When people try to share what it's like to be a parent, they use all the wrong words. They say it's indescribable, then fill in the space with filler words to try to explain. It never seems to fit quite right. I'm going to try my hand at it.

What really happens is a new chamber of your heart is opened. It's a place you didn't know you were missing, because you didn't realize that it existed. It allows you to feel emotions with a greater intensity.

When you wait on the baby to make their arrival (and if you're like me and you wait and wait and wait) you spend so much time thinking about how much you'll care for it. You imagine how you'll run your house with that baby. You think about what you assume their physical features and personality will be like. You try to boost yourself up in whatever areas you lack to be as good as can be. You know what you'll never and always do with the baby.

Then they're born and everything you have planned is out the window. You're sent out of the hospital with a child that is so perfect, you're wondering how they can trust you not to screw it up- you don't want to even trust yourself. At home you stick to what you laid out in your mind that you must do for the baby. Your original plan doesn't work for the baby and you sacrifice it, without question, in a moment. You do whatever your baby wants, because it's not just some random infant but instead it is yours. And yours is special. But special isn't a grand enough word- how could such a simple term be- more like illuminating, cherished, remarkable, flat out superior in all sense of the word.

It's looking into the face of your child and the awe of it being YOURS. Like, actually your own prized possession, one just for you, and never to be taken away. The scary notion that if you fail, it means the baby will too. Only, you love that baby so much, so much, that you know you just won't let that happen. You push yourself to give more, more, more. You give so much that you lose some of your identity- you're only a parent now. It stings, because as much as you love parenthood you regret sliding back from things you worked hard to achieve. Then, you witness a miracle like your baby sleeping for ten hours or the first willing smile they offer to you and you forgive what it is you have to forfeit to do this job the way you want to; come to think of it...was it really a big deal anyway? What could ever compare to the reciprocated love they bring you? The time rushes by, between all of the hectic moments, and you wish you could pause the present while still pursuing the future.

The baby and you seek out the moments where you're together, laying close. They wiggle, in whichever method they can, to get by your side to feel your warmth. You've heard they recognize your scent and you question what you smell like to them. Knowing that you are so intrinsically wound up in each other's life, you grab them just to breathe in their own scent. You do your best to record it amongst your important memories.

Though there are far more overwhelmingly happy times, sometimes you can't help the stress. You catch your stride, you know exactly what you're doing, you confidently know you can parent. Then you meltdown when baby is melting down, when the house has been in a meltdown, and all you can see is sludge. You feel frustrated when you've met all of the baby's physical needs, yet it goes red in the face, going psychotic as they lay on the ground while you had the audacity to check something off your to-do list. Then you feel chastised. It pains you to remember how badly you wanted this moment. It all comes flooding back: the sadness, the longing, the empty void after a miscarriage. To-do list be damned, you snatch them up and gather them in. You love this baby so much. You want to soothe this baby, so you bounce gently, speak quietly and begin to lay out your hopes and dreams for them. You want them to have a marvelous childhood and to grow into a person to be proud of, although you know that will happen anyway. You tell them they are so extraordinarily wonderful, to please forgive you when you make mistakes. To know above all they are loved.

Day after day, though you love them more than you realized possible, you manage to add to that love. It comes with every bubble spit out, every time a baby wiggles a dimpled leg, every long eyelash bat in your direction. You wonder how can you possibly love them more, and then you simply do. It's a never ending story.

This baby is an extension of you- so it means endless searching for features, is that my eyebrow shape? that curved neck? what about that toe point? You want to find yourself in them, but you hope they will outshine you in every way. Their successes will be your successes. If they can call themselves happy, then you can do the same.

What's being a parent? There are so many things it can be. My own experience seems most like your heart being squeezed dry by the end of the night, like a sponge wrung totally out, cheerily exhausted from the exertion of loving two babies. And then starting anew once again when they wake.

I am so happy I can't express it correctly. I am so frantically exhausted at the end of each day from my many responsibilities. But I am so, so fulfilled with my new life. It's all I could have hoped for and more. I wonder if it can ever get better than this?

The Feeling of Being Torn

THE GUILT

    I'm struck a single year's difference. On this holiday in 2017 I felt more morose than ever before, having suffered a devastating loss in the months' prior and a recent failure with another IVF cycle. My hormones raged as the medications tried to leave my body- there was so much anger and sadness. I felt justified by dwelling amidst the sorrow. I hated that there were others who were lucky enough to snuggle a baby while I tried everything and felt shot down. I felt so devastated. My heart wept as the day designated to celebrate Motherhood arose.

