Graham and I love traveling, if you're a friend of ours or a reader of the blog you know that already! This year we have been to a couple different places on varying trips, but we try to go on a "big trip" annually. Initially we had plans to look internationally as we strive to check off our bucket list. However, I fell pregnant and had some minor related health issues come up, at the behest of my Doctor we decided to nix those plans and keep it domestic. Not to mention that I didn't have the mental capacity or clarity to pull off all of the legwork that goes into an incredibly ambitious trip. ;)

    We tossed around a few ideas like New Orleans, San Diego or St. Louis. I began to look into things to see, prices for plane tickets and hotels. Graham found round-trip flights for $120 a pop, and directly afterwards I stumbled upon a Hotwire deal for a 4-star hotel for $50 a night. This happened to overlap with Labor Day and G was able to swing a few extra days off during this time. It ended up working hand-in-hand with our budget and that was the deciding factor- so St. Louis, Missouri it was!

     One of my best friends, Nicole, grew up in the city and always had lots to say about her hometown. However, besides the big Arch we knew next to nothing about it! This allowed for me to plunge into seeing what the city had to offer. I was quite surprised to see that there was a great deal to see, do and enjoy. Likewise, we booked the cheap tickets we found and scored the hotel we wanted. After booking, since it's all done without knowing which hotel you're getting (only the rating and price are shown), it ended up being the Westin! This swanky place was located next to the Metro that directly faced the Cardinals stadium in Ballpark Village; it was perfect. 

    It's important to note that during this trip I began at 12 weeks pregnant (turning 13 weeks over the duration of the trip). While I can't complain much over my pregnancy as my children are very important to me, I can say that this element brought about a funky situation. My nausea had certainly not subsided and there were times when I just had to walk to a secluded area to be sick ;) At other times after walking seven miles one day I felt as if I couldn't take another step so Graham had to borrow a wheelchair from a museum to push me around. There also was a bag of snacks that we had to routinely eat, cause Mama wants to pass out otherwise. I felt extremely grateful that we didn't leave the country since I couldn't imagine how I would have handled it. I bow down to all traveling pregnant women!

    We flew into the airport and immediately boarded the Metro in St. Louis after buying a week's long pass (we never stay anywhere that long, but it's always cheapest). Luckily, everywhere we wanted to visit was within a half mile from the Metro or from our hotel- with the except of one place which I'll mention later. The outskirts of the city seemed just like every other urban location- tons of run down buildings and graffiti. A small part of me questioned the city until we got to our stop- was this a good place? would we enjoy it? is everything this sketchy looking? Once there it was evident that we were staying in the most lux area, which felt safe and fun and in a good proximity to everything. 

    After checking into our hotel- which had a direct view of the stadium, the Arch and the Village- we dropped our luggage to get the party started! First on our list was the highly rated City Garden. This was a beautiful outdoor park filled with local artists' work using all kinda of mediums. They had many sculptures meant to be climbed upon and we conceded. There was gorgeous water spouts, waterfalls and a cute little pool- I couldn't help but think what a fun area it would be for toddlers on a hot summer day. Besides the artwork and water works, there was darling gardens filled with blooming flowers! Each of these aspects, including the wonderful weather, make us want to spent a great deal of time taking pictures and simply enjoying the neighborhood.

    Then we moseyed further east towards the river to the Old Courthouse. This was exactly what image the title should bring to mind: a historic courthouse. Inside there was an exhibition over the history of slavery in the city of St. Louis. It was fascinating to read about Dred Scott, whose court case was presented in this building. There was also court rooms kept in their original conditions which could be seen and photographed. Extravagantly long American flags hung all over the building- further letting it be known of their patriotism. As a final spot, we were told to stand in the center of the hall where a natural microphone stood in place. The moment either of us would speak the echos would overwhelm and shock the speaker! It was so interesting. Don't worry, every photo taken made us look crazed, so I included one.

    Up next was the Graham's favorite thing while we visited. I wanted us to see the Archway, but after researching online the general consensus said that (1) the area is questionable at night and (2) to visit the top requires a tight space in a small elevator, not good for claustrophobia. Anyone familiar with me should know the first reason eliminated my desire and anyone familiar with Graham will know the second reason eliminated his own. So I went back to the drawing board where I managed to find an alternative suggestion that said to visit Restaurant 360, located on the 27th upper deck of the Hilton building. This building was centrally located with views of the River, the Arch, Downtown and the Stadium. We completely fell in love with it! We sipped on fancy drinks while taking turns to walk to different sides of the building to enjoy each of the scenes. The sun set and everything was just as pretty when lit up for the evening. Graham, who loves all things fancy and good views, was in hog heaven. He drank through at least 5 drinks before we finally picked an entree. The nightlife was very accurately presented here- fun, brash and swanky without trying hard. 

