2/3 finished with this production! I'm in the middle stage of wearing ill-fitting nonmaterity items, currently rocking an outie belly button and having to go to the bathroom at least 15 times a day. As of today my babies will be here no later than 11 weeks and 5 days! Squealing over this! How on earth has this pregnancy raced by while the trying-to-get-pregnant stage seemed to last a lifetime? Despite a few aches or ailments, this has been an incredibly joyous time in my life filled with many things I hope to never forget. I've tried to not be overwhelming with sharing pregnancy facts/complaints/etc online (I easily could have driven you all crazy with details) but today there is a journal entry brewing for Future Me.

    I'm up 10 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. My total gain is a bit more considering I lost 8 pounds from sickness and lack of fatty fertility medications during my first trimester. But I'm not comfortable saying there is an 18 pound gain yet ;) At this point it seems like it's all in the correct places since I hadn't even noticed the excess until my OBGYN office put me on the scale! Also, I wish I would have measured the belly before I grew even an inch, because now I'm up to 41 inches round in the biggest part. 

    For clothing, I'm mainly in my original get up. I had several shirts that were loose and those paired with leggings are my go-to's at this point. Since the cold has came in I've realized that my over-sized sweaters are the perfect addition, even if my darling coats are pointless. I can fit in the legs of my pants without a worry but since I've been about 16 weeks I have had a real aversion to zipping them. Now, it's totally out of the question! A good friend recommended a belly band which is a piece of spandex-like fabric that goes over the zipper, which allows me to wear my blue jeans unzipped without showing everyone everything ;) I do have about 4 maternity shirts and 2 maternity pants but they just have an odd way about them. Occasionally I also add a belly support piece to help keep the weight from feeling so heavy in that area.

    All of the not-so-fun pregnancy symptoms I've always heard about include: bathroom runs, inability to sleep, stretch marks and physical exhaustion. I've had all of these, to some degree, at this point! In the past three weeks my bladder has felt so incredibly tiny! It's quite frustrating to know that I don't need to go, considering there I've been there within the past hour and a half, but if I don't I might risk an accident; it really cramps your style. One day I'm determined to write down how many visits I'm actually clocking. In regards to sleep I can easily go through the night without waking, but what I can't do is feel completely comfortable during the process. At night I use my pregnancy pillow (which makes me look like a loon if anyone was to see me since it's in the shape of a huge C but I pull it together like an O) because I have to use it between both legs and wedged under my belly. For the permanent side of things, I have dreaded stretch marks as if they were the bubonic plague! Well, that did nothing because I noticed them at 23 weeks along; I had Graham count them out this past week, I have 4 on one side and 2 on another. I'm currently oiling up nightly to see if I can possibly ward off more. All of this aside, my main complaint is the fact that I am drained of energy without doing much of anything! Walking up to my second story apartment leaves me to sit down on the couch panting. Lifting anything above five pounds makes me weak. Even after a day of relaxing I could still use more rest. After all the time I detested hearing pregnant people complain about pregnancy while I couldn't experience it, I finally understand that it's truly a difficult process sometimes, as great as the results will be! 