     I skipped church that day just as I did in the years' prior, following a fiasco in Sacrament where I was gifted something meant for Mothers. Turns out it was supposed to make sure those like me, childless, were included but it ostracized anyway. I tried to return it to the giver but they asked me to keep it; I did. Immediately afterward, I felt worried and stressed that others may see me clutching something that wasn't meant for me.

    That same sick feeling I have now. I hurt for the people that dread this holiday. I have shared how guilty I felt whilst pregnant, and certainly since having the babies join us physically, and believe me this is still felt often. The bond I've shared with many of you over this sensitive issue has kept me going in tough times, knowing we stood shoulder to shoulder. Writing out my struggles as you messaged me with your own story, or being pulled aside as you confided your personal journey directly to me. I was shocked to learn how bonding the experience would be. And so, I worry that this will feel more isolating, more painful. I find the greatest guilt in thinking this.

    This isn't meant to take away from my children, because they have engulfed my life in an indescribable way. But I remember the pain this day can bring. The sadness of having to hope next year will be different, that your time must be coming soon. And so you wait, which is agonizing. I know it. Please know that I strive to educate others, to teach compassion to those who can't comprehend the grief and hope to see the day when it will be over for each of you. I pray for my friends or family members who wait for their children. I want it for you, desperately. I know how all encompassing it can be. I hope you all find the answers for what to do for your own family.

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THE EUPHORIA

    I look to my kids and remember when I would bitterly wish that I, Lacey, being a good person, could have a child of my very own. I felt that I was deserving. I laugh at this now, knowing that I could have never in all my life been good enough to receive these two absolute darlings, but somehow they came to me and I must sing praises.

    In the early morning, when they have finally awoken, I throw both of them in bed beside me to snuggle. It's when they are happiest. They are beginning to socially smile and seek to have me beside them, and here is where it's the most abundant. We usually do this for at least an hour, because it's hard to tear away from that. I wonder- where had I found any joy before I had them in my life?

    I hold each baby with the purpose of studying them. My daughter has one ear that sticks out twice as far as the other. My son has an outie belly button. My daughter smiles so wide her gums give the appearance of teeth. My son stretches for minutes at a time. My daughter holds my finger with the tightest grip, as if she would be devastated if I released it. My son will cry if someone else is holding him when he feels upset, then instantly settle when I hug him towards me. They are so unique from one another. As I learn their quirks, I want to soak in every single moment of both of them.

    They have made me a Mama. They allow me to glimpse into the all-abundant love that has been present for eternity among mother-to-child. It's mesmerizing to see two crying babies silenced as they listen to me sing (of all things!) the lyrics I've invented just for them. They get bright-eyed and a teeny bit giggly as I chuck them under the chin. They like nothing more than for me to place them both on my chest for an afternoon nap. When nursing they love to curl up as close as possible, laying an open hand on me, as if to show ownership. They will look into my eyes and I know that there is an a link between us. A connection that surpasses all I've ever known.

    I'm so happy for every tough moment I experienced before them, because it's allowed me to appreciate them all the more. They have given me the delight that I always knew they would. That's greatly due to their offering me the most pure love and devotion. They have me unashamedly enamored and craving more, more, more. In my fervor, I hold them each saying, 'How can you possibly be mine?' a few times each day. It doesn't make sense that God would entrust me with these TWO special little people.

    Amongst my important papers, lies a special one indicating that they are 'Children Born Under the Covenant.' This blessing, above all else, gives me the most overwhelming peace. They are always to be mine, despite anything else, these two belong to me. Life is bliss. I owe it all to them. Tad and Lucille, all of me loves all of you; I love being your Mother.

We're Moving!

Congratulations to Graham! 

    January was a big month for him, besides becoming a father he was also extended a new role in Human Resources with his company. I'm so proud of him! He has worked very hard for this to happen. He was able to work remotely for 3 weeks before beginning his paternity leave that he is currently on. As such, we will be moving in late April to Charlotte, North Carolina. We are sad to leave Jacksonville and the Florida weather but we know there are great things ahead for our family in NC. Heavenly Father allows doors to open when the time is right and we thank Him for that. Everything has fell into place, as haphazard as it might be. A whole new chapter is just about to begin... ; )

Two-Thirds done with Pregnancy!

