THE GUILT
I'm struck a single year's difference. On this holiday in 2017 I felt more morose than ever before, having suffered a devastating loss in the months' prior and a recent failure with another IVF cycle. My hormones raged as the medications tried to leave my body- there was so much anger and sadness. I felt justified by dwelling amidst the sorrow. I hated that there were others who were lucky enough to snuggle a baby while I tried everything and felt shot down. I felt so devastated. My heart wept as the day designated to celebrate Motherhood arose.
I skipped church that day just as I did in the years' prior, following a fiasco in Sacrament where I was gifted something meant for Mothers. Turns out it was supposed to make sure those like me, childless, were included but it ostracized anyway. I tried to return it to the giver but they asked me to keep it; I did. Immediately afterward, I felt worried and stressed that others may see me clutching something that wasn't meant for me.
That same sick feeling I have now. I hurt for the people that dread this holiday. I have shared how guilty I felt whilst pregnant, and certainly since having the babies join us physically, and believe me this is still felt often. The bond I've shared with many of you over this sensitive issue has kept me going in tough times, knowing we stood shoulder to shoulder. Writing out my struggles as you messaged me with your own story, or being pulled aside as you confided your personal journey directly to me. I was shocked to learn how bonding the experience would be. And so, I worry that this will feel more isolating, more painful. I find the greatest guilt in thinking this.
This isn't meant to take away from my children, because they have engulfed my life in an indescribable way. But I remember the pain this day can bring. The sadness of having to hope next year will be different, that your time must be coming soon. And so you wait, which is agonizing. I know it. Please know that I strive to educate others, to teach compassion to those who can't comprehend the grief and hope to see the day when it will be over for each of you. I pray for my friends or family members who wait for their children. I want it for you, desperately. I know how all encompassing it can be. I hope you all find the answers for what to do for your own family.
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THE EUPHORIA
I look to my kids and remember when I would bitterly wish that I, Lacey, being a good person, could have a child of my very own. I felt that I was deserving. I laugh at this now, knowing that I could have never in all my life been good enough to receive these two absolute darlings, but somehow they came to me and I must sing praises.
In the early morning, when they have finally awoken, I throw both of them in bed beside me to snuggle. It's when they are happiest. They are beginning to socially smile and seek to have me beside them, and here is where it's the most abundant. We usually do this for at least an hour, because it's hard to tear away from that. I wonder- where had I found any joy before I had them in my life?
I hold each baby with the purpose of studying them. My daughter has one ear that sticks out twice as far as the other. My son has an outie belly button. My daughter smiles so wide her gums give the appearance of teeth. My son stretches for minutes at a time. My daughter holds my finger with the tightest grip, as if she would be devastated if I released it. My son will cry if someone else is holding him when he feels upset, then instantly settle when I hug him towards me. They are so unique from one another. As I learn their quirks, I want to soak in every single moment of both of them.
They have made me a Mama. They allow me to glimpse into the all-abundant love that has been present for eternity among mother-to-child. It's mesmerizing to see two crying babies silenced as they listen to me sing (of all things!) the lyrics I've invented just for them. They get bright-eyed and a teeny bit giggly as I chuck them under the chin. They like nothing more than for me to place them both on my chest for an afternoon nap. When nursing they love to curl up as close as possible, laying an open hand on me, as if to show ownership. They will look into my eyes and I know that there is an a link between us. A connection that surpasses all I've ever known.
I'm so happy for every tough moment I experienced before them, because it's allowed me to appreciate them all the more. They have given me the delight that I always knew they would. That's greatly due to their offering me the most pure love and devotion. They have me unashamedly enamored and craving more, more, more. In my fervor, I hold them each saying, 'How can you possibly be mine?' a few times each day. It doesn't make sense that God would entrust me with these TWO special little people.
Amongst my important papers, lies a special one indicating that they are 'Children Born Under the Covenant.' This blessing, above all else, gives me the most overwhelming peace. They are always to be mine, despite anything else, these two belong to me. Life is bliss. I owe it all to them. Tad and Lucille, all of me loves all of you; I love being your Mother.
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