Every time I finish up a fertility post, I know there will inevitably be a few family members who just don't understand what I'm trying to convey. I get it, the lingo is unfamiliar to the mass population. Trying to wrap your mind around it all can be very confusing, trust me, it's the same for me half the time. If you ever leave scratching your head- I apologize! Please reach out with any questions: 1) I love being a know-it-all 2) I am very eager to help others learn more about infertility.
    November was harsh! I wrote it all up, it mainly consisted of being a swollen guinea pig all month. After leaving my clinic knowing that we would not be able to further our treatment for the month, I came home to wait it out.
    Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome- that's what the last two weeks have been. My doctor told me that I would be a possible candidate and I did have a minor case. When I began to have cramping and discomfort I decided to look up some more information on the subject, to figure out what was going on with my body, this is what I learned: The average ovary is between three to five inches. I had eleven mature follicles, which are the sacs that holds a woman's egg, on my left side that were half an inch wide. My right ovary had 9 mature follicles, but it didn't offer near the amount of discomfort. So my poor little left ovary was truly bursting at the seams! 
    I consider it low-key because I didn't wind up in the hospital, however it was extremely painful at times. Whenever I would turn to my left side, raise my knees up, sit down into a chair or have any light pressure on my pelvic area it would cause throb horrifically. After a few days of this I was worried if I was undermining how severe it actually was, and since I had no experience I wasn't sure what was normal. I wished I had a friend who had endured it to absolve my worries, yet, I never felt the need to call my doctor, so I can only assume it was a typical case. I was incredibly relieved when my pain began to subside, about 12 days after ovulating ;)
    The physical part is never as bad as the mental though. This month was not the worst by any means, yet it was aggravating to go through highs and lows in a short period of time. One of my problems is that I tend to over-romanticize things. I think of Saturday mornings where the two of us will sleep in and I'll just throw our child in between us for more snuggles. Or family pictures where everyone can see how it was worth it I go through my struggles. It's so much easier than to think of all the other difficult things (and days) that can come from giving birth to a small human.
    It is exceptionally interesting to me how different men and women view things. The way Graham thinks of a child seems to be very abstract. Despite who says the prayer, it's always mentioned by one of us, but it's easier for me to actually understand that it will entail I think. I wonder about the connection of a father and a child. I have had friends share experiences where fatherhood isn't always understood as well until the day of arrival; I'm curious if Graham will feel that way. Meanwhile, I think I will feel very connected, perhaps because of instinct or infertility, I don't know. I already feel very, very strongly that I will adore any little spirit that will come into our home. And I'm sick of this waiting already!
    But I guess I'll keep on regardless (aka no choice in the matter). I am undecided as to whether we'll pursue this month or if we will just enjoy the Holidays without the stress of it all. I haven't though too seriously on the matter, as the OHSS has kept me from having any sort of baby-thoughts. I'm waiting on a little guidance to see what we will do. I can say that I feel confident that the right thing will happen in the right time, now how will I know when that is? Impatient lady over here! Get on that, body! 

    I don't want to share another depressing sonogram, so here I am post- OHSS with my main squeeze. Seriously, I couldn't do this thing without him. Literally and figuratively. 

