I originally said I would touch bases after my last appointment but, yet again, it was all over the place so I decided to wait until I had answers. Annoying, right? To sum it up where we left off: my little follicle was trying it's best to rally up to a decent size pre-ovulation, after a week of staying the same rate, it grew 3mm on Wednesday and I had to check back in on Friday.
    By Friday I had lost faith that I'd have a successful cycle, mostly because the timing is essential, and I went with low expectations. Well! My follicle grew by a whopping 1mm! It felt worthy of an eye roll at that point. The instructions were to wait it out until the following Monday and to be on high alert for ovulation cramps. Oye. It reminded me of those teenage years when you're just being strung along, little bits of hope that make you cling to whoever. As, I went for my sixth ultrasound in 15 days-  my follicles had shrunk down to 6mm. It went to the opposite ends of the scale from what we wanted.
    After my ultrasound, one of the nurses told me there was a possibility I had ovulated and the egg had released, so we better check by doing some lab work. See what I mean about the bits of hope?Then I had to wait all day Monday and didn't hear back until late this afternoon. Can I just say that waiting when you're trying to remain positive is the WORST? It sure is. The results came in: no ovulation and low estrogen levels. I'm not surprised, last week when everything began to unfold I was, but by today I don't even feel that sad.
    What was super neat was to get to discuss how infertility impacts me with my nurse. I've know her for a year but she just opened up at that appointment about her failed IVF attempts. We discussed comments people have said that left us livid and the heartache we share, that others don't understand sometimes. What was interesting to me was the fact that I could see that we were in different mentalities- I am (mostly) past the distraught, unjust phase. That took a long time but I like where I'm at. Sure, that will always come and go but I've accepted that this is my lot in life and that I want to use it to educate and encourage others to be more aware of how common it is and how it affects the people who endure it. Someone private messaged me about how to approach and speak on infertility with loved ones- I was thrilled. What a privilege!
    So, some affirmations. We will have a baby, it won't happen this month but it will eventually. I am still very blessed in so many regards, which I remind myself daily. There is a General Conference talk that I am delving into that relates so well to this topic, and I'm choosing to be happy.
    I am going to love my future children soooo indescribably much, I can already say that and there isn't any- is that weird? There is a huge place in my heart, I'm hoping the Lord thinks so too and will send some to us through whatever means is appropriate. I know we both have so much love to give! One day, oh yes, one day! In the meantime I'm about to scope out some dessert joints with my husband ;)

    I texted Graham after getting the lab results, and he knew I'd need a little pick me up so he sent me this funny gif from one of our favorite shows. I couldn't stop laughing! I'm so thankful for his humor throughout everything, he makes it easier. Single ladies: don't forget to marry up.

Girl's Trip at my Place

    Right before the summer ended, I received a message from one of my grandmothers asking if they could come for a visit. Of course, I love spending time with everyone and jumped at the chance. We began to plan for a quick overnight trip. Then we decided it may as well be a big trip and invite caboodles of people: cause why not?
     In August, we managed to find a time everyone could come down. I had to kick Graham out and send him over to his parents for more space :) We had to arrange to have multiple air mattresses brought in for all of our sleeping arrangements. Then I had 2 Grandmas, 2 Aunts, 1 Mother, 2 cousins and 1 sister come to  stay the night in my small apartment. My bed, the pull out mattress, 1 queen air mattress, 2 twin air mattresses and my loveseat were used to give everyone a place to sleep. It was a packed place, but we didn't mind it. We enjoyed going out to eat together, cooking up a big breakfast at home and strolling through a few shops for goodies. We didn't have any set plans other than to enjoy ourselves, which always creates a stress-free trip!
    My maternal side tries to get together at least annually for a fun little get away- this year we had two! We always manage to have big laughs and that makes it worth any amount of hassle. I look forward to carrying on these traditions when we have children. Thanks for coming over ya'll, love each of you :)

(Silly? I'm the only one who looks over-the-top though.)