    2/3 finished with this production! I'm in the middle stage of wearing ill-fitting nonmaterity items, currently rocking an outie belly button and having to go to the bathroom at least 15 times a day. As of today my babies will be here no later than 11 weeks and 5 days! Squealing over this! How on earth has this pregnancy raced by while the trying-to-get-pregnant stage seemed to last a lifetime? Despite a few aches or ailments, this has been an incredibly joyous time in my life filled with many things I hope to never forget. I've tried to not be overwhelming with sharing pregnancy facts/complaints/etc online (I easily could have driven you all crazy with details) but today there is a journal entry brewing for Future Me.

    I'm up 10 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. My total gain is a bit more considering I lost 8 pounds from sickness and lack of fatty fertility medications during my first trimester. But I'm not comfortable saying there is an 18 pound gain yet ;) At this point it seems like it's all in the correct places since I hadn't even noticed the excess until my OBGYN office put me on the scale! Also, I wish I would have measured the belly before I grew even an inch, because now I'm up to 41 inches round in the biggest part. 

    For clothing, I'm mainly in my original get up. I had several shirts that were loose and those paired with leggings are my go-to's at this point. Since the cold has came in I've realized that my over-sized sweaters are the perfect addition, even if my darling coats are pointless. I can fit in the legs of my pants without a worry but since I've been about 16 weeks I have had a real aversion to zipping them. Now, it's totally out of the question! A good friend recommended a belly band which is a piece of spandex-like fabric that goes over the zipper, which allows me to wear my blue jeans unzipped without showing everyone everything ;) I do have about 4 maternity shirts and 2 maternity pants but they just have an odd way about them. Occasionally I also add a belly support piece to help keep the weight from feeling so heavy in that area.

    All of the not-so-fun pregnancy symptoms I've always heard about include: bathroom runs, inability to sleep, stretch marks and physical exhaustion. I've had all of these, to some degree, at this point! In the past three weeks my bladder has felt so incredibly tiny! It's quite frustrating to know that I don't need to go, considering there I've been there within the past hour and a half, but if I don't I might risk an accident; it really cramps your style. One day I'm determined to write down how many visits I'm actually clocking. In regards to sleep I can easily go through the night without waking, but what I can't do is feel completely comfortable during the process. At night I use my pregnancy pillow (which makes me look like a loon if anyone was to see me since it's in the shape of a huge C but I pull it together like an O) because I have to use it between both legs and wedged under my belly. For the permanent side of things, I have dreaded stretch marks as if they were the bubonic plague! Well, that did nothing because I noticed them at 23 weeks along; I had Graham count them out this past week, I have 4 on one side and 2 on another. I'm currently oiling up nightly to see if I can possibly ward off more. All of this aside, my main complaint is the fact that I am drained of energy without doing much of anything! Walking up to my second story apartment leaves me to sit down on the couch panting. Lifting anything above five pounds makes me weak. Even after a day of relaxing I could still use more rest. After all the time I detested hearing pregnant people complain about pregnancy while I couldn't experience it, I finally understand that it's truly a difficult process sometimes, as great as the results will be! 

    Fun pregnancy symptoms I've always heard about include: feeling the baby move, everyone else's reaction to baby(ies), hormones galore. The best part is, by far, is the cute little kicks of my Baby Boy and Baby Girl. I was 19 weeks and 4 days when I noticed these occasional twinges, a bit like a little knee-jerk reaction, coming from my abdomen. After googling I was able to learn that I didn't need to worry about missing the fluttering feeling- because I was feeling my babies! The next day I put Graham's hand on the area where there was movement, suddenly he pulled back his hand and said, "Wait that tiny thing was a kick?" Cue tears from me for getting to share such a beautiful moment with the father of my children. They currently don't have such small movements- it's easy to identify them from the inside and outside. Due to positioning, I always feel movement in the same areas: Baby Boy always kicks the right side of my belly near my ribs (he also is super visible because he will ball up and push against my belly so I can feel most of him) and Baby Girl likes to humble me with kicks to the cervix (and she's wedged kind of beneath him so I only see her movements towards the lower abdomen if she changes positions), and yes it is very uncomfortable. Another great thing is how special I feel from other people knowing about the babies. I've had my belly rubbed, been asked about specifics from strangers and get to feel the excitement from those around me. Often I think I look and feel run- down, no wonderful pregnancy goddess for me, but then someone will often give a compliment to boost me up. A big part of me thinks it's a time that everyone appreciates and tries to make it a good experience. Thanks so much for that everyone- it's needed! Now there sure is a great rush of hormones for this pregnant gal. Keep in mind, I've been pumped full of them for the past three years, so this may not be much of a change to anyone but I certainly feel it moreso now. Anything to do with a parent's relationship with their child, a surprise in any form or the thought of a new baby is enough to bring on the waterworks.