One Year without Nicole

    One year ago today, though on Thanksgiving, I spent most of the day without knowing that my life had inexplicably changed forever. That evening when I found out about everything, I could only ask why. I prayed with vigor and diligence but still felt empty- it just didn't add up. Everyone who loved her went through the motions of a funeral, a burial and adjusting to life after her death. I just couldn't (and sometimes still can't) understand it all. 
    About 6 months ago I woke up from a dream in serious, hard tears. The setting was probably the strangest part of the dream. Everyone had business clothes, there were cubicles all around with a skyview outside the window. I was standing around without a reason, waiting maybe? Then I saw my Nicole walking towards me. In my dream I recognized that she had already passed away. I burst into crocodile tears and ran to her. I hugged her for what could have been an eternity while letting my emotions spill out. She was smiling so brightly, she had a sense of light around her. She brought me peace as she said, "Lacey, I'm okay! I'm okay!" Her warmth spread towards me as I understood the meaning behind her simple words: She was okay. When I woke up, though I didn't have answers, I knew that the dream was more than a coincidence.
    This past year has been really hard for me, especially when I tie in the mourning. I haven't written too much about it because it's not my way of grieving. I do it more when I'm alone lost my thoughts or when surrounded with our mutual friends. It's one of the hardest things to keep going after someone you love passes. She was undoubtedly the closest person to me that I've experienced losing. Even to use the term 'hard' just isn't strong enough- there are countless emotions that come with loss, something I didn't realize. I feel guilt that she isn't here to continue growing up, while I am. I feel sorrowful for her family and friends who are constantly reminded by her memories but can never have her presence again. I feel happy that we did have great memories that I can use when I'm at my lowest. I feel angry knowing that she didn't deserve to have her life cut short. I think about these, but it always comes back to my dream: I feel confident that she IS OKAY where she is now. 
    Yesterday Graham and I dropped by for her candlelight vigil held at her grave site. Let me start by saying that she truly has the most beautiful set up of anyone I've ever seen, it just fits her. There is a little bench that I sat on as I held my candle, watching the tiny flame flicker back and forth. I conjured up our best memories and offered a prayer of immense gratitude that I was apart of her life for many years. I prayed for solace for everyone on the following difficult days that will inevitably come this next year. I pondered a moment longer on why the Lord chooses specific people to come back earlier than others. I packed my candle in the car and drove towards home. I was recapping my dream to Graham and shared some of my questions with him. We turned onto the main road and chills shot up my spin. A vibrant rainbow was in the sky, directly over her memorial service. It was overwhelming. Calling that a coincidence just wouldn't be right. I think it was a sign, whether from her or God himself. It was another stamp that she would always be with us, that she would never leave as long as our memories held and that she really is in a better place. I hope to never forget the serenity I felt in that moment. 
    Nicole was such a beautiful, energetic, special friend. She was truly the epitome of fun! I miss that so much. When I was searching for pictures, I realized that we listed each other as sisters on Facebook; her, Miranda and I loved each other as if we were so. There have been countless times where I've longed to ask her a question, to hear about her life, to meet up and talk about the years of craziness we shared- I doubt that will ever stop. I will always cherish and honor our time together, but I'll keep on missing her just the same. 

    Always in the remembrance of my best friend Nicole Torpea.

November: Monthly L+G

    Lately our little home has felt very busy! We have just had a list a mile long, and we have slowly checked off a thing or two here, a thing or two there. Let's get it started with the most hilarious picture of all time:

-I helped prepare our 2015 Night of Excellence. The Young Women program in the LDS church works on Personal Progress (basically experiences and projects based on certain values: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, etc) throughout the year and we display/showcase a project of choice. The YW President created the theme "Color Me Beautiful." I was in charge of decorations, so I gathered my Pinterest ideas and the sweat off the brow's of our youth :) We ended up making a multicolored balloon banner, tulle bows, tissue pom poms and another banner with our theme's name on it. The other leaders helped by prepared food or speaking at our event. It was a very simple night, but it turned out to be really cute! Each of our Young Women stood up to speak, as they did I felt the Holy Ghost so prevalent from their words. They are a shining light for their generation. There is no comparison to those kinds of spiritual moments as a leader. It was a great night, one that I am proud to be apart of!

I left my camera at home accidentally, sorry for the crummy cell phone quality.

-I bought tickets to Justin Bieber's PURPOSE tour. Okay, hear me out! JB's new music has been hitting the spot recently (see: Where Are You Now, Sorry, What Do You Mean), it's been very, very good for his career I'm sure. He's kind of making the transition from annoying teenager to successful adult (that's still a jerk). Regardless, I'm going in June with my sister as a companion- Graham would rather have his eyes jabbed with toothpicks- to the Jacksonville arena and we are gonna JAM. Oh and fun fact, when JB first came out Listi was a  love-struck 14 year old. She would listen to him relentlessly, since we shared a room I hated his everlasting guts because I couldn't stand the continual loop. At one point, she was so devoted to him that she proved it by deleting EVERY OTHER SONG besides his album! A hundred other songs, lost at the bay of insanity. That's still hilarious to me.

