. It's weird to feel stuck in two parallels- wanting a positive so bad but having the negative ingrained in your brain. And as sure as anything, the test revealed that we weren't going to be parents just yet.
     I feel frustrated. I can't figure out where we went wrong. We did all the right steps, and every test gave good results (nice egg quality, correct follicle size, I ovulated) but no. And then I turn to the Lord and ask why my pleas weren't answered yet, but I never get a straight- forward answer.
     Month after month we end up doing these things. I can honestly say that it's the most stress I've ever encountered. I now know that I've had to endure another month of the usual "just quit thinking about it," "stop trying, then you will," or "it's the Lord's timing." Okay. Okay. Okay. There isn't a quick, easy fix it! I find it offensive that people even think that, there clearly isn't! It's partly why I trudge on and share every bit of a truly tough situation for me to talk on. My body requires me to jump through certain hoops. I can't just stop treatment and let it happen- my body simply isn't set up that way. My anxiety is, without question, through the roof. But I understand that it isn't easy to comprehend it, particularly from my perspective. Unless you've lived through it you just don't see it in the same way! And lately I've been feeling angry when someone offers a well intended, but insensitive, comment. It simply doesn't help lighten my burden, but adds to it. The best way I can put is this: when you yearn so bad, pray so fervently, follow all of the stupid, over-reaching steps and it's just for naught then someone has the audacity to say something without thinking? People, it's aggravating. I know you're trying to help but please don't try to belittle my feelings in the process (as you can tell my hormones are going stark crazy lately), just remember I'm only human.
    I'll jump off my soapbox for a moment. It isn't always so hard, there are many times where I feel like I can endured it with strength. I am mostly to blame for this time feeling worse than the others. I made the mistake of really allowing myself to hope this might actually be it. It wasn't just one thing, but a series of what I thought were 'hints' that it was the right time: My doctor said we easily could be successful this month, I felt a prompting that it would happen "quickly," I dreamed my doctor said I had perfect results from a blood draw test to check if we were expecting, as I walked in to buy a pregnancy test "I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You" was playing, I dreamed again that I saw double lines on a test. The stars seemed to be aligned- right?
    But, no. No, no, nooo. So it's a no-go for this month. It always takes a lot out of me after a failed cycle and I need time to grieve. I have to have at least one day to cry it out and find peace. To forget what could have been and what really is. I'll trash my follicle's photograph and try to piece myself back together. I'll have to keep on freaking waiting without knowing. (I hate when I use the word 'freaking' but I'm justifying it this one time.)
     I dread it. No one understands how reluctant I am to sit in the sad, infertile office with all the disappointed smiles from the nurses and pictures of newborns smiling down at me. But then again, it's my cross to bear and I'll have to keep lifting it a little longer. I will because there isn't any other option- quitting just ain't for me. If anything that would prolong the joy I seek. I know that Heavenly Father realizes how much I detest all of this, but how strongly I feel that we should have a baby- I guess He knew that I would be able to do this.
    This post feels negative, but I definitely feel uplifted from our most recent General Conference sessions. I know that what I'm going through will not last forever. And I feel peace around the fact that I will be a mother one day. Just not today. And that's still something I'm working on- as my beloved Prophet Thomas S Monson said, "Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. Cast out doubt. Cultivate faith."  And I'm trying! Heavenly Father knows I'm trying! But for now I'm going back to the RE to try to figure out what went wrong. Sometimes my dream of actually being able to carry a child of mine and Graham's seems like forever away.

Acey and Granger in Magic Kingdom Vid

    I've been trying to make this video for 2 weeks. The entire program did 3 things 1) kept crashing 2) would only show a black screen when editing 3) emitted a shrill static. I just don't have the patience for all of these issues, ya know? Finally I just removed the entire program, re-downloaded it and WAH-LA. (Is that a real word or just a sound? I'm too lazy to google.) So here it is! Disney w/ my broskis. Yes, I did just go there. Tootles!

Acey's Farewell

    The familiarity that Church brings for me is always comforting. There have only been a few Sundays where I've been caught off guard (like when my Uncle Luke was randomly called at Bishop) but the past Sacrament service in the Douglas, GA II ward was definitely on up there.

    I might be a broken record, but here we go: Acey will become Elder Mizell extremely soon! 6 days from today, to be exact. What an exciting time in his life. There have been many trials that have popped up, there's been extra stress, but last Sunday was such a poignant moment for our family.

    Acey's farewell address was given September 27th. Mama was in charge of arranging the speakers, though each had a similar topic. As I sat on the stand that morning I felt so at peace. This Sabbath morning was completely centered around my own family, and how the gospel of Jesus Christ had affected us.

    It began when my father gave the opening prayer. I leaned over to see the Sacrament being blessed by Graham. I was asked to bare my testimony (which I focused on missionary work, including member missionaries). My youngest brother Granger then gave a talk, his shared the story of Sid Going (ironically a New Zealander) who was so devout and successful in his craft that he changed the day the league played Rugby. My mother was the second speaker, she read several letters from Listi who shared how missionary work changed her attitude and testimony. Then lastly Acey spoke. As nervous as he was, I could have burst when he bore his testimony. I can't wait for it to grow tenfold while he's gone. Then the meeting was closed when my Grandma Marilyn gave the benediction. 

    I missed Listi's farewell last year, there was too much going on. It was extremely special for me to 1) witness this Sacrament meeting and 2) be asked to be apart of it. As times are dwindling I'm trying to cherish all of these moments. 

    That meeting was one of the most Spiritual I have ever experienced. I felt the Holy Ghost as strong as ever when the  congregation sung "Called To Serve" with such vigor. I am here to say that the Gospel changes lives! Jesus Christ is real! His word is true! And an 18 year old from a tiny little podunk town in Georgia is leaving to preach that in a far off country.

    I can only imagine how proud Heavenly Father must be when missionaries leave in His name. I know that I'm beaming from ear to ear. I love my family more than life. And trust me, I'll be back to write up his leaving in just a few days!