I say going through the process of infertility is a roller coaster- please don't hate me for being repetitive. It's just been such a mess. And there is a good chance it's not easy to understand it, *sigh*. So, let me get you up to speed.
We took 2 months off for traveling purposes, when we came back in July my Clinic suggested beginning with a low medicated natural cycle. I agreed that this seemed ideal, a nice way to dip back into it by using the basics. To simplify as much as possible the rundown is: I take birth control for 2 weeks, when it ends I begin a cycle, around Day 5 I take several Letrozole tablets which helps to stimulate my inactive follicles and then the monitoring begins about Cycle Day 12 on every other day until my follicle gets to the big enough size for me to get a shot to force ovulation.
Just to clarify here: a follicle is an outer shell casing for an egg, it needs to be sized at 18-22mm to ideally be triggered, then I ovulate, it sticks to a thick uterine lining, then the follicle spouts off an egg at some point and, if the stars are aligned, it can become a fertilized embryo and begin the process of making a human child! Ok, still following me? That's the gist of the science behind it.
Well, enough generalizations and back to the Mysterious Body of Lacey. My first ultrasound was last Monday, followed by that same Wednesday, I was scheduled for Friday but had to leave town for a funeral, then came back for one on Monday, trekked up there again on Wednesday and I have one for tomorrow on Friday :) Two of those appointments I had to stay later for blood draws. (And imagine if I wasn't on summer vacation still! It'd be impossible to work and be present for all the days they expect for me to be in.) Usually it's closer to 3 U/S in a natural or IUI cycle, but, and this is why I'm here to explain about my week!
Despite 18 months of actively trying, we are still trying to learn HOW my body responds; it's a never ending story. Every month we have had some type of bizarre results that makes it hard to nail down what needs to happen correctly. This month did not go as planned. By my 2nd U/S, last Wednesday, my two dominant follicles were at an 11 (decent for that current date), I was asked to come in on the following Monday with my ovulation kick starter shot. I showed up on Monday, bright and early with my meds in tow, just to learn that one follicle shrunk and the other was stagnant- STILL at an 11mm. 5 days which should have been plenty for it get to the right size didn't invoke anything! Then they debated if I naturally ovulated, fluid was present when it shouldn't of been, which if so means we have to cancel the cycle, since my follicle wasn't big enough to produce an egg. I felt slightly crushed but I tried to shake it off, I feel disappointment in that office pretty frequently. What gets me is how composed I am until I make the phone call to Graham- seriously EVERY time I burst into tears in the clinic! I guess I just feel like I can truly act how I'm feeling and I know he will accept it at this point ;) Followed shortly by the walk of shame to the front office to make my next appointment with red eyes and a voice with a catch, woops.
For some reason or other I was asked to come back on Wednesday for more monitoring, just in case. A blood draw told that I hadn't ovulated, which was good news. At the next U/S the little follicle that could grew to 14mm! So after 5 days of no growth, it suddently spawned an addition 3mm? Everyone is trying to understand it. So things are, potentially, back on track? It's just hard to say because it's just not an exact science. Raising my hopes is also a sure problem, since it's like a coin toss up at this point. I'm left here to wonder if this month is another bust or if I can hang on to hope that we could be 1 step closer to a real baby? Should we go forward with another IUI or skip to IVF, like some have suggested. It's been indescribably hard to know what to do for the future. Us not being able to have a baby has affected our decisions for moving (how will I find a new clinic? will I have to retest for different things? will we be starting from scratch?) and home-owning (should we buy a house if no kids are in sight? do we need a certain amount of bedrooms? how do we know if this is child-friendly without a child to test it with?) We have explored other options and paid close attention to them, but we just aren't quite there yet in our lives- I can't give up on the fact that I want to literally create a tiny human. Having a real family of our own is so important to us and we are trying to give it the amount of time it requires but to keep living our lives in the meantime- it's a very rough balance. Additionally, a huge strain on a marriage/relationships/friendships because of the emotional, physical and psychological effects. And who knows the answers? It certainly isn't us. I want to be hopeful but I find myself trying to be realistic with the possibilities of our situations. I'll find out more news tomorrow, for sure. It's so incredibly hectic!
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