-Prepping for Thanksgiving! I have to say, I've really stepped into my cooking shoes. I have grown to enjoy making meals for Graham and I, it is fulfilling to enjoy something from my own hand (insert bashful emoji). But, huge Achilles heel here, I despise cooking for others! Now when the missionaries come I feel like they aren't too judgmental, so they're okay, but cooking for friends or families gives me anxiety out the ying- yang. If this holiday wasn't all about the food it wouldn't be so bad! But since it is, I'll dread it until it's over with. I'm just weird like that.

-We were gifted a table and dryer! Here's the back story on those... Whenever we were just about to get married Graham bought several $100 giftcards from Rooms to Go (there was a special, buy one, get $100 free! It couldn't of been one bit better for newlyweds.) He purchased our pull- out couch, that we are both obsessed with, and our table. We moved in, the furniture was delivered and my sister-in-law and I assembled the table. This table was the tiniest, 4 people would have to squeeze, most inconvenient for hosting guests. It also was exceptionally tall, but we went with it. There wasn't really enough problems to warrant getting a new one, so for the past 30 months we have persevered. And the dryer. The dryer. THE DRYER. A girl needs a dryer, unless they have access to an outside hanging line, right? Ours was a handmedown from my Uncle, which was great, and it worked just fine. After a year and a half of steady use it began to screech LOUDLY. If it was running we couldn't sleep, watch tv, be on the phone, and eventually we began to only let it run as we were leaving the house. The neighbors began to complain that they could hear it, even the ones across the hall, so we quit using it. We had big plans to grab a new one but never got around to it, plus we didn't have any way to transport it. Instead, our clothes were hung out to dry on our tiny table for 11 months, meaning they were wrinkly and I could only wash one load per day. Now that we have our table and dryer, we feel like we're living it big! Life's a pleasure! I am so happy for these modern day conveniences.

-I've been doing a great deal of cleaning around this apartment. I'm so serious, these Lysol Disinfectant Wipes make cleaning certain things very simple. My next job is to tackle the "guest bedroom" which is half nursery, half storage room. Bringing in all these new pieces in my home has further inspired me to keep it in mint condition. And as soon as I had the kitchen sparkling, I decided to make Snickerdoodle Popcorn. which was a gigantic mess, but a delicious choice :)

-My niece is currently sick with a cold, but here is a picture of her being the sweetest! This is her "I'm about to get into everything" face. She is as curious and brave as the day is long. She enjoys crawling and standing in the most perilous places. She wants to eat everything in sight (when she isn't sick) and tries a bit of all my meals. This little girl, with her current Rudolph nose, brings a smile to my face. I love this Auntie gig.

My Take on the Refugees as a Christian

    I've thought an awful lot about what I want to say. The older I get the more I can see a big divide between people's way of thinking. There are so many opinions, a variety of approaches to those opinions and the only way to know who is right to use hindsight after the fact.
    As I recall every member of the Islamic faith I've ever known, I can only reflect on them with fondness. They hold as strongly to their values as I do. They want to love and help the world. They are normal and good and not worthy of the negativity that is being heaped upon them.
    I can't get the recent bits of hatred, terrorism and innocence out of my head. My heart hurts for France and their suffering. My heart hurts for Syrian refugees, and all those who didn't wish this to occur, yet will feel the inevitable backlash. My heart hurts for every single guiltless person who will endure pain throughout this time of turmoil. The world we are living is full of such deep rooted pain for many people.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/syrian-refugee-photos_564a319ee4b045bf3df04d49?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000013&section=politics