     I recently had THE most 'I'm Obviously Pregnant' experience at 25 weeks; I'm almost embarrassed to share it! One evening Graham called to see what did I want for him to bring home for supper- I was craving something healthy and he wanted a sandwich. We picked a place and I scoured the menu online, finally I told him to order me a huge plate of fruit- then I noticed that it was more expensive than getting half a sandwich and a cup of fruit, so I conceded that would be the best option to get some variety. My bizarre half-crazed pregnant mind was over-joyed with the idea of fresh fruit- it's something I always find myself wanting (not any of those weird cravings I always heard about). Graham pulled up, began dispersing the food and I noticed... he didn't have my fruit... The beloved fruit I had envisioned was ordered but the restaurant made a mistake and didn't pack it. I looked down at my tiny half- sandwich and realized it was an awful substitute for what I really wanted. Then Graham popped the lid off his own side, vegetable medley, and asked me if I wanted it. As this foul aroma of broccoli hit my nostrils tears welled up in my eyes and I had to leave the room. I had a real hard cry in the bathroom for at least five minutes, all the while feeling like I was an idiot and knowing I was being dramatic. Finally, I gathered the strength to go back to my husband who was totally bewildered at what was going on. As soon as I got out there I was able to play it cool until Graham asked what was up then I told him, "I'm just so disappointed about not having my fruit" and once again had another good cry while Graham burst out laughing at the frivolity of it all. It took about ten minutes for me to calm down all together, but BOY did I want some fruit! Luckily for me, my husband understood the necessity of having what I desired and he left just to bring me a bounty of apples, grapes and pineapple. 

    Currently, my babies are getting long and fat! My last appointment showed that Baby Boy, at 26 weeks, was weighing in at 1 lb, 15 oz, this puts him into the 51st percentile for weight! My Baby Girl, at 26 weeks, was weighing in at 1 lb, 13 oz, which puts her in the 41st percentile. They are both around 14 inches long. My sonographer told me that that is pretty accurate, but it will decrease as they get larger and too difficult to measure. It's hard to believe that they were once, and not all that long ago, the size of poppy seeds. I'm proud of them! Because of my experiences I held my breath until I was at 24 weeks along when it was medically possible to intervene to save their lives if I was to go into early labor. Now that I'm 27 weeks I feel like I can breath- there is an 80% rate that they would be fine, which will jump up as I continue to carry them closer to term. They just need to fatten up even more and work on their organ development. Go, babies, go! 

    All in all, I wake up every single day astonished that my body is capable of carrying a son and a daughter to join my family. Seeing the bump that has taken over my body is always a jolt to remind me that I'm not dreaming. At times I can't stand the physical ailments that come with pregnancy, if I was to be honest, but I never ever ever forget that this is my own miracle. These little babies were hand picked just for me! I'm counting down until they get to come home. My love for them doesn't seem to fit into words. 

    Profile shots! The top is Baby Girl, the bottom is Baby Boy.

St. Louis Pt. I

    Graham and I love traveling, if you're a friend of ours or a reader of the blog you know that already! This year we have been to a couple different places on varying trips, but we try to go on a "big trip" annually. Initially we had plans to look internationally as we strive to check off our bucket list. However, I fell pregnant and had some minor related health issues come up, at the behest of my Doctor we decided to nix those plans and keep it domestic. Not to mention that I didn't have the mental capacity or clarity to pull off all of the legwork that goes into an incredibly ambitious trip. ;)

    We tossed around a few ideas like New Orleans, San Diego or St. Louis. I began to look into things to see, prices for plane tickets and hotels. Graham found round-trip flights for $120 a pop, and directly afterwards I stumbled upon a Hotwire deal for a 4-star hotel for $50 a night. This happened to overlap with Labor Day and G was able to swing a few extra days off during this time. It ended up working hand-in-hand with our budget and that was the deciding factor- so St. Louis, Missouri it was!

     One of my best friends, Nicole, grew up in the city and always had lots to say about her hometown. However, besides the big Arch we knew next to nothing about it! This allowed for me to plunge into seeing what the city had to offer. I was quite surprised to see that there was a great deal to see, do and enjoy. Likewise, we booked the cheap tickets we found and scored the hotel we wanted. After booking, since it's all done without knowing which hotel you're getting (only the rating and price are shown), it ended up being the Westin! This swanky place was located next to the Metro that directly faced the Cardinals stadium in Ballpark Village; it was perfect. 

