September Update

    September. This month was the first time we had used an RE to monitor my cycle. I have felt so at ease, so peaceful; it's been a very nice change compared to all the worry that I feel from my previous cycles. My doctor had me in his office for 2 blood draws and 3 ultrasounds. I had to take a prenatal and a Vitamin D pill every day. One day I had to take 10 tabs of Letrozole at the same time (my pharmacy had to double check that the doctor prescribed it, since it's usually taken in much smaller increments) and then went straight to bed. Halfway through Graham even had to administer a shot into my hip. That was a huge deal, especially since the 2 of us don't have a lick of a medical experience and I have a phobia of needles. Shout out to my BFF Miranda who talked me through it! All of that, so carefully watched, for a babe so incredibly wanted.
    After one ultrasound, my Nurse Practitioner reached underneath the machine and pulled up a square black and white photograph. My small follicle was front and center in my uterus. "For your baby book," she said. I stuffed it in my purse, and when I got to my car I stared at it. The most beautiful little oval I ever did see. This was my baby, potentially anyway. As soon as I got home I put it on my refrigerator and would walk by just to stare at it. I couldn't help thinking of that tiny little dot growing into a full sized human someday.
     After the trigger shot, which make me ovulate, I began to feel sick. Upset stomach, cramping, general discomfort. Dr Google has been like a frenemy to me lately. It said any of this could be a surefire way to know that I was experiencing the fertilization of the egg. This kept on until 2 weeks post- ovulation. And time to take a test. It's weird to feel stuck in two parallels- wanting a positive so bad but having the negative ingrained in your brain. And as sure as anything, the test revealed that we weren't going to be parents just yet.
     I feel frustrated. I can't figure out where we went wrong. We did all the right steps, and every test gave good results (nice egg quality, correct follicle size, I ovulated) but no. And then I turn to the Lord and ask why my pleas weren't answered yet, but I never get a straight- forward answer.
     Month after month we end up doing these things. I can honestly say that it's the most stress I've ever encountered. I now know that I've had to endure another month of the usual "just quit thinking about it," "stop trying, then you will," or "it's the Lord's timing." Okay. Okay. Okay. There isn't a quick, easy fix it! I find it offensive that people even think that, there clearly isn't! It's partly why I trudge on and share every bit of a truly tough situation for me to talk on. My body requires me to jump through certain hoops. I can't just stop treatment and let it happen- my body simply isn't set up that way. My anxiety is, without question, through the roof. But I understand that it isn't easy to comprehend it, particularly from my perspective. Unless you've lived through it you just don't see it in the same way! And lately I've been feeling angry when someone offers a well intended, but insensitive, comment. It simply doesn't help lighten my burden, but adds to it. The best way I can put is this: when you yearn so bad, pray so fervently, follow all of the stupid, over-reaching steps and it's just for naught then someone has the audacity to say something without thinking? People, it's aggravating. I know you're trying to help but please don't try to belittle my feelings in the process (as you can tell my hormones are going stark crazy lately), just remember I'm only human.
    I'll jump off my soapbox for a moment. It isn't always so hard, there are many times where I feel like I can endured it with strength. I am mostly to blame for this time feeling worse than the others. I made the mistake of really allowing myself to hope this might actually be it. It wasn't just one thing, but a series of what I thought were 'hints' that it was the right time: My doctor said we easily could be successful this month, I felt a prompting that it would happen "quickly," I dreamed my doctor said I had perfect results from a blood draw test to check if we were expecting, as I walked in to buy a pregnancy test "I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You" was playing, I dreamed again that I saw double lines on a test. The stars seemed to be aligned- right?
    But, no. No, no, nooo. So it's a no-go for this month. It always takes a lot out of me after a failed cycle and I need time to grieve. I have to have at least one day to cry it out and find peace. To forget what could have been and what really is. I'll trash my follicle's photograph and try to piece myself back together. I'll have to keep on freaking waiting without knowing. (I hate when I use the word 'freaking' but I'm justifying it this one time.)
     I dread it. No one understands how reluctant I am to sit in the sad, infertile office with all the disappointed smiles from the nurses and pictures of newborns smiling down at me. But then again, it's my cross to bear and I'll have to keep lifting it a little longer. I will because there isn't any other option- quitting just ain't for me. If anything that would prolong the joy I seek. I know that Heavenly Father realizes how much I detest all of this, but how strongly I feel that we should have a baby- I guess He knew that I would be able to do this.
    This post feels negative, but I definitely feel uplifted from our most recent General Conference sessions. I know that what I'm going through will not last forever. And I feel peace around the fact that I will be a mother one day. Just not today. And that's still something I'm working on- as my beloved Prophet Thomas S Monson said, "Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. Cast out doubt. Cultivate faith."  And I'm trying! Heavenly Father knows I'm trying! But for now I'm going back to the RE to try to figure out what went wrong. Sometimes my dream of actually being able to carry a child of mine and Graham's seems like forever away.