    I read a brief article that showed this picture of this tiny boy left in war-torn Syria. It haunts me. It brings chills over my body. I look at those big brown sad eyes. This photo was mixed in with others that showed children sitting on tanks, men standing on what once was tall apartment, dead bodies wrapped in sheets laying on the street to be identified. But this baby who just happened to be born in a tumultuous time, who had no say-so over the conditions of his birth, who can't escape alone- he sticks with me. How can I forget this small boy, with his dirty face, who has seen more graphic, horrific things than many 20 times his age?
    I can't and I don't want to. His life is important. Instead, I want to help him. I prayed so fervently last night that he and his family would be safe. That their country would win over the reign of hatred, that ISIS wickedness would stop being projected over the world. Then I thought, it's possible that he isn't even alive right now, that these prayers are fruitless. How horrific, but that's honest.
    I am angry/frustrated/livid that a few Extremists are doing things that create hardships for all Muslims- most of who don't feel the same way. Who despise what they're doing in religion's name. Who hope they'll stop causing persecution for them. That need help and don't wish harm on anyone. In the end, the world's hatred towards Islam is what can help propel them to go to these crazies, under the false pretenses that they're the only ones who care for them. What a shame.
    So what should we do? I don't have all the correct answers alone. American citizen's don't. Politicians don't. That's why our votes and our voices matter so much, so that we can come together with viable solutions.
    These refugees with their shattered lives, who I'm sure would rather stay in their countries in different circumstances, are suffering greatly. They have been/will continue to be turned away from so many places because of radicals they don't agree with because, there isn't time to really sift through who is dangerous and who isn't. I have tried to think of the options: If we don't help they're stuck in a horrendous, disgusting situation. Innocent people will die, their country (and maybe others) will be destroyed, they innocent will never realize what compassion, gentleness and love is from Christian people. If we do help then we're seen as aiding terrorism. People will say that we're forgetting our own, that it isn't our job, that we're giving assistance to people who could hurt America later.
    Is it possible to aid everyone? To help our homeless, our veterans, the lower class and these poor impoverished refugees who are safe? How can we do this? Why wouldn't our country do this? I want to do this!
    I think of Jesus Christ, a man who truly was perfect. A man who loved the meek, the faithful, the sinners alike. And I pray so hard that things will ease up and that our leaders will know what to do. That if I can help, I will be able to take courage and do so. I ask that everyone join me in this, it's devastating for everyone.
   

Sufjan Stevens//Hollywood Studios

    Well, guess what, I've done it. I finally managed to beat my blogging rut. For the past two years I have managed to pound out exactly 66 articles per year. This is my 67th! Yay for Meeeeee. Now prepare to read about what happened to me last weekend (Nov 6&7)

    Back in July we bought tickets to a concert with my fav Sister and Brother in Law, to see a Mr. Sufjan Stevens. This past Friday G and I cruised down there, showing up right before it got started. We had the best time, especially since not one person sang when he performed, which was a first for me. It was very intriguing set of songs, his voice was so melodic and, boy, was it a good show! And at the end he joined with the opening performer, Gallant, where they joined together in singing HOTLINE BLING with Drake's photo in the backdrop. Glorious!

    The next day Graham and I did the usual, Disney World :) We spent the day at Hollywood Studios. While walking around, I finally saw the mouse ears with added names and we picked it up. (Note to all Disney friends- it wasn't the least bit aggravating! I completely forgot about it once I put it on.) We really had a great time playing the photographer gig towards each other, notice photos below. At lunchtime we went over to Epcot for the last visit of ours of the Food and Wine Festival. We ate at Hawaii, Ireland, Belgium, New Zealand and Mexico. Then back to ride roller coasters in Hollywood! We meandered around to enjoy the time we had before dark. As soon as it became so, we went to see the Dancing Lights. We always enjoy going to see, hear and feel the artificial snow. It's really fantastic. I have a little video that I might post later to show anyone who hasn't seen it. Disney is the best place to be at near the holidays!

    We left the park by 7pm, looked like a heroin addict as I gave myself a shot in the parking lot, dropped by the OG for a bit of whole wheat pasta and made it home before too late. Loooooove times when it's just me and my boy.

