While minding my own business, I was taken back by a recent situation. Someone confessed to my husband they knew I did not like them. He let me know... I was sort of shocked. Not because it wasn't true- no, it was undeniably correct. I disliked this person a great deal. I voiced it many times, particularly to Graham. Then apparently I voiced it to the wrong source and they relayed the message. What shocked me about the situation what how I felt about it. Initially I was smug, happy they knew. Why wouldn't I want them to know about it?! Then I began to think it over and couldn't quite fathom why that would make me happy. Surely that made them uncomfortable knowing somewhere there was a person who disliked them enough for it to be made known. Did they feel ashamed, confused? How did they feel about me after learning that? It led me to think about many things, mostly an analysis of myself.
You see, it's hard for me to see my own faults sometimes. I like to poke fun at myself, but true underlying weaknesses I typically brush under the rug and refuse to bring to the surface... There are even a few things about me that I don't even like. These are all things I deal with at times: I can be painfully stubborn, I tend to hold a grudge for long periods of time, I allow ill feelings take up too many of my thoughts.
Okay. I've said it- I don't know whether recognizing them makes me feel better or worse about myself, but now you all know a little bit more about me.
Aren't they horrible? Seriously! All three of them combined can leave a fermented mind. I can tell you that it is not something I enjoy. Sometimes I find myself being stubborn or holding a grudge or just thinking unkind thoughts and I resolve to stop it immediately- but then my little companion Pride gets in the way and all is lost. I wonder if I am correctly portraying this- allowing one thing to affect mecan allow access for many to affect me.
How do you get them to stop? Is there a way? Okay, in truth I know the answer to that. And I think that I have in small, small ways tried to diminish them. My biggest determining factor is Jesus Christ. It astounds me to think of a utterly perfect man. When I feel discouraged, I like to think of the apostles blessed to learn directly from him yet who abandoned the work shortly after his crucifixion. One of the best General Conferences addresses I can remember on this topic was given by Jeffrey R Holland titled "The First Great Commandment." If you haven't read, please do, it is a wonderful talk. If you have heard it, just reread it. For all you lazy bums (me) there is even a video! Here is the link:
If you choose to read it, I guess I am (definitely in a small way) comparing myself to it. I've had the knowledge to know better than to allow certain feelings dictate my actions, to change who it is that I become. All day this same thought has plagued me: is that who I want to become? Will I let small insignificant acts or words change who I am? I can honestly say- nay. While I may find myself in a struggle with some of my characteristics, I can hardly tell of my desire to help my Savior in His quest!! I want to feed His sheep, to proclaim of His divinity, to be the best I can be as I stand as a witness for Him. I refuse I let unimportant things get in the way, from here on out. I aim to rid myself of dislike towards any person, deserving or not. I can only hope that I haven't caused many ill feelings with people, if I have I shall do better.
Lastly I have contemplated what to do next. Certainly strive to better myself, but what about the act of restitution? An apology is definitely called for (I hardly know how to approach that one my ego is so big) is that all that I should do? And with an apology how should I go about it? Any recommendations?
I find myself falling short so often. I know that I am going to do better, to be the best I can... Starting by liking everybody ;)
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