Learning to Love Myself

    Me. Who and what am I? I can think of many, many things. I am a wife, a crafter, a baby- kisser, a Latter Day Saint. I am a student, a woman, a lover of all things Harry Potter. I am a goofball, an internet fiend, a sarcasm user, a believer in prayer. There are so many descriptive words I could interject.
    But when someone else describes me in a positive light? I scoff. I pull out the self- deprecating humor. As soon as I hear these words from a person I instantly believe them to be frivolous. Are they sure they know who they're talking to? How sweet of them, yet so misinformed. Thanks for the sentiment, but no way. It's my habit.
    On the last evening at YW Camp there was a wonderful member from my Stake who asked:

"Why don't young women love themselves? Why do they hold themselves to an unrealistic standard? Why do they become their harshest critic?"

It nearly took my breath. He was speaking directly to me. I am that person. I struggle with liking Me.

    Physically I can think of so many different things I don't like about myself. I have kept this laundry list throughout the years, slowly adding more to it as I've stared in the mirror. I find flaws with even the most idiotic things. I covet others for their looks, their confidence. I feel inferior. There isn't a day that has gone by that I haven't caught myself looking down to the ground as I walk to and fro, a sure sign of low self- esteem.
    It all goes back to this: when did I allow this to happen? I am okay. I am even better than okay. And who even gets to define what 'okay' is?

I just can't swallow that someone might view me as beautiful. It's too foreign. It can't be right.

    Only one day in my 23 years of living have I felt that. It was incredible, magical even! It's partially why I hold my wedding day in such reverence, why I enjoy posting those photos. For once I was able to see past the qualms. It's certainly illogical. Why can't I have some flaws yet still have beauty?
    Don't get me wrong, there are things that I like about myself. I don't think I wallow in the lowest depths of self- hate or pity, however I give too much time to the things I view as negative. And sometimes I have to remember not to confuse "I love Lacey" with "I like certain parts of me, just not the total sum." It is so hard to find that balance.

    It's a lot to take in huh?

    I am not seeking compliments. I am already biting my nails that I will feel overwhelmed at well meaning people concerned about me. There is already guilt in my heart that anyone would ever find me to be an attention seeker. Sensitive junk like this is hard to share because it's truly baring your soul to anyone who may read the words!
    But I have to get this out- there are far too many amazing, talented, truly beautiful people who take too much time criticizing themselves instead of loving themselves. I sincerely hate that. It terrifies me to think that my sister, my niece or my future children may have as much anxiety as I do regarding their body. Because I see them. I really see all that they are... and they are beautiful. I want them to feel that they are. I want them to know it. I wish for everyone to find the courage to accept our faults, forget the absurd standards we try to obtain and love the skin we're in :)
   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I believe this to be true, but I haven't found the place to allow myself to positively convert to that thought process. I want to, I so want to. It's certainly a step by step process. The only way that I know how to do this is to turn to Jesus Christ. I know that there are things I don't see in myself that He can see. I know I am dishonoring the body I have been given by holding in it such low regard. I know that I will feel so much happier once I can get to the point of truly and irrevocably loving me.