November Mid-Month Update

    When I'm feeling my most down/sad/emotional, I enjoy writing to keep my mind from dwelling on the issue fruitlessly. And I dwell a great deal, so it's good for me. I've let everyone know that we were having our first IUI this month. It's really been quite thrilling to anticipate a new change, but I've tried to counter that we (I) must prepare for the worst.
    They definitely didn't go super smoothly this month. Every morning I've felt like a pill popper as I take 3 Vitamin D's, 1 Aspirin, 1 Prenatal and 2 multivitamins. That isn't very serious, so I've tried not to think about it and kept up with my dosage. We did everything else normal, with a curbed diet tacked on.
    Last Friday was the first of my monitoring ultrasounds, 1 follicle (which holds the eventual egg) was dominate, though small (6 or 7 millimeters, when they need about 15-20) yet we were early so that was fine. That evening I began my evening ritual of mixing my follicle- stimulating medication and giving myself a shot in the stomach, this lasted for one week. Okay friends, please realize that I have serious anxiety towards needles. After I overcame my own self-doubt about administering education, I realized that I would have heavy cramping through the rest of the night, thanks to the medicine. But onward ho!
    This Monday I was back at the RE. I was very upset to hear that my follicles did not develop- at all. Each follicle was at the sme size they were on Friday, despite the medicine. At this stage in the game, they should be adding +2 millimeters per day. Additionally there was fluid around my uterus, indicating early-onset ovulation. All day I waited by the phone, miserable with worry that things had went awry. Finally at 5pm I received a call that our plan was still in motion, I had not ovulated luckily, though it would be very delayed.
    Tuesday rolled around and I felt disappointed, this was the day of my estimated IUI. I wished we could have stayed on schedule, when my phone's reminder beeped over and over but realized that things are hardly ever happen that way! My tiny little follicles needed lots of expanding before my body was ready. A friend dropped off beautiful flowers and a card- it was so needed and so welcomed. Thanks, Molly- I appreciate it so much!
    Another morning appointment came Wednesday. This time I received very different news- my body was producing follicles! Lots of them, even. There were several developing, with the dominate one being at 13mm. However, as she checked around there were 7 others growing quickly behind. This was not ideal. Generally, before ovulation 1 or 2 eggs will take the lead in size as the remainders trickle off. I was asked to cut my shot dosage in half to encourage them to slow down in growth. The best news was that we were running, relatively, on course.
   Today (Friday), I returned for my 4th ultrasound in 7 days! This time I wondered what my body would show. I relayed to the doctor how Thursday at lunch until I fell asleep there was intense cramping near the left ovary (which could mean a few things). My doctor pulled up the images of my follicles and W O W. There were multitudes of follicles: a few 18's, 15's, 14's, 13's- 11 mature follicles. A quick sweep showed 30 in total.
    Too many. Far, far too many. If we were to try natural conception or an IUI we might end up with an overwhelming pregnancy of multiples. If more than 3 were to take, it could result in terminations of one or more babies, but also prove to be an extremely big challenge to my body. A chance that I knew we couldn't take, even before my Doctor said so. As she shook her head and listed off options, I tried to swallow my tears and save face.

1) Do nothing and await for a natural period to begin afresh. Since my overwhelming number of follicles, we would need to wait for a longer process as they left my body. Then come back in a month to regroup.
2) Follicular Reduction. A quick surgery that allows for a suction to enter the uterus to retrieve all eggs, but one to two. Trash the remaining follicles, then continue with an IUI.
3) IVF Conversion. This would completely forget the original plan. We would go in for a egg retrieval, have all of them removed and added to a laboratory. They would be artificially fertilized then transferred back into me. There would be a great deal of added medicine and price tag.