    Fun pregnancy symptoms I've always heard about include: feeling the baby move, everyone else's reaction to baby(ies), hormones galore. The best part is, by far, is the cute little kicks of my Baby Boy and Baby Girl. I was 19 weeks and 4 days when I noticed these occasional twinges, a bit like a little knee-jerk reaction, coming from my abdomen. After googling I was able to learn that I didn't need to worry about missing the fluttering feeling- because I was feeling my babies! The next day I put Graham's hand on the area where there was movement, suddenly he pulled back his hand and said, "Wait that tiny thing was a kick?" Cue tears from me for getting to share such a beautiful moment with the father of my children. They currently don't have such small movements- it's easy to identify them from the inside and outside. Due to positioning, I always feel movement in the same areas: Baby Boy always kicks the right side of my belly near my ribs (he also is super visible because he will ball up and push against my belly so I can feel most of him) and Baby Girl likes to humble me with kicks to the cervix (and she's wedged kind of beneath him so I only see her movements towards the lower abdomen if she changes positions), and yes it is very uncomfortable. Another great thing is how special I feel from other people knowing about the babies. I've had my belly rubbed, been asked about specifics from strangers and get to feel the excitement from those around me. Often I think I look and feel run- down, no wonderful pregnancy goddess for me, but then someone will often give a compliment to boost me up. A big part of me thinks it's a time that everyone appreciates and tries to make it a good experience. Thanks so much for that everyone- it's needed! Now there sure is a great rush of hormones for this pregnant gal. Keep in mind, I've been pumped full of them for the past three years, so this may not be much of a change to anyone but I certainly feel it moreso now. Anything to do with a parent's relationship with their child, a surprise in any form or the thought of a new baby is enough to bring on the waterworks.

     I recently had THE most 'I'm Obviously Pregnant' experience at 25 weeks; I'm almost embarrassed to share it! One evening Graham called to see what did I want for him to bring home for supper- I was craving something healthy and he wanted a sandwich. We picked a place and I scoured the menu online, finally I told him to order me a huge plate of fruit- then I noticed that it was more expensive than getting half a sandwich and a cup of fruit, so I conceded that would be the best option to get some variety. My bizarre half-crazed pregnant mind was over-joyed with the idea of fresh fruit- it's something I always find myself wanting (not any of those weird cravings I always heard about). Graham pulled up, began dispersing the food and I noticed... he didn't have my fruit... The beloved fruit I had envisioned was ordered but the restaurant made a mistake and didn't pack it. I looked down at my tiny half- sandwich and realized it was an awful substitute for what I really wanted. Then Graham popped the lid off his own side, vegetable medley, and asked me if I wanted it. As this foul aroma of broccoli hit my nostrils tears welled up in my eyes and I had to leave the room. I had a real hard cry in the bathroom for at least five minutes, all the while feeling like I was an idiot and knowing I was being dramatic. Finally, I gathered the strength to go back to my husband who was totally bewildered at what was going on. As soon as I got out there I was able to play it cool until Graham asked what was up then I told him, "I'm just so disappointed about not having my fruit" and once again had another good cry while Graham burst out laughing at the frivolity of it all. It took about ten minutes for me to calm down all together, but BOY did I want some fruit! Luckily for me, my husband understood the necessity of having what I desired and he left just to bring me a bounty of apples, grapes and pineapple. 

    Currently, my babies are getting long and fat! My last appointment showed that Baby Boy, at 26 weeks, was weighing in at 1 lb, 15 oz, this puts him into the 51st percentile for weight! My Baby Girl, at 26 weeks, was weighing in at 1 lb, 13 oz, which puts her in the 41st percentile. They are both around 14 inches long. My sonographer told me that that is pretty accurate, but it will decrease as they get larger and too difficult to measure. It's hard to believe that they were once, and not all that long ago, the size of poppy seeds. I'm proud of them! Because of my experiences I held my breath until I was at 24 weeks along when it was medically possible to intervene to save their lives if I was to go into early labor. Now that I'm 27 weeks I feel like I can breath- there is an 80% rate that they would be fine, which will jump up as I continue to carry them closer to term. They just need to fatten up even more and work on their organ development. Go, babies, go! 

    All in all, I wake up every single day astonished that my body is capable of carrying a son and a daughter to join my family. Seeing the bump that has taken over my body is always a jolt to remind me that I'm not dreaming. At times I can't stand the physical ailments that come with pregnancy, if I was to be honest, but I never ever ever forget that this is my own miracle. These little babies were hand picked just for me! I'm counting down until they get to come home. My love for them doesn't seem to fit into words. 

    Profile shots! The top is Baby Girl, the bottom is Baby Boy.

How The Babies Came To Be...

