It's hard to even find words. How can you use such simple, uncomplicated things to express such elation? I am pregnant. Not only that, but I am 15.5 weeks along. To sweeten the deal there are 2 apple sized babies growing in utero. The miracle of life is a real thing and I still can't fathom that I'm able to experience it.
We trudged through infertility for 3 years, a drop in the bucket for some people, but it was felt so fiercely throughout every single day. It has been the greatest challenge of my life. I've prayed for a baby to come into our family, knowing that he/she would be so, so, so loved. The incessant waiting and lack of answers made it unbearable at times. Last October, we decided to continue on with in vitro fertilization (IVF). In November we did an egg retrieval and I was swollen like a guinea pig from them gathering so many eggs. In January we decided to purse our first course of IVF and, thus, we met our deductible in the first week of the new year! It was successful and I fell pregnant, only to find out I miscarried unexpectedly. It took 6 weeks for everything from that pregnancy to naturally pass from me and I grieved more than I ever have before. I spent the next few months in a stupor. I carried around a positive pregnancy test in my purse to remind myself that it was real event, and not just something I imagined. Depression is real and I experienced it for myself; I still think of this baby almost daily. But life must go on. After enough time had passed we geared back up for another round, which we completed in May. I put my heart into it, I wanted to be a mother more than anything else. We found out that it didn't work. I felt so morose and begged for strength to continue on. I felt like I should time some time off but I couldn't rationalize it- I didn't want to put it off. We immediately began for another round in June, which was set to happen June 29th.
July 3rd was only 4 days past my 5 days transfer- which means I was still 5 days away from when I was supposed to take a test that would accurately tell me the results. I woke up very early on accident and immediately began to google the likelihood of a getting a positive pregnancy test. Google confirmed that the chances would be extremely slim and that I should wait it out; I reluctantly decided to follow the instructions. That lasted about 30 seconds until my resolve took a nosedive, the itch was strong. I petered into the bathroom knowing that it was a bad mistake. I quickly took a test, covered it up, and continued with my morning routine. The limbo period is always a simultaneous desire to check it immediately and put it off until the last moment. Finally the time came, as I took the paper off the test my heart dropped. A very faint second line showed up on the test. I remember murmuring "I'm pregnant!" and feeling so happy, then I felt my heart drop and a lump swell in my throat. It felt so wrong to feel that way- it was not what I expected. I was elated. But then again I wasn't ready for the chance to lose another child. My emotions battled. Still, there was proof of a baby!
I sat back down on my couch and googled incessantly. I tried to make myself more presentable, yanked out my camera and when it came time all the cutesy things I planned to use to surprise my husband flew out the window. Graham woke up for work and I could not hold it in. I extended the test to him when he began to pray aloud (not planned). The first thing he asked for us was that we could get pregnant soon and my heart soared. He opened his eyes and he saw that his words weren't just a request anymore. I think he was as dumbfounded as I was.
I began to accept that it was real when my clinic confirmed it with bloodwork at 4 weeks pregnant. There was a teensy, tiny dot that was forming into a child, how insane! The next day I joined my family for a vacation, which made the secret both difficult and easy. They didn't really ask questions when I would leave them during the following week for bloodwork. They assumed it was routine, yet I knew it was to continue proving that my HCG levels were rising (the only way to know the pregnancy is progressing if you're that early on). My numbers steadily climbed and my heart lifted.
After three times of proving my HCG was on the up and up, my bloodwork aspect was over. I was hoping to keep checking but my clinic pulled the plug, instead asked me to patiently wait for one more week to come in for a 6 week Ultrasound. It was a reasonable request. For anyone who has read my post about my miscarriage, you'll know that it was at that appointment when I found out I had a vanishing pregnancy. So suddenly, it wasn't all that reasonable to me. My anxiety was so, so high as I waited during that period. It was truly hell. I refused to follow the path that I experienced with the first baby, which included downloading a daily growth tracker, buying baby items or making too great of a mention of it. I downplayed it as much as possible because there was great fear in my heart. I hope this doesn't come off as my being unappreciative, but rather I felt so strongly that I had to protect myself, lest I experience something else devastating.
The morning of my ultrasound was one of the scariest days of my life. I sat in my car with plenty of time before Graham was there and I watched my hands shake. I videoed a few quick thoughts I had and my voice quavered. It was so scary. Pregnancy after infertility is stressful, but pregnancy after loss is a whole new ballgame. You're worried about yourself and your child. You want to believe that it's okay but you're afraid to be too invested. You wonder if you made all the right choices along the way. It's the worst flurry of emotions.
When I'm lost and can't bear it alone I have to seek peace. I prayed so fiercely that I wouldn't be let down. I prayed that a baby would be in there. I prayed that a heartbeat would be visible. I prayed that all of the heartache, all of the money, all of the wasted time would be worth it. I prayed that we could actually carry this baby home and make a family.
Of course, by now it's obvious that it worked. But just a matter of 8 weeks ago, it wasn't this way. There was fear and excitement then, and at times there still are now! Even after exiting my first trimester I worry more than is probably necessary. After telling both of our immediate families, I didn't feel like I wanted to share it further. Of course the nervousness was a factor, but it was enough to have a few people know and send me their well wishes. They were thrilled for us and it raised my spirits. Thank you, family! Experiencing this with you has been sweeter than I imaged it would be. I'm so happy to know our babies are coming into a home with love.
There is so much that people say about a mother's love that I know is true: I loved them even before I knew of them. I hoped and prayed for them when they were microscopic embryos in petri dishes. I pleaded with God to send them to me and it never will not astound me that he finally did so. They are truly the inspiration of my delight
I also know that at times I battle with the guilt of getting to experience pregnancy and motherhood. I know so many other deserving women who I wish so desperately could do the same! As happy as we can be for someone else, it's always, always a slight blow to yourself. There will be absolutely no hard feelings if you can't speak to me about this, need to remove me from your newsfeed or have to take other measures- I've been there and I've done it all. Please, please know that I haven't forgotten you, that I know your plight and that I honestly pray for you.
I started writing blog posts up weekly after my first Ultrasound. I'll share them on the blog when I can :)
