I held off for a while to make this update, because there isn't too much to report. Graham had an additional Semen Analysis (I blush every time I say that) in early July but my clinic has not given those details yet. I'm annoyed by that fact, but trying to squelch that, as it isn't necessary that I know right now (I just barely have the patience to wait and see). Please, let's all remain hopeful that they will give us good news. 

     I am back on birth control again. Major sigh. I can barely remember to take it most days. Whenever we finish with this August's use we are ready to begin again! My Doctor has changed things up from what I originally thought too. Apparently we are not doing an IUI next. I was pretty disgruntled to find that out, but I am willing to follow his advice (for one cycle at least). We will be using Letrozole, in combination with monitored ultrasounds and the like. In addition to this, I've had will have to take Vitamin D supplements and be on a sugarless diet (HOW WILL I SURVIVE?).
    This time off is enjoyable and difficult. Graham was game to jump right into it without it, but I have felt so drained. It's such a weird feeling; I wanted the break (I needed the break), but I kind of regret the break. It's just all over the place! I have been having a very difficult time being positive lately. It has helped by letting everyone know so that I can speak about it freely, but I also feel like a little clock is looming over me ticking-ticking-ticking waiting to have some great news. And trust me, I wish I did. I am that crazy lady who fantasizes about everything working out but, for now, it's all at a standstill. Until next month!

Learning to Love Myself

    Me. Who and what am I? I can think of many, many things. I am a wife, a crafter, a baby- kisser, a Latter Day Saint. I am a student, a woman, a lover of all things Harry Potter. I am a goofball, an internet fiend, a sarcasm user, a believer in prayer. There are so many descriptive words I could interject.
    But when someone else describes me in a positive light? I scoff. I pull out the self- deprecating humor. As soon as I hear these words from a person I instantly believe them to be frivolous. Are they sure they know who they're talking to? How sweet of them, yet so misinformed. Thanks for the sentiment, but no way. It's my habit.
    On the last evening at YW Camp there was a wonderful member from my Stake who asked:

"Why don't young women love themselves? Why do they hold themselves to an unrealistic standard? Why do they become their harshest critic?"

It nearly took my breath. He was speaking directly to me. I am that person. I struggle with liking Me.

    Physically I can think of so many different things I don't like about myself. I have kept this laundry list throughout the years, slowly adding more to it as I've stared in the mirror. I find flaws with even the most idiotic things. I covet others for their looks, their confidence. I feel inferior. There isn't a day that has gone by that I haven't caught myself looking down to the ground as I walk to and fro, a sure sign of low self- esteem.
    It all goes back to this: when did I allow this to happen? I am okay. I am even better than okay. And who even gets to define what 'okay' is?

I just can't swallow that someone might view me as beautiful. It's too foreign. It can't be right.

    Only one day in my 23 years of living have I felt that. It was incredible, magical even! It's partially why I hold my wedding day in such reverence, why I enjoy posting those photos. For once I was able to see past the qualms. It's certainly illogical. Why can't I have some flaws yet still have beauty?
    Don't get me wrong, there are things that I like about myself. I don't think I wallow in the lowest depths of self- hate or pity, however I give too much time to the things I view as negative. And sometimes I have to remember not to confuse "I love Lacey" with "I like certain parts of me, just not the total sum." It is so hard to find that balance.

    It's a lot to take in huh?

    I am not seeking compliments. I am already biting my nails that I will feel overwhelmed at well meaning people concerned about me. There is already guilt in my heart that anyone would ever find me to be an attention seeker. Sensitive junk like this is hard to share because it's truly baring your soul to anyone who may read the words!
    But I have to get this out- there are far too many amazing, talented, truly beautiful people who take too much time criticizing themselves instead of loving themselves. I sincerely hate that. It terrifies me to think that my sister, my niece or my future children may have as much anxiety as I do regarding their body. Because I see them. I really see all that they are... and they are beautiful. I want them to feel that they are. I want them to know it. I wish for everyone to find the courage to accept our faults, forget the absurd standards we try to obtain and love the skin we're in :)
   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I believe this to be true, but I haven't found the place to allow myself to positively convert to that thought process. I want to, I so want to. It's certainly a step by step process. The only way that I know how to do this is to turn to Jesus Christ. I know that there are things I don't see in myself that He can see. I know I am dishonoring the body I have been given by holding in it such low regard. I know that I will feel so much happier once I can get to the point of truly and irrevocably loving me.

Family Matters

    As before stated, vacation growing up was unchanging. For the 2nd week of July we would be in Fernandina Beach at the ABTS Condominiums on the first floor. As the time nearered my high school graduation- room prices soared, things did not fall into place and some wanted a change...

    This year we joined my Mama's paternal side and my Daddy's brother's family to reawaken the beloved beach vacay. My parents booked a cute little condo in St. Augustine Beach and invited us! Is a free vacation even a discussion? Absolutely not. It was really neat to have both sides together at once, we met up as frequently as possible.

   About St Aug... This little city is so rooted in history, every cobbled stoned street filled with wonder. There is just something special about that place! I was very pleased with the decision to go there. We spent so much time together as family- and I basked in every moment of it.

     I'm sorry if I am a broken record, but just yesterday I thought about my life. How strange that I- little Lacey- had the courage to leave all familiarity behind? Anyone who knows me understands that I am not courageous, I am the one who sticks by the books. Yet, I made a serious decision to follow my heart. My hometown, my friends, my church family- it was all so hard. But my family? Incomparable. If you aren't in this club then there isn't any way I can explain our relationship to each other. And thus, I cherish every moment I have with my kin. They are truly my champions, my biggest fans by far. I really do love them: the rowdy ones, the odd ones, the annoyed ones, and the loud ones. They are quirky, but they are mine.