    It's hard to even find words. How can you use such simple, uncomplicated things to express such elation? I am pregnant. Not only that, but I am 15.5 weeks along. To sweeten the deal there are 2 apple sized babies growing in utero. The miracle of life is a real thing and I still can't fathom that I'm able to experience it.
    We trudged through infertility for 3 years, a drop in the bucket for some people, but it was felt so fiercely throughout every single day. It has been the greatest challenge of my life. I've prayed for a baby to come into our family, knowing that he/she would be so, so, so loved. The incessant waiting and lack of answers made it unbearable at times. Last October, we decided to continue on with in vitro fertilization (IVF). In November we did an egg retrieval and I was swollen like a guinea pig from them gathering so many eggs. In January we decided to purse our first course of IVF and, thus, we met our deductible in the first week of the new year! It was successful and I fell pregnant, only to find out I miscarried unexpectedly. It took 6 weeks for everything from that pregnancy to naturally pass from me and I grieved more than I ever have before. I spent the next few months in a stupor. I carried around a positive pregnancy test in my purse to remind myself that it was real event, and not just something I imagined. Depression is real and I experienced it for myself; I still think of this baby almost daily. But life must go on. After enough time had passed we geared back up for another round, which we completed in May. I put my heart into it, I wanted to be a mother more than anything else. We found out that it didn't work. I felt so morose and begged for strength to continue on. I felt like I should time some time off but I couldn't rationalize it- I didn't want to put it off. We immediately began for another round in June, which was set to happen June 29th.
    July 3rd was only 4 days past my 5 days transfer- which means I was still 5 days away from when I was supposed to take a test that would accurately tell me the results. I woke up very early on accident and immediately began to google the likelihood of a getting a positive pregnancy test. Google confirmed that the chances would be extremely slim and that I should wait it out; I reluctantly decided to follow the instructions. That lasted about 30 seconds until my resolve took a nosedive, the itch was strong. I petered into the bathroom knowing that it was a bad mistake. I quickly took a test, covered it up, and continued with my morning routine. The limbo period is always a simultaneous desire to check it immediately and put it off until the last moment. Finally the time came, as I took the paper off the test my heart dropped. A very faint second line showed up on the test. I remember murmuring "I'm pregnant!" and feeling so happy, then I felt my heart drop and a lump swell in my throat. It felt so wrong to feel that way- it was not what I expected. I was elated. But then again I wasn't ready for the chance to lose another child. My emotions battled. Still, there was proof of a baby!
   I sat back down on my couch and googled incessantly. I tried to make myself more presentable, yanked out my camera and when it came time all the cutesy things I planned to use to surprise my husband flew out the window. Graham woke up for work and I could not hold it in. I extended the test to him when he began to pray aloud (not planned). The first thing he asked for us was that we could get pregnant soon and my heart soared. He opened his eyes and he saw that his words weren't just a request anymore. I think he was as dumbfounded as I was.
    I began to accept that it was real when my clinic confirmed it with bloodwork at 4 weeks pregnant. There was a teensy, tiny dot that was forming into a child, how insane! The next day I joined my family for a vacation, which made the secret both difficult and easy. They didn't really ask questions when I would leave them during the following week for bloodwork. They assumed it was routine, yet I knew it was to continue proving that my HCG levels were rising (the only way to know the pregnancy is progressing if you're that early on). My numbers steadily climbed and my heart lifted.
    After three times of proving my HCG was on the up and up, my bloodwork aspect was over. I was hoping to keep checking but my clinic pulled the plug, instead asked me to patiently wait for one more week to come in for a 6 week Ultrasound. It was a reasonable request. For anyone who has read my post about my miscarriage, you'll know that it was at that appointment when I found out I had a vanishing pregnancy. So suddenly, it wasn't all that reasonable to me. My anxiety was so, so high as I waited during that period. It was truly hell. I refused to follow the path that I experienced with the first baby, which included downloading a daily growth tracker, buying baby items or making too great of a mention of it. I downplayed it as much as possible because there was great fear in my heart. I hope this doesn't come off as my being unappreciative, but rather I felt so strongly that I had to protect myself, lest I experience something else devastating.
    The morning of my ultrasound was one of the scariest days of my life. I sat in my car with plenty of time before Graham was there and I watched my hands shake. I videoed a few quick thoughts I had and my voice quavered. It was so scary. Pregnancy after infertility is stressful, but pregnancy after loss is a whole new ballgame. You're worried about yourself and your child. You want to believe that it's okay but you're afraid to be too invested. You wonder if you made all the right choices along the way. It's the worst flurry of emotions.
    When I'm lost and can't bear it alone I have to seek peace. I prayed so fiercely that I wouldn't be let down. I prayed that a baby would be in there. I prayed that a heartbeat would be visible. I prayed that all of the heartache, all of the money, all of the wasted time would be worth it. I prayed that we could actually carry this baby home and make a family.
    Of course, by now it's obvious that it worked. But just a matter of 8 weeks ago, it wasn't this way. There was fear and excitement then, and at times there still are now! Even after exiting my first trimester I worry more than is probably necessary. After telling both of our immediate families, I didn't feel like I wanted to share it further. Of course the nervousness was a factor, but it was enough to have a few people know and send me their well wishes. They were thrilled for us and it raised my spirits. Thank you, family! Experiencing this with you has been sweeter than I imaged it would be. I'm so happy to know our babies are coming into a home with love.
    There is so much that people say about a mother's love that I know is true: I loved them even before I knew of them. I hoped and prayed for them when they were microscopic embryos in petri dishes. I pleaded with God to send them to me and it never will not astound me that he finally did so. They are truly the inspiration of my delight