AUGUST and the Alexander's (no) Baby-Making News

   Hi. Here I am.Two seconds into typing that all I could think of was Jesus' "Here I am, send me!" (Isaiah 6:8) And you simply can't compare any tale to the one of the Lord, who took on the world's sins then sacrificed himself- you just can't. But I can say that I've had a bit of a rough couple of days and that I don't feel too upset about it, which is a blessing.
   I say going through the process of infertility is a roller coaster- please don't hate me for being repetitive. It's just been such a mess. And there is a good chance it's not easy to understand it, *sigh*. So, let me get you up to speed.
   We took 2 months off for traveling purposes, when we came back in July my Clinic suggested beginning with a low medicated natural cycle. I agreed that this seemed ideal, a nice way to dip back into it by using the basics. To simplify as much as possible the rundown is: I take birth control for 2 weeks, when it ends I begin a cycle, around Day 5 I take several Letrozole tablets which helps to stimulate my inactive follicles and then the monitoring begins about Cycle Day 12 on every other day until my follicle gets to the big enough size for me to get a shot to force ovulation.
  Just to clarify here: a follicle is an outer shell casing for an egg, it needs to be sized at 18-22mm to ideally be triggered, then I ovulate, it sticks to a thick uterine lining, then the follicle spouts off an egg at some point and, if the stars are aligned, it can become a fertilized embryo and begin the process of making a human child! Ok, still following me? That's the gist of the science behind it.
    Well, enough generalizations and back to the Mysterious Body of Lacey. My first ultrasound was last Monday, followed by that same Wednesday, I was scheduled for Friday but had to leave town for a funeral, then came back for one on Monday, trekked up there again on Wednesday and I have one for tomorrow on Friday :) Two of those appointments I had to stay later for blood draws. (And imagine if I wasn't on summer vacation still! It'd be impossible to work and be present for all the days they expect for me to be in.) Usually it's closer to 3 U/S in a natural or IUI cycle, but, and this is why I'm here to explain about my week!
   Despite 18 months of actively trying, we are still trying to learn HOW my body responds; it's a never ending story. Every month we have had some type of bizarre results that makes it hard to nail down what needs to happen correctly. This month did not go as planned. By my 2nd U/S, last Wednesday, my two dominant follicles were at an 11 (decent for that current date), I was asked to come in on the following Monday with my ovulation kick starter shot. I showed up on Monday, bright and early with my meds in tow, just to learn that one follicle shrunk and the other was stagnant- STILL at an 11mm. 5 days which should have been plenty for it get to the right size didn't invoke anything! Then they debated if I naturally ovulated, fluid was present when it shouldn't of been, which if so means we have to cancel the cycle, since my follicle wasn't big enough to produce an egg. I felt slightly crushed but I tried to shake it off, I feel disappointment in that office pretty frequently. What gets me is how composed I am until I make the phone call to Graham- seriously EVERY time I burst into tears in the clinic! I guess I just feel like I can truly act how I'm feeling and I know he will accept it at this point ;) Followed shortly by the walk of shame to the front office to make my next appointment with red eyes and a voice with a catch, woops.
    For some reason or other I was asked to come back on Wednesday for more monitoring, just in case. A blood draw told that I hadn't ovulated, which was good news. At the next U/S the little follicle that could grew to 14mm! So after 5 days of no growth, it suddently spawned an addition 3mm? Everyone is trying to understand it. So things are, potentially, back on track? It's just hard to say because it's just not an exact science. Raising my hopes is also a sure problem, since it's like a coin toss up at this point. I'm left here to wonder if this month is another bust or if I can hang on to hope that we could be 1 step closer to a real baby? Should we go forward with another IUI or skip to IVF, like some have suggested. It's been indescribably hard to know what to do for the future. Us not being able to have a baby has affected our decisions for moving (how will I find a new clinic? will I have to retest for different things? will we be starting from scratch?) and home-owning (should we buy a house if no kids are in sight? do we need a certain amount of bedrooms? how do we know if this is child-friendly without a child to test it with?) We have explored other options and paid close attention to them, but we just aren't quite there yet in our lives- I can't give up on the fact that I want to literally create a tiny human. Having a real family of our own is so important to us and we are trying to give it the amount of time it requires but to keep living our lives in the meantime- it's a very rough balance. Additionally, a huge strain on a marriage/relationships/friendships because of the emotional, physical and psychological effects. And who knows the answers? It certainly isn't us. I want to be hopeful but I find myself trying to be realistic with the possibilities of our situations.  I'll find out more news tomorrow, for sure. It's so incredibly hectic!