     After such a long day we turned into the hotel. Early the next morning we ate breakfast at a local eatery recommended to us- Rooster's! It was a series of crepes and omelets while drinking out of mason jars. The delicious foods kept rolling the entire time.

    Our first tourist spot was going to be inside Forrest Park. This enormous open park is twice the size of Central Park, filled with museums, walkways and gorgeous scenery. What made this area so much nicer was the fact that every building inside the Park was free. We decided to visit the highly recommended St. Louis Zoo to start our day off with a bang. The Zoo was kept up very well, stocked with fun exhibits and cute animals. Our favorite parts included the penguins, who had an Arctic walk through that left me shivering, the seals, who had a multi-dimensional viewing area as they raced by, and the butterfly house, which has a plethora of colorful-winged insects everywhere. It was a very large space that housed a great collection of animals, so big that by the time we worked our way around we ran into an awesome community event for a free concert. The gates were flooded as families walked in with blankets and camp chairs while some blue grass band picked banjos on the stage. Graham and I both agreed it wouldn't be something we would imagine getting a lot of hype back home. 

    Our first day and a half of St. Louis was in the books!

     

Microphone!

 Trying my best to navigate us ;)

Finding Out the Babies' Gender// 26 Birthday Gift to Myself

    I'm 26 years old today. Yesterday we had a small gathering to celebrate with our immediate families. As a very special gift for myself we found out the babies' gender. Happy birthday to me!

    It was such a beautiful day! I knew that any combination would make us happy, so that was never an issue. Graham and I are so excited to welcome them to our lives! We love you, Baby A and Baby B.

Oct. 18th, My Due Date

    Today is the Due Date for Baby #1- I had cemented this day in my mind as a joyous event. Then I began to find it with deep sorrow and anxiety when it went awry. To be pregnant again has softened the blow (in a completely indescribable way) but it hasn't erased it. All day I've wondered how differently life could be if this little one was still joining us this week- What would it be? Would we share the same birthday? How would I be feeling right this minute? Meanwhile I've prayed incessantly over the two babies still with me with vigor today. How grateful I am for them; I love them oh so fiercely. How can one person constantly feel so many emotions? What a weird conundrum. 

    I'm still thinking of you Baby Alexander #1. 

How The Babies Came To Be...