    I also know that at times I battle with the guilt of getting to experience pregnancy and motherhood. I know so many other deserving women who I wish so desperately could do the same! As happy as we can be for someone else, it's always, always a slight blow to yourself. There will be absolutely no hard feelings if you can't speak to me about this, need to remove me from your newsfeed or have to take other measures- I've been there and I've done it all. Please, please know that I haven't forgotten you, that I know your plight and that I honestly pray for you.

    I started writing blog posts up weekly after my first Ultrasound. I'll share them on the blog when I can :)

5 Weeks + 6 Days Pregnant: There's Two!

    Today was the most incredible day of my life. Graham and I both watched a screen and we saw heartbeats. YES, plural! We watched on the screen as we saw two separate babies, our babies, in their own little yolk sacs. There was magic as we saw the flicker of beating hearts. Amazing, inspiring, breath-taking, there isn't enough words to describe those moments. We are having two! Two different and surely wonderful spirits. I don't even know how exactly to feel other than elated beyond belief. I can't believe it. I honestly can't believe that there are two little peas-sized babies inside of me. What a miracle of all miracles!
     Of course, leading up the appointment I was a maniac. Every other day I either told Graham a new symptom I was feeling or either that I knew it was going south. The buildup to the ultrasound was so difficult; horrendous flashbacks of the first pregnancy taunted me. The journey has felt so bleak and so devastating. Hearing that my own babies were thriving filled me with overwhelming love and gratitude and happiness. I'm only 6 weeks, so there is definitely a long way to go but we have already came this far. I've never been this far!
     There were just two of us for so long. It felt so hard to wait for our family to expand. It was the most frustrating, devastating event for us to constantly feel so stagnant. It's been just me and Graham, but we wanted more. And now our family is going to double. Two of us and two children. Is that hardly crazy? I'm in awe.
    I don't know what else to say. There are babies in my belly and they have left me filled with pride. They are working so hard right now to grow their eyes and spines and livers. To follow along their story is a wonder. I can't believe that they are actually growing into tiny people. One day they'll be tangible. Soon I'll be able to identify them with a gender and a personality. That is spectacular to imagine. My sweet, precious babies. I pray that they continue to develop and grow in all the right ways. I am so desperately in love with whoever is listening to my heart while growing their own.