    Oh, and I needed to decide in the next 4 hours. Argh! It was too fast! I had blood work drawn immediately to see if I had started ovulation naturally. If I did, we would only be left with option 1, otherwise we had a choice. My body is always a few days behind (look at my follicle growth for instance) so I doubted that would be an issue. So that was sent to the lab and I called Graham so we could reassess and conclude together.
    #1 was almost immediately cancelled out- what's the point of waiting when we switch from paying 20% to the full 100% in 6 weeks? It was crunch time and no one wants to deal with that. #2 was more feasible. We could still continue on, but at the back of my mind I kept thinking about all of my genetic material that I worked so hard to develop, just tossed in the trash. My coordinator said the success rates weren't that great, so I decided I didn't want to do that. #3 was the only one left. This option intimidated me, it was almost too overwhelming. Just last weekend I told Graham how I could picture us doing IVF more easily now, that at the beginning of this year, but I still wasn't prepared for all it entailed. As my doctor gave her professional opinion that this would be the best for me, I felt more and more at ease. I felt peace about this decision. I felt encouraged.
    We also began to discuss my ovaries. The rapid swelling was semi-normal because of the medication, but the cramping shouldn't be too extreme. I particularly have to weigh myself for the next few days to check for large amount of fluid. If that happens I would be a good candidate for the dreaded Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). I have to avoid exercise, lifting, jumping, all that good stuff until I'm positive that I don't have it. Please say a prayer that won't happen to me!I have a very low amount of stimulating right now- it still hurts! Let alone intense pain. :(
    So my doctor and I set up a tentative schedule for us to convert our IUI into IVF. I was given extra medication, retrieval/transfer dates, consent forms to sign and a promise that they would call with my blood work very soon. I wasn't out of the woods yet.
    I left feeling extremely optimistic! Our week has been incredibly tense, but we still had the possibility to turn it around. I called Graham again and we talked a great deal about the entire situation. IVF. A big, scary route but one that also invoked greater possibilities for us. How amazing is it to feel like things are turning around?

    Finally, my coordinator called me: I've started ovulating already.

    We can't do IUI. Or IVF. Or any more medicine. We can't fertilize my plethora of eggs, lest we end up with Lacey the Octomom. We just have to sit and wait for me to figure out if I'm going to wind up in the hospital with OHSS.
    I don't want to say I'm heartbroken. I don't want to feel like I'm complaining. But it does feel like a blow. I meant it when I said that I felt better about this- I already told Graham that if we didn't get pregnant I would be okay this month. But I also feel like every single step has been undermined this month. We blew through hundreds of dollars in medicine and monitoring. I've taken pills and shots and ultrasounds and endured/enduring physical pain and prayed until I'm blue in the face. I'm trying to fulfill a righteous desire! Shouldn't this be easier? And why me? Why me...
    Yet, regardless of the why, it is me. I'm very sad right now and I'm going to try to have fun this weekend to forget it all. Maybe it really is time for a break. It's been a year of pumping hormonal medications into me- a year of excessive tears and stress and anger. And a break from it all would feel heaven-sent, honestly.
    I am okay. I don't need sympathy. I'll be better soon. However, I DO think I am going on a Facebook break soon, just delete it for a little while. I get too emotional looking at pregnancy announcements, beautiful newborns or parents who complain about their kids. Even having people ask me about babies and this process would just be too much. I just want to focus on me and Graham and the life that we lead together. It's actually quite lovely. I'm still very, very blessed. I'm taking it one month at a time. And there will be a point where I come home to our house with our baby- I just know it.

October in Georgia

Love my G!

    Prepare for a shocking statement: Believe it or not, infertility is not the only thing going on in my life these days. Yep, I know, you wouldn't think that by my most recent writings. But, it's true. And sometimes I feel like I'll throw up if I have to write that term once more, but please don't hate me if I do. Moving along!

    Friday night we went to our ward's Trunk or Treat. We ate queso and chili, decorated our trunk on behalf of the costumed children, helped run the donut-on-a-string game and showed off our gaudy costumes. It was great! The kids snatched all 5 bags of candy from us as they skipped off towards more people passing out variants of Skittles and Twix. It brought back many memories of a younger me, who lived for the sugar that came with this day of the year.