      I vote to keep this tradition up!

     Left, bottom to top: Acey, Granger, WL

     Right, bottom to top: Jake, Lacey, Cole

NEW NEW NEW

Here's what's new in my neck of the woods.

•A different blog design! I always love looking at aesthetic pleasing layouts of the most revered bloggers. I'm excited to join the ranks. I have to recommend AdorationStudios on Etsy for the layout, font and assisting with a new format. I am not a easy client to work with; Lacey is my name, nit picking is my game.

•Graham got his test scores back from his first Master's class- he made an A! I was so happy I could have squeezed him. Throughout his years as an undergrad he worked extremely hard to graduate with top honors, when he signed up for a graduate degree he vowed he would not worry himself into oblivion again. Then class started- he forgot his newfound philosophy and worked harder than ever for his grade. I lucked out, ya'll.

•We went to the beach for the time this year. It's weird being on the coast- it makes you forget about the grandeur that comes from the ocean. You take it for granted, we do, anyway. We sun bathed, tried to catch minnows and swam! I can't even remember the last time I was fully submerged in the salt water.

•We have reinstituted FHE. When we first got married we were apart of an awesome group of young, childless couples who we would meet with once a week to have a spiritual thought and a game. As time trickled on we all became busy with work, babies were born and many committed to go back to school. FHE was no more. Then last week it just suddenly clicked that things would go better in our week if we kept up with this simple task. So yesterday we had a home cooked meal, watched a Mormon Message video, played a game and went to the gym for our various activities. And at the end of the evening we read our scriptures together and I felt a sense of peace- simply because we dedicated a little of our day for just the 2 of us. This is here to stay, I'm saying it now.

•Vacation with my family in St. Augustine- but that deserves its' own post. Kellan, pictured above, was actually not smiling when in his big cousins' arms , rather frantically trying to escape. I still lub him.

Thanks for checking in.

Short Hair, Don't Care

    I went for it. It's all in the trash. Short haired Lacey has emerged. It's been rolling around in my mind for a some time to commit to a drastic change. After realizing I was most hesitant that much  of my ego was wrapped up in the "long hair, don't care" attitude I knew it was time. Has it ever been this short? Maybe in 6th grade when I donated a foot of length- some 12 years ago. Maybe not even then.

    Besides, it's just hair.

(Everyone knows as soon as you get a haircut it's officially- #SelfieTime)

Park City, Salt Lake, Home

     As Graham and I were awoken to our last day in Utah, we reflectied on all of the new experiences. It was sad to think that we would soon be back to ordinary things. (But as everyone else trickled off to their respective states, we knew it was time to go.) We had made plans to visit Park City after everyone we knew insisted upon going.
    We rolled up, meeting our friends Mitch and Abigail at the Olympic Park. We hiked a little hill, jumped on the ski lift and awaited for our chance to get on the alpine slide. It was so fun to race down! Afterwards we chatted about traveling, babies and life in general before parting ways. More friends bit the dust.
    Up next was to see the Jagtiani's. We had a present for the newlyweds that we hadn't delivered at the reception that we needed to get to them before their week long honeymoon. Sunny was thrilled that we came by so he could convert us over to his favorite pizzeria called The Pie. I gotta say, they double layered the cheese and that was alright by me! They seemed to like the personalized print, yay on gift giving, and I demanded a picture ;) We told them goodbye one last time and sped off.
    Our home for the entirety of our trip had been with our dear friends the Frailey's. We were (and are) so grateful they opened up their beautiful home to us and didn't judge as we ran around with 0 time to do anything! It just worked out perfectly that we could spend several hours at their home with them on our last day. It felt awesome to simply relax after the hussle and bustle of the trip- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was playing, Dooley was drooling and chicken and rice was served. Thanks ya'll, our family loves yours!
    As the hours ticked down before we needed to go to the airport, we decided to stop by the Oquirrh Mountain Temple. It was pretty awesome to find that Utah was set up in such an easy way to get to it, much moreso than the intricacies of Jacksonville. We saw it from a distance, took a slight detour and found our way! As we went to take a photo we saw... well, I'll just say that it involved some other people romping around and a butt crack. On the temple grounds. Okay, moving on. Photo time! It was here that I hated myself for wishing that I would have just took the plunge and bought a selfie stick. (Insert cringing emoji.)
     As a final detour, Graham's best friend, yes another one, invited us to meet his new fiance. By now, we were relieved that we had unlimited miles on the rental car since we had clocked in our fair share. So away we went! We arrived, typically talked about guns with Russell, all of the talents of Rocio (the fiance) and, of course, about the possibilities of them moving back south. Graham was also invited to be a groomsman in his wedding in August :) The boy gets around!
    Then it was time to go home to humid Florida! After being in dry heat, I  concluded that I was born to be an East Coast gal. It took several days to recognize the crazy lip chapping action and ashy skin was due to the weird change my body had underwent in traveling. Not cute my friends. Plus all of the "you won't even sweat here" was lies as I soaked through every shirt I had brought. "It feels like the inside of an oven," -G. Yep, so get me back to the South where I belong!
   We arrived back at the airport 6 days after showing up with sunburned necks and hundreds of pictures. It was sad to close that chapter of another spent vacation. However, that will certainly not be our final SLC trip #GeneralConferenceAnyone? So we checked into the abnormally long line, and found out that who could be leaving from our gate but... Sunny and Lisa! Let me just say that they probably felt like they couldn't get away from us at this point. Graham savored his last few minutes of BFF time before they left for the Dominican Republic. We took a few final pictures to commemorate the irony of it all. It was such a nice closing point for this entertaining trip! As we took that red-eye home, I was excited to get to the second best state in all of America, my home. :)