One year ago today, though on Thanksgiving, I spent most of the day without knowing that my life had inexplicably changed forever. That evening when I found out about everything, I could only ask why. I prayed with vigor and diligence but still felt empty- it just didn't add up. Everyone who loved her went through the motions of a funeral, a burial and adjusting to life after her death. I just couldn't (and sometimes still can't) understand it all.
About 6 months ago I woke up from a dream in serious, hard tears. The setting was probably the strangest part of the dream. Everyone had business clothes, there were cubicles all around with a skyview outside the window. I was standing around without a reason, waiting maybe? Then I saw my Nicole walking towards me. In my dream I recognized that she had already passed away. I burst into crocodile tears and ran to her. I hugged her for what could have been an eternity while letting my emotions spill out. She was smiling so brightly, she had a sense of light around her. She brought me peace as she said, "Lacey, I'm okay! I'm okay!" Her warmth spread towards me as I understood the meaning behind her simple words: She was okay. When I woke up, though I didn't have answers, I knew that the dream was more than a coincidence.
This past year has been really hard for me, especially when I tie in the mourning. I haven't written too much about it because it's not my way of grieving. I do it more when I'm alone lost my thoughts or when surrounded with our mutual friends. It's one of the hardest things to keep going after someone you love passes. She was undoubtedly the closest person to me that I've experienced losing. Even to use the term 'hard' just isn't strong enough- there are countless emotions that come with loss, something I didn't realize. I feel guilt that she isn't here to continue growing up, while I am. I feel sorrowful for her family and friends who are constantly reminded by her memories but can never have her presence again. I feel happy that we did have great memories that I can use when I'm at my lowest. I feel angry knowing that she didn't deserve to have her life cut short. I think about these, but it always comes back to my dream: I feel confident that she IS OKAY where she is now.
Yesterday Graham and I dropped by for her candlelight vigil held at her grave site. Let me start by saying that she truly has the most beautiful set up of anyone I've ever seen, it just fits her. There is a little bench that I sat on as I held my candle, watching the tiny flame flicker back and forth. I conjured up our best memories and offered a prayer of immense gratitude that I was apart of her life for many years. I prayed for solace for everyone on the following difficult days that will inevitably come this next year. I pondered a moment longer on why the Lord chooses specific people to come back earlier than others. I packed my candle in the car and drove towards home. I was recapping my dream to Graham and shared some of my questions with him. We turned onto the main road and chills shot up my spin. A vibrant rainbow was in the sky, directly over her memorial service. It was overwhelming. Calling that a coincidence just wouldn't be right. I think it was a sign, whether from her or God himself. It was another stamp that she would always be with us, that she would never leave as long as our memories held and that she really is in a better place. I hope to never forget the serenity I felt in that moment.
Nicole was such a beautiful, energetic, special friend. She was truly the epitome of fun! I miss that so much. When I was searching for pictures, I realized that we listed each other as sisters on Facebook; her, Miranda and I loved each other as if we were so. There have been countless times where I've longed to ask her a question, to hear about her life, to meet up and talk about the years of craziness we shared- I doubt that will ever stop. I will always cherish and honor our time together, but I'll keep on missing her just the same.
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