    The moment we were done, we left for my old home. Going to Georgia used to happen every 3rd weekend when we were newlyweds; it was just like clockwork. Then we were given callings, made friends or just became busy by other things required of us on the weekends, so it's trickled off a great deal. I still go home enough that I consider it frequent, but not so often that I don't always have a jam- packed schedule to see everyone. Last weekend was no different! 

    We spent the day roaming all over to see family, I visited my friend Nicole's parents, we met baby Xander for the first time, we went to Bentley's 1st birthday party, we helped my youngest cousins trick or treat. Doing all these things in 12 hours is exhausting! Especially when I kept thinking that we had to leave that evening to make it back to church. In order to check off the list, we truly were running things on a tight schedule. I have to remind myself that I look forward to all of the craziness :) 

    Going home is full of a slew of memories and emotions, after all I did spent 21 and a half years there. I still have to remember how I left there as a young adult without intentions of returning. It was so brave, a very huge feat for me! However, I love my Floridan home, it's forced me to become more self- reliant and to become my own person. But every once in a while I'll long for rural Georgia. For the place that I think I'll always call my true home.

Trunk or Treat

Daddy-o

Baby Xander!

Bentley Rose before the Cake Smash

Trick or Treating

Kellan despised wearing his wig! So Graham wore it for him (notice photo above)

October Update

    Yep. That's definitely me lately- ovary acting! I've been crying all over the place- on the tram outside of Disney World, watching the Food Network, hearing a familiar voice. It really did take me some time before I realized how fragile my hormones have been! My doctor has me on a upped version of hormonal birth control and my estrogen patches have been killing me. My body has taken a big toll with this past year's numerous, steady medications. So if you see tears falling down from my face, I'm fine, I've probably just read a really thoughtful tweet. Anyway.
     Recapping on October. I gotta say, I was very surprised that we didn't did pregnant this month. I know it's going to sound very superstitious, but the best things happen to me happen to me during this month! And I did mix that in with my high hopes, which is not a good combination, but I'm trying to quit. Of course, all of this is easier said than done. A friend who experienced infertility told me keep my mentality at 'preparing for the worst'. So if it doesn't work, it's easier to accept but if it does then what a great surprise.
    We had several changes in our normal procedure for the Sept-Oct cycle, which was exciting in itself! We were monitored more closely than ever before. Of course, it's obvious how that turned out (read more here.) And then after that post I briefly wrote up the biggest change, where I said that we will be having our first Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) in a few weeks. This is definitely the highlight of all the news I heard from the past month! 
    I can not emphasis how at peace I feel right this moment. For the first time since we've began this journey, I just feel like I'm going to breathe and continue to live my life.
     That last sentence sounds silly, huh? But I mean it. This past year has been a series of: should we renew this? should we buy these plane tickets for 6 months from now? should I buy this stroller? should we plan on moving for Graham's job or sticking around for my clinic? should I ride this roller coaster?
    While at times it was necessary to ponder/worry about some of these, it has been equally aggravating. Especially when I found out that it didn't matter what I did or didn't do because I wasn't expecting. And we have been withholding making so many decisions due to this. Ugh. I follow an Infertility Community on Instagram, which has been comforting when I've questioned why am I even doing this, and it has been so eye- opening. There are really two routes: (1) constantly stress over getting pregnant, sustaining a pregnancy, birth, a name, the right car seat, a crib, breastfeeding, the fourth trimester, and so forth or (2) accept it for what it is, but don't sacrifice my own life while waiting. Believe me when I say that it's not as easy as flipping a switch. It's almost exclusively a mental battle. But I finally feel ready to let it go (to the best of my abilities, my psychotic brain can't 100% give it up) and reallllly live my life.
    I want to have a baby, I do. I can't say that I haven't been discouraged from month to month, but I know it's a righteous desire. Yet, I can't completely give up every part of me and my little 2 person family in this long, drawn-out process. The best solution seems to be a give and take between me and baby-making. I'm going to throw in all my chips when it's showtime, but I also plan to take more breaks. Specifically I think we will take one after this month, I need some time for myself without this looming overhead.
     I mentioned holding off on some things, but we finally bit the bullet and purchased tickets to visit England in May. I know the logistics might not make sense to everyone, but I am trying to remember that I can't live on what-ifs. I can only let this Alexander duo keep doing the things that make us happiest :) So little baby A could come next year or the next or the next, but in the meantime? We'll see what we're up to.