    It's important to note that during this trip I began at 12 weeks pregnant (turning 13 weeks over the duration of the trip). While I can't complain much over my pregnancy as my children are very important to me, I can say that this element brought about a funky situation. My nausea had certainly not subsided and there were times when I just had to walk to a secluded area to be sick ;) At other times after walking seven miles one day I felt as if I couldn't take another step so Graham had to borrow a wheelchair from a museum to push me around. There also was a bag of snacks that we had to routinely eat, cause Mama wants to pass out otherwise. I felt extremely grateful that we didn't leave the country since I couldn't imagine how I would have handled it. I bow down to all traveling pregnant women!

    We flew into the airport and immediately boarded the Metro in St. Louis after buying a week's long pass (we never stay anywhere that long, but it's always cheapest). Luckily, everywhere we wanted to visit was within a half mile from the Metro or from our hotel- with the except of one place which I'll mention later. The outskirts of the city seemed just like every other urban location- tons of run down buildings and graffiti. A small part of me questioned the city until we got to our stop- was this a good place? would we enjoy it? is everything this sketchy looking? Once there it was evident that we were staying in the most lux area, which felt safe and fun and in a good proximity to everything. 

    After checking into our hotel- which had a direct view of the stadium, the Arch and the Village- we dropped our luggage to get the party started! First on our list was the highly rated City Garden. This was a beautiful outdoor park filled with local artists' work using all kinda of mediums. They had many sculptures meant to be climbed upon and we conceded. There was gorgeous water spouts, waterfalls and a cute little pool- I couldn't help but think what a fun area it would be for toddlers on a hot summer day. Besides the artwork and water works, there was darling gardens filled with blooming flowers! Each of these aspects, including the wonderful weather, make us want to spent a great deal of time taking pictures and simply enjoying the neighborhood.

    Then we moseyed further east towards the river to the Old Courthouse. This was exactly what image the title should bring to mind: a historic courthouse. Inside there was an exhibition over the history of slavery in the city of St. Louis. It was fascinating to read about Dred Scott, whose court case was presented in this building. There was also court rooms kept in their original conditions which could be seen and photographed. Extravagantly long American flags hung all over the building- further letting it be known of their patriotism. As a final spot, we were told to stand in the center of the hall where a natural microphone stood in place. The moment either of us would speak the echos would overwhelm and shock the speaker! It was so interesting. Don't worry, every photo taken made us look crazed, so I included one.

    Up next was the Graham's favorite thing while we visited. I wanted us to see the Archway, but after researching online the general consensus said that (1) the area is questionable at night and (2) to visit the top requires a tight space in a small elevator, not good for claustrophobia. Anyone familiar with me should know the first reason eliminated my desire and anyone familiar with Graham will know the second reason eliminated his own. So I went back to the drawing board where I managed to find an alternative suggestion that said to visit Restaurant 360, located on the 27th upper deck of the Hilton building. This building was centrally located with views of the River, the Arch, Downtown and the Stadium. We completely fell in love with it! We sipped on fancy drinks while taking turns to walk to different sides of the building to enjoy each of the scenes. The sun set and everything was just as pretty when lit up for the evening. Graham, who loves all things fancy and good views, was in hog heaven. He drank through at least 5 drinks before we finally picked an entree. The nightlife was very accurately presented here- fun, brash and swanky without trying hard. 

     After such a long day we turned into the hotel. Early the next morning we ate breakfast at a local eatery recommended to us- Rooster's! It was a series of crepes and omelets while drinking out of mason jars. The delicious foods kept rolling the entire time.

    Our first tourist spot was going to be inside Forrest Park. This enormous open park is twice the size of Central Park, filled with museums, walkways and gorgeous scenery. What made this area so much nicer was the fact that every building inside the Park was free. We decided to visit the highly recommended St. Louis Zoo to start our day off with a bang. The Zoo was kept up very well, stocked with fun exhibits and cute animals. Our favorite parts included the penguins, who had an Arctic walk through that left me shivering, the seals, who had a multi-dimensional viewing area as they raced by, and the butterfly house, which has a plethora of colorful-winged insects everywhere. It was a very large space that housed a great collection of animals, so big that by the time we worked our way around we ran into an awesome community event for a free concert. The gates were flooded as families walked in with blankets and camp chairs while some blue grass band picked banjos on the stage. Graham and I both agreed it wouldn't be something we would imagine getting a lot of hype back home. 

    Our first day and a half of St. Louis was in the books!

     

Microphone!

 Trying my best to navigate us ;)