    It's hard to even find words. How can you use such simple, uncomplicated things to express such elation? I am pregnant. Not only that, but I am 15.5 weeks along. To sweeten the deal there are 2 apple sized babies growing in utero. The miracle of life is a real thing and I still can't fathom that I'm able to experience it.
    We trudged through infertility for 3 years, a drop in the bucket for some people, but it was felt so fiercely throughout every single day. It has been the greatest challenge of my life. I've prayed for a baby to come into our family, knowing that he/she would be so, so, so loved. The incessant waiting and lack of answers made it unbearable at times. Last October, we decided to continue on with in vitro fertilization (IVF). In November we did an egg retrieval and I was swollen like a guinea pig from them gathering so many eggs. In January we decided to purse our first course of IVF and, thus, we met our deductible in the first week of the new year! It was successful and I fell pregnant, only to find out I miscarried unexpectedly. It took 6 weeks for everything from that pregnancy to naturally pass from me and I grieved more than I ever have before. I spent the next few months in a stupor. I carried around a positive pregnancy test in my purse to remind myself that it was real event, and not just something I imagined. Depression is real and I experienced it for myself; I still think of this baby almost daily. But life must go on. After enough time had passed we geared back up for another round, which we completed in May. I put my heart into it, I wanted to be a mother more than anything else. We found out that it didn't work. I felt so morose and begged for strength to continue on. I felt like I should time some time off but I couldn't rationalize it- I didn't want to put it off. We immediately began for another round in June, which was set to happen June 29th.
    July 3rd was only 4 days past my 5 days transfer- which means I was still 5 days away from when I was supposed to take a test that would accurately tell me the results. I woke up very early on accident and immediately began to google the likelihood of a getting a positive pregnancy test. Google confirmed that the chances would be extremely slim and that I should wait it out; I reluctantly decided to follow the instructions. That lasted about 30 seconds until my resolve took a nosedive, the itch was strong. I petered into the bathroom knowing that it was a bad mistake. I quickly took a test, covered it up, and continued with my morning routine. The limbo period is always a simultaneous desire to check it immediately and put it off until the last moment. Finally the time came, as I took the paper off the test my heart dropped. A very faint second line showed up on the test. I remember murmuring "I'm pregnant!" and feeling so happy, then I felt my heart drop and a lump swell in my throat. It felt so wrong to feel that way- it was not what I expected. I was elated. But then again I wasn't ready for the chance to lose another child. My emotions battled. Still, there was proof of a baby!
   I sat back down on my couch and googled incessantly. I tried to make myself more presentable, yanked out my camera and when it came time all the cutesy things I planned to use to surprise my husband flew out the window. Graham woke up for work and I could not hold it in. I extended the test to him when he began to pray aloud (not planned). The first thing he asked for us was that we could get pregnant soon and my heart soared. He opened his eyes and he saw that his words weren't just a request anymore. I think he was as dumbfounded as I was.
    I began to accept that it was real when my clinic confirmed it with bloodwork at 4 weeks pregnant. There was a teensy, tiny dot that was forming into a child, how insane! The next day I joined my family for a vacation, which made the secret both difficult and easy. They didn't really ask questions when I would leave them during the following week for bloodwork. They assumed it was routine, yet I knew it was to continue proving that my HCG levels were rising (the only way to know the pregnancy is progressing if you're that early on). My numbers steadily climbed and my heart lifted.
    After three times of proving my HCG was on the up and up, my bloodwork aspect was over. I was hoping to keep checking but my clinic pulled the plug, instead asked me to patiently wait for one more week to come in for a 6 week Ultrasound. It was a reasonable request. For anyone who has read my post about my miscarriage, you'll know that it was at that appointment when I found out I had a vanishing pregnancy. So suddenly, it wasn't all that reasonable to me. My anxiety was so, so high as I waited during that period. It was truly hell. I refused to follow the path that I experienced with the first baby, which included downloading a daily growth tracker, buying baby items or making too great of a mention of it. I downplayed it as much as possible because there was great fear in my heart. I hope this doesn't come off as my being unappreciative, but rather I felt so strongly that I had to protect myself, lest I experience something else devastating.
    The morning of my ultrasound was one of the scariest days of my life. I sat in my car with plenty of time before Graham was there and I watched my hands shake. I videoed a few quick thoughts I had and my voice quavered. It was so scary. Pregnancy after infertility is stressful, but pregnancy after loss is a whole new ballgame. You're worried about yourself and your child. You want to believe that it's okay but you're afraid to be too invested. You wonder if you made all the right choices along the way. It's the worst flurry of emotions.
    When I'm lost and can't bear it alone I have to seek peace. I prayed so fiercely that I wouldn't be let down. I prayed that a baby would be in there. I prayed that a heartbeat would be visible. I prayed that all of the heartache, all of the money, all of the wasted time would be worth it. I prayed that we could actually carry this baby home and make a family.
    Of course, by now it's obvious that it worked. But just a matter of 8 weeks ago, it wasn't this way. There was fear and excitement then, and at times there still are now! Even after exiting my first trimester I worry more than is probably necessary. After telling both of our immediate families, I didn't feel like I wanted to share it further. Of course the nervousness was a factor, but it was enough to have a few people know and send me their well wishes. They were thrilled for us and it raised my spirits. Thank you, family! Experiencing this with you has been sweeter than I imaged it would be. I'm so happy to know our babies are coming into a home with love.
    There is so much that people say about a mother's love that I know is true: I loved them even before I knew of them. I hoped and prayed for them when they were microscopic embryos in petri dishes. I pleaded with God to send them to me and it never will not astound me that he finally did so. They are truly the inspiration of my delight

    I also know that at times I battle with the guilt of getting to experience pregnancy and motherhood. I know so many other deserving women who I wish so desperately could do the same! As happy as we can be for someone else, it's always, always a slight blow to yourself. There will be absolutely no hard feelings if you can't speak to me about this, need to remove me from your newsfeed or have to take other measures- I've been there and I've done it all. Please, please know that I haven't forgotten you, that I know your plight and that I honestly pray for you.

    I started writing blog posts up weekly after my first Ultrasound. I'll share them on the blog when I can :)