What Scarlett and Rhett Taught Me

    Anyone out there who has ever read Gone with the Wind? When I was about a freshman in high school I read it for the very first time. The book was so great that I began to reread it the moment I finished it.

     Mostly I was captivated with Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler and their development as the story progressed. Scarlett's character was fascinating. (*Massive spoilers up ahead, if you don't want to read them, plz escort yourself off this blog post.*) In ways she was similar to me: a Southerner of Irish decent but even moreso, I was intrigued by how different she was. This woman was conniving, rude and willing to do anything to maintain the life she imagined she would have. But Rhett. Oh, Rhett. He was sturdy, passionate and without scruples. Rugged and handsome and always willing to help.
    In the story, Scarlett was a wealthy brat with a seventeen inch waist! I grew to admire and detest her unusual methods. She immediate blew off Rhett, a man with a firm interest in her, instead she married twice for spite and gain, all while her heart was set on her childhood crush Ashley. She forsook everything to be able to keep her beloved childhood land, Tara. Rhett often would come to her aid in times of her greatest trials. The Civil War was going on and heartache was all over the land. Her children suffered from not having an attentive parent who loved them, instead she was ripping down curtains to create a lush dress to wear to a ball. Eventually she married Rhett, though it was not for love, rather the large income he was receiving. He lavished her with many gifts, she had long forgone her haughtiness, but scorned him if he ever offered a kind word. She didn't understand the depths of his feelings for her, assuming it was a relationship of convenience. Eventually they had a darling daughter who he adored, as Scarlett turned him away while she pined for Ashley, he doted on her instead of his wife. The daughter's untimely death came to pass and Scarlett sought Ashley. Soon after, she realized that she didn't care for Ashley, only the idea of him. He would never understand her, never really love her for the type of woman she was. It dawned on her that her constant companion in everything had been Rhett.  He had cared for her when she was cruel, when all she had  was raw radishes to eat, when she had children from other men. Her eyes were opened to everything he had done for her. As she rushed back to their home, she realized how she had allowed all of these years to go by this way! When she saw him she threw herself into his arms, professing her love and offering apologies. (The romantic in me was waltzing on a cloud during this bit of the story. Sure, Scarlett was a huge jerk, but good old Rhett had loved her so deeply for so many years- he deserved to be reciprocated!) But, almost shockingly, Rhett pushed her away, finally able to do so with the sorrows and grief that he had borne for a long time. He let her know that it was too late- he simply didn't love her anymore. He offered his famous statement and left her. She was alone.

    I'll give you a moment to take it all in.... What a shame. I think of the moral of that story and it gets me so emotional. It's fiction, obviously, but how easy it is to do that in our own lives! When we don't see what's right in front of us, when we take people or things for granted... There can be sadness, embarrassment or loss when our eyes are opened.
    I write this because I know my blog has been a source of bitterness and sorrow in the past few months. I've written very bluntly about some of our issues. And as I recapped this story, I knew that I didn't want to be a Scarlett. Life isn't about our trials, but rather how we embrace them. I, for one, want to be grateful, to give thanks and to appreciate all that I have & all who surround me. And what a great time of year to be expressive over the best aspects of life!
    Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I'm thankful. Boy, oh, boy am I thankful for my life! I'm thankful for Graham and who he is. I'm thankful for our little cluttered home. I'm thankful that even when we are as down as can be I can rely on my own personal Savior. Heck, in ways I am even grateful for our infertility (though it just about kills me to say that). I'm thankful and I hope I'll